I lie here in this dreaming state.
Too often had I tempted fate.
She came for me, dripping blood.
A pointed finger, I understood.
No final kiss.
No one to care.
The ferryman arrives
I have no fare.
And as I lie in this dreaming state
I recall the day I tempted fate.
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140,582 Literary Works • 673,538 Reviews
I feel this is a bit abrupt. My favorite lines would be "the ferryman arrives, I have no fare"... but right after that, you seem to go directly to the end. A transition couplet would be nice. Overall, good rhythm, a unique breakup sort of poem that speaks directly to the reader. Not bad.
Short. Simple. Bloody. Absolutely brilliant!!! I really loved this it's one of the best things I've read since joining. Keep up the good work
Good job with this!!! I really loved it and it had a lot of descriptions and that made it clear in my head. You used a lot of emotions as well and it made it easy to understand. Good luck with this and I can't wait to read more of your works!!! Good luck and Happy Writing!!! May you receive many reviews!!!!!!
Soulkana<3
Hiya!
I really did like this. It was very original. And I did like the end stanza:
'As as I lie here in this dreaming state
I recall the day I tempted fate.'
A couple of things - first, when you say 'Too often had I tempted fate', I think you should change 'had' to 'have'. You're talking in present tense, and it is confusing when you change it so near the beginning.
Second, in the second stanza, the rhyme is a little wobbly. Maybe your national accent changes the pronunciation a litte, but 'blood' and 'understood' don't precisely rhyme. The way I see it, it seems like when read aloud (in order to make it rhyme) it would sound like 'He came for me, dripping blood. A pointed finger, I understud.' Just sounds a little off.
Nothing else - there were only two nitpicks after all!
Overall, as I've already said, I very much liked this. Short, not boring, metaphorical, and slightly creepy. Good job
- Ignis
I like this. It made me laugh, yet I knew it was serious. Keep writing!
Matthew,
the words you've used are very descriptive and paint a picture - the blood dripping - i think you coiuld perhaps further this for example describing the blood more 'the crimson liquid, steadly gliding down his finger and dripping in a pool' or something like that? Pick up on the little things such as colour and speed - it's these things that really develop poems, but thats just my opinion.
Overall, this poem is very good and it does invent a picture but you could develop further on aspects.
Overall i think this is brilliant could be longer but at the same time i like how its short and simple
This one gave me shivers, which is a good thing. Spectacular flow and rhythm. You have a creative way with poetry. Keep up the good work and never give up!
I LOVED THIS POEM!
1.the flow was great.
2. beautifully worded
3. creative
keep writing!
it is a very good poem.i can picture it in my head.
Very weel done on the rhyming! Great poem!
Singer
Thankyou for my reviews, they werereally helpful, I'll be sure to review some of your poems aswell. Thanks for liking my poem it means allot to me, I wrote it for a special reason and your reviews have made it so much btter. Thankyou xx
Hello Popa!
This is my favorite stanza.This was really short but got straight to the point and was really interesting to read. Thogh it was not the longest poem, it is still very nice and very straight forward. I like the idea of death coming for her and her tempting fate and all that good stuff. I can see you are a very good writer and I'm glad you joined this site.
Anway, like I said, this was very good. You get a Like.
ReiseReise
Hey
I love this idea. It's really captivating (to me).
I also feel like this could be longer, because to me it sounds like a beginning and I think you could do more to it now that you've got the readers attention.
Hey,
I'm happy to be one of the first to revie this for you
This idea is really unique (to me anyway), and I love it. I think you could definitely turned this into a longer poem, but I think if you did that the rhyming could be forced because I already feel the stress on the rhythm. This was really cool. Keep up the awesome work.
Have a good day,
Tiffany