I saw the wind stir up the clear surface,
Expanding ripples flashing in the sun.
It sent dry leaves to skate ahead with whispers,
This squeezed my heart, I broke into a run.
The grainy asphalt fell away below me,
An earth worm huddled on the alley’s edge.
Elm leaves applauded, flashing silver bellies,
Childhood memories gently breached my cage.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,236 Literary Works • 672,088 Reviews
I really liked your poem, it makes the reader feel as if everything described in it happens to him/her. The only thing I would recommend you to change is the last line... The meaning is great, but this line kind of ruins the rhyme of a poem. I would change it from
"The grainy asphalt fell away below me,
An earth worm huddled on the alley’s edge.
Elm leaves applauded, flashing silver bellies,
Childhood memories gently breached my cage."
to
"The grainy asphalt fell away below me,
An earth worm huddled on the alley’s edge.
Elm leaves applauded, flashing silver bellies,
And memories of childhood breached my cage."
As for me, it's better: meaning is the same, but it just reads easier and sound better.
Hi!
Love the adjectives in this poem!! It's very well written and makes me really feel what the subject of the poem is feeling. Great Work
DropsOfSummer
Aaow, this is a great poem! Short but not too simple... positive thing! You've got such great imagery, I agree on the two previous speakers about the "Leaves skating" very creative! You've fixed the punctuation I see, which is now impeccable. I can't find any flaws when it comes to the rythm and flow so... all I can say is. LOVED IT!
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
Oh yeah, Emmaline, I needed that
I saw the wind stir up the clear surface, (nice first line)
)
Expanding ripples flashing in the sun (good revision there)
It sent dry leaves to skate ahead with whispers, (I like the imagery with the leaves skating)
This squeezed my heart, I broke into a run.
The grainy asphalt fell away below me,
An earth worm huddled on the alley’s edge. (This is a nice line, but it seems to slow the poem a little.)
Elm leaves applauded, flashing silver bellies,
Childhood memories gently breached my cage. (Oh, I love the last line. Now I'm feeling all nostalgic for my own childhood.
Justtrying,
thanks very much. Acted on all advice except the name
Hey there!
First of all, capitals! Please D: (I'm talking about the title.)
2.
I love this discription!
3. There aren't any puntuation marks!
Spoiler
The liquid ripples flashing in the sun.
It sent dry leaves to skate ahead with whispers,
This squeezed my heart, I broke into a run.
The grainy asphalt fell away below me,
An earth worm huddled on the alley’s edge.
Elm leaves applauded, flashing silver bellies,
Childhood memories gently breached my cage.
Okay?
4.
Liquid? Nah... doesn't fit.
Overall: It was amazing! Really! I love your discriptions, but what really set me off was the shortness of it. It ended a bit too quick for my liking.
Also, just another suggestion. Change the title to 'Childhood memories.' It sounds more catch-y. But then again, its up to you
Keep it up!
-JT.