I saw your face the other day. It stared at me for a while,
studying my cold expression.
Like a bullet in the head, I remembered all you said to me in those final hours.
Acid words burnt my heart. I have the scars to prove it.
Like a tattooist you fashioned your name into my arm.
Carving every letter into my skin like a bleeding ice sculpture.
I tried to numb you with pills and whiskey but nothing can kill the pain.
In a drunken stupor, I recalled how you brought me away from the brink of death.
You enticed me with clever hands and fiery promises.
They soon melted on your lips.
You were icy to the touch and frozen in time,when a single moment could last forever.
You transformed into a living ice sculpture.
Your greatest masterpiece.
My downfall proved to be your sweet escape.
Free from my mortal hands, you spread your wings and flew away,
but I taught you how to fly.
Don't thank me. I knew it was your desire to leave me broken.
I will always remember that fateful summer
before everything turned cold for me.
Promises of a new yesterday, where my mistakes are undone
still burn brightly in my heart when nothing else does.
I was a child afterall.
How could I have known that the snow would come so thick and fast?
The complete absence of colour.
Keeping me pure, when no one else can.
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140,799 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Matthew,
This poem is oozing with obvious deep thought. You've taken into consideration a lot of little details, I generally enjoyed reading it and considered what it could be about.
It's an easy poem to relate to and I think many people including myself can understand what you're putting across - emotions and memories.
You've used really good adjectives, but your layout is a bit scattered and you need to focus on a particular topic and then develop it further, instead of mini sections because there are parts that i'd hope you'd write more on -
Overall, you're writing has come along leaps and bounds and this is a good piece.
I really liked this poem, I think it creates a really vivid picture in the readers mind and I especially loved the second last stanza.
I do agree with Hibiscus that a couple of lines were sort of out of the blue, and out of context didn't totally make sense like "I will always remember that fateful summer..." .
But, whether you changed those lines or not it's still a great poem
I don't know... I felt like, the narrator was actually talking to themselves.
The lines such as:
Like the person was staring into a mirror.
I love this line:
Even if tattooist should be spelled like this, but I bet somebody's already pointed that out... maybe... I haven't looked at the other comments.
And I really like how you used the heat versus the cold. How tempting the heat can be, and yet, at the same time, how much it can burn you.
And then, my favorite stanza had to be this:
(Icey should be spelled icy, but somebody's probably already said that, too, lol.)
The ending was really good, too.
And by ending I mean like, the last two lines, lol.
That definitely relates to white (I'm assuming this is what you mean by "absence of colour", and white being snow, and snow cold and icy and such. Just how frozen and pure snow is, and untouched. (This is how I'm interpreting it...) The heat that enticed the person and tainted them:
And how the cold is like, numbing that heat away, and purifying them of the heat and hot that got inside them and made them spoiled, I suppose.
So I really liked it~~~
Some places I felt it got a little off, or didn't make any sense, but I really like kind of the atmosphere the poem gives off.
^~^
This is great! It is so packed with meaning in every single word. The part about acid scars was really intense, in fact, the entire poem was really intense. I love the part where you wrote, "I taught you how to fly" but you left me anyway... (it sucks that I can't view the poem while I'm reading this comment). The reader really sympathizes with the speaker and views the other person as cold-hearted and emotionless. Its a simple poem, yet it conveys a powerful message. Keep up the good work!
I liked this. All I would say is, get rid of the exclamation points. They look kind of cheesy. But yeah, very good overall.
I realy like this poem very well done. All I would say is that it seemed to drag on so many just change the structre because it made it abit difficult to read BUT i loved everythin else it was very deep and meaningful and I think if ou make just some small changes it could be great again well done you just keep on coming with great pieces of work
Wow. Thats all I can say is wow. I thought you did a very good job, it was pretty deep.
I know the structure is weird, but it helps the lines flow better. I'd love to hear your comments!!