I've taken this down, as I'm starting to query agents and publishers with this attempt at a more ambitious project. Wish me luck.
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138,209 Literary Works • 672,084 Reviews
All the terminology set a pace that left me wanting more. I could imagine all of this happening above earth. Even in the beginning when there was no action, I was intrigued. Though there were a few things I noticed:
Those were just two small grammar things I noticed. As for the story:
They can smell inside of their suits? I'm not so sure that works when you're hooked up to an oxygen tank. Or am I mistaken? Also, there are times when I think you use 'he' instead of 'she' and that creates some confusion. Overall, I am interested in what happened next.
Thanks, Nate,
polish, yes, absolutely. Dialogues, also various mini-inconsistencies, like the tourist's livefeed suddenly becoming a recording, etc. But he'll have to stay a space tourist on a space walk, at the price of some disbelief suspension credits, because such are the needs of the plot and to them I shall catereth.
Glad the visuals made an impact. Had to watch a few documentaries and slideshows to get the feel, hopefully will sharpen them further when editing time comes.
Good chapter. I especially like how you opened it. Paragraphs like:
Serve to convey the imagery very well of the entire scene.
However, it still needs polish especially in the area of dialogue. The problem is that the dialogue doesn't sound like these guys are professionals. While I would expect banter and the like while in the safe confines of the space station, I wouldn't expect it on a spacewalk. Also, why would they allow a space tourist on a spacewalk? Spacewalks are incredibly dangerous operations that require literally thousands of hours of training. Maybe in a hundred years we'll figure out how to make spacewalks routine and safe, but for the near future, only professionals would be allowed on one.
In any case, here's a good example where the dialogue needs work:
Space control would know immediately if there's an emergency. Instead, it should be something like, "Dr. Campbell, we've just received signs of an explosion. Can you confirm?"
Overall, though, I felt this was a solid chapter. It's interesting, has a good opening, and ends well.