Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Detective Russel Pierce, a corrupt cop, has just learned that a man he framed for murder has escaped jail.
To know more, read Chapter 2.2.
I apologize for the racist and sexist parts. They are supposed to reflect my character's views and beliefs, they in no way reflect mine.
The first journalist called before Detective Russel Pierce left for the station. Her name was Marcella Beck, she went by “Mark”. She was a sweet kid and it had always appealed to him. He had been thinking about Mark Beck a lot for a while. She blushed and flirted in her innocent way, ripe for the plucking. He hadn't come across so tempting a fruit since the early days with Nyssa.
Of course, such fruits rotted even faster. Women were tiresome, Russ reflected. Take Nyssa for example. The deceitful little bitch, all smiles and honey so long as he couldn't fuck her and, now that he owned her, the little slut couldn't be bothered with decent underwear or makeup.
He ignored Mark Beck's call. As much as he wanted to take her for a test ride, it wasn't worth the hassle of talking about Peter “Tight-Ass” “Viggo” Carlsen. Very few temptations were worth talking about the bastard. Eight years after getting him locked up tight, it still gave Russ stomach cramps. Carlsen had been such a fucking preacher, curling his lips at him, getting stuff, women Russ wanted.
But Russ got what he wanted in the end. Always. He had said Carlsen's name once, during sex, breathing it into Nyssa's ear to see if it got a rise out of her. It had been like kicking a puppy. People said that like it was bad. Freaking social conditioning. Once you stopped making yourself feel wretched over hurting something small and vulnerable, it was orgasmic.
Orgasm was one thing he hadn't gotten out of it. The moment he had uttered Carlsen's name, he had gone limp, remembering the fucker’s face as they had dragged him out of the courtroom. Those blue eyes were those of a sniper and Russ could tell he was in his cross-hairs. That day in the courtroom, he had stood up without thinking, which – wasn't that ironic – was exactly the problem with Carlsen.
Russ had a strong personality. He had, as he liked to call it, charisma. He exerted a pull of a sort on people and could bend them to his will. But he had never been able to bend Viggo fucking Carlsen. The guy had the scintillating personality of a nail but had proved abnormally resistant to the pull. Despite all and any effort to the contrary, he had remained the proverbial straight arrow. Even worse, he had exerted his own draw on Russ and sometimes made him do things he didn't want to.
That scared Russ. And it was a rare person that scared Russel Pierce. His mother had been a doormat. By the time he was five, he could wrap her and every adult in a three miles radius around his fingers. Only his grandfather had been the plague of those early days.
Colonel Maximilian Pierce, rigid and forbidding, had always seen right through his crap. A great believer in caning, he had forced his grandson to walk the straight and narrow. Calling him “sir”. Obeying. Russ got sick with anger whenever he remembered the humiliation of it all. He was nonetheless grateful to the old man for teaching him self-discipline – teaching him shooting too. God knew the patriarch had gone to his Maker regretting ever giving him those lessons.
Hunting accidents…You just had to love them.
Now, Russ smiled. Carlsen too would soon become a bad memory. For eight years, Russ had been tormented by the knowledge that Carlsen was still alive somewhere. The bastard had cost him too many a night of tossing and turning, unable to sleep, worried. Even torturing Nyssa wasn't a true relief. Even there, he was haunted, he couldn't take it too far. Whenever he came close, he remembered Carlsen's warnings – don’t touch her, don’t fuck her, don’t hurt her. His hands around her neck, he couldn't squeeze, couldn't break her for good. Cold sweat drenched his body, dread uncurled in his stomach.
They had still been partners and best buddies, but there had been a stillness to Carlsen's big body as he had warned him off. That stillness had scared Russ shitless. For that reason, he had never damaged the girl permanently. Her every breath was a testimony to Carlsen's continued capacity for nuisance.
Shaking off those bitter thoughts, Russ stepped into the station. It was a boiling pot of humanity, but no more than usual. There were no frantic uniforms running around with maps and pictures of Carlsen. Everything was – relatively – calm and quiet. He passed a waiting room on his way up. The one working TV was turned on, playing out clips of the earthquake to the empty chairs while a lone officer drank a cup of tea standing in the doorway.
The medias hadn't yet heard about the escape or the news would be all over the building. Shaking his head at those oblivious morons, Russ sought out the one person in the whole place who had to know. He knocked on her door. A voice rose, so low and hoarse it almost sounded male, “Come in!”
He did. The office was bare – no decoration except for the sign on the desk that read, “Captain Breen Cordello”.
Cordello, a heavyset woman in her forties, had the looks of a wetback mother of eight. Looks were misleading: she had inherited an Ivy League education, along with the silver spoon jutting out of the corner of her fat lips, from her surgeon of a father and her federal court judge of a mother. She still had the voice of a lifelong smoker and all the spare grease of a taco truck, Russ thought with malevolent glee.
She looked down her nose at him. The disdain was mutual. He had no time for petty pencil-pushers who hated straight white men. She resented that he was smarter and a better player. On the upside, she had never liked Carlsen either.
She had been diligently working her way through a pile of files but, now, she sat back and crossed her arms under her plump breasts. “You heard?”
“They called me,” he replied.
“Close the door.”
He did, thinking all along, I’m not your flunky. But he gritted his teeth and he sat down.
“I gave your number to the sheriff office,” she told him. “What did they want?”
“My help figuring out where Vig…where Carlsen's headed.”
“Were you any help?”
“Not really. Who knows what the hell he’s thinking? I sure don't.” He shrugged. “I never did.”
He must have sounded suitably bitter, because Cordello nodded.
“I'd like to join the manhunt up there,” he told her.
I’d like to kill Carlsen. At long last.
“No can do, detective.”
“But…”
She shook her head. “We’re all cleaning up after an earthquake. The last thing we need is a lone ranger riding halfcocked on a personal vendetta.”
“With all due respect, ma'am…”
“With all due respect, Pierce, one cop isn't going to make much of a difference.”
He took a breath, released it, annoyed. The stupid bitch didn't understand! He needed to be there. He couldn't rely on the sheriff to get rid of Carlsen.
“Then I'm going to take a few personal days,” he began.
“No, you're not. You’ve already taken all the personal days you could. Sick leave is always an option, of course, but I'll make sure you spend every day at home if I’ve got to send officers to check up on you every half an hour.”
“But, Captain…”
“No, Pierce. You heard me, I won't change my mind.”
Damn the bitch. He breathed in and out slowly, imagining her blunt face dissolving as she screamed her throat raw, and the smell of burnt flesh and acid.
“Regular updates from the sheriff’s office, then?” he choked out.
“Done. They'll keep us posted. I wouldn't hold my breath, though.”
“Why?”
She sighed, and her shoulders slumped a little. “I get the feeling that our friends in the sheriff's office are more concerned about the rescue effort. It sounds like the State might be liable for the way the penitentiary collapsed all over the inmates. Pressure is huge to get survivors out of the rubble. We’re already lucky to know Carlsen's escaped. If not for that prison guard…”
“But that gives us a head-start. They can't waste it!”
“They're doing everything they can. They can't set up roadblocks while rescuers are still driving back and forth but they've got people and dogs on the shore, looking for the place he swam to. They'll find him eventually. He's got no support, no plan.”
“But he's smart, Captain, crazy smart and devious. He used to be a cop, one of the best. He understands how we work. And we never got to the bottom of his criminal activities. We can’t know all the associates he had or what kind of money he made. We never found out.”
“So?” she grunted.
“So, I'm telling you, ma'am, if they don't catch him now, chances are good that he'll just go poof.”
She got up and paced behind the desk, the way she always did when she was thinking hard about something. He had at least shaken her up.
“Alright,” she said, and she nodded sharply. “We’re not getting involved. Not yet. But I'll make a few calls. Maybe I can get the FBI involved. They can relieve the sheriff’s office of part of the search effort.”
It wasn't good enough – far from it – but he nodded. Better than nothing. The important thing was to neutralize Carlsen as quickly as possible.
To know what Russ plans to do to Viggo, read Chapter 3.2.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Again, you have really good characterization and really good description of a character’s facial expressions and thought process and how the character feels about the other characters, but the setting is short on detail. I need to see not just the character but the world around him/her as well. This includes but isn’t limited to the physical landscape around the character. For example, I can’t picture his car ride to the station at all, I just know that he got a call on the way.
“He had, as he liked to call it, charisma.” And a lot of humility too, huh? I love this line, it tells us so much about his character and it’s funny.
“Hunting accidents… You just had to lover them.” Oh my gosh. So creepy. I love this line. It’s so understated and jarring.
“It was only half true. Although Cordello undoubtedly resented the fact that he was one of the guys and played so effectively on that, she also remembered how he had overlooked and dismissed her until she rose to her current position.” I know it’s hard when the character is such an unreliable narrator, but up until this point you’ve been so committed to third person limited that I hate to see you break it here.
“The last thing we need is a lone ranger riding half cocked on a personal vendetta.”” I never thought one line of dialogue could make me so whole-heartedly like a character. The captain can see through Russ’s BS, and I love her for that.
““With all due respect, Pierce, one cop isn't going to make much of a difference.”” Great line as well. She’s so snarky, and it’s wonderful.
“He breathed in and out slowly, imagining her blunt face dissolving as she screamed her throat raw, and the smell of burnt flesh and acid.” Is this his version of thinking happy thoughts? I love it. It’s so, so creepy.
“They can't waste it!”” The exclamation point is unnecessary.
“He used to be a cop, one of the best.” This feels a bit expositiony again.
I’m glad we got to see Russ’s perspective. It was incredibly chilling and creepy. Very well done.
-tgirly
Thanks. And here I was, after reading your last review, thinking that no, you probably didn't want to get to know Russ better...
Lol, I do like the cutesy stuff, but I can handle creepy too. : )
WHOA DANG.
Okay so I'm pretty sure I said this the first time I read a chapter that had Russ in it anywhere, but he is THE LITERAL WORST. Holy freaking crud. What a racist, sexist, narcissistic piece of entrails. WOW.
Glad Cordello can put him in his place - at least for now, because I'm well aware she won't be able to keep him in his place for long, because he's trash. What a scary dude.
Oh, man, now that we've got bits that are in his perspective, I'm actually getting a little worried he might succeed. If he was never the viewpoint character, I'd assume good would out eventually at least for Viggo OR Nyssa if not both, but now that we've got scenes in Russ' POV...
No criticism for this chapter, just things I liked/thought. Probably good you put an author's note at the start, because *I* obviously know Russ is just a piece of crap, but someone who only reads this chapter might not get that we're supposed to hate his guts. Although obviously in the finished story, when all chapters are together in a book, you wouldn't need that.
I thought this chapter flowed well and logically. It was the least confusing yet, possibly because we were in present-day Russ' thoughts the whole time, even though we saw bits of his past. I liked seeing some of his thoughts about Viggo - I like that we get to see more and more of past Viggo. This almost seems like prison-Viggo is not all that different from cop-Viggo - he's just more in tune with the Iceman side of himself, because he has to be. You're really turning into a complex character. I love it.
God, this.
"Why isn't she dressing up for me anymore now that she knows I'm abusive?" even though you just KNOW he'd hit her anyway if she wore makeup because he'd be all, "You little tramp, who are you dressing up for???" THE WORST.
Hello, Blueafrica.
I knew you would just love the ranting about Nyssa's 'deceptiveness'. I kind of shocked myself when I first wrote it but it just meshed with Russ's character so I kept it.
It was a bit disturbing writing from his point of view. The funny thing is that Russ isn't truly a racist or sexist. Obviously, he hates women and non-white people but he hates everyone, it's not like he thinks white men are better. Only he, is superior to everyone else, to his way of thinking.
Yo, papillote!
So, getting the minor things out of the way first: a quick scan-through with Word or Google Docs will show you where you've missed words that needed spaces between them or grammatical errors. There's no need to go line-by-line and snatch them out of context. I'd rather get to the meat and bones.
So you gave fair warning that the voice of the narrator is sexist and vulgar, and while the sexism left a bad taste in my mouth (the racism as well), he has a distinct voice that carries the narrative, whether I personally dig it or not. The vulgarity works in this manner as well to keep up the pace, and in a way it's to be appreciated, though I believe if this comes in much abundance you'll be limiting your reader base to edgelords and those who just have a good time reading vulgar things. I personally don't have a problem with the profanity, though the ownership/enslavement/rape of the woman--even in this small dose here--is horribly jarring.
The pacing is alright, and you don't do too much retelling of the former story, I don't think? But there is a fair amount and you may want to address that because at this point it feels like a catch-up chapter until we reach the prison. And that brings me to the main issue in the segment! Cordello lacks personality. You need to get to her piece of your serial killer board and give her some distinguishing traits to flesh out because right now she's a boring piece of cardboard to read, which is a terrible shame compared to Russel's overpowering, booming persona. Give us something to latch onto her with, even if it's something to hate. Because right now that entire argument scene is purely vanilla, and I'd love to see it shape into something tasty.
I hope this helps!
Ty
Hi, Ty. I will try reworking Cordello's character but I'm not entirely surprised at your comment. There are three main 'voices' in this story and Russ is definitely minor, thanks God.
I have had real trouble writing from his perpective. First of all, he is an A*S*O*E, abusive with women, sexist and racist. And then, there is the fact that he doesn't care about anyone else. He is so selfish he can't get more than the shallowest sense of the people around him.
Cordello is one of the characters that come together very, very, very slowly because she is only ever seen through the prism of Russ's self-centeredness.
If you had trouble with Russ - and I don't blame you for that, you should skip Chapter 3.2 and wait for Chapter 4.1 - Feverish.
Anyway, thanks for the review.