Steady your lung-sighs during Sabbath
and sit in your once dark-brown
armchair; now a spreading cancer of
autumn beige steals the chair’s gown.
Steady your once youthful coal-mine arms
and grant your coal-lungs a rest –
for a mine that brings harvest like farms
is a mine where coal is best.
Steady your bare-chested coughs and breaths
and soothe an old opera-voice
that was once a harmony; your bluff,
a coherent vocal choice.
Steady your once hasty north-bound feet
and why not for once head south -
like birds that rule the skies in their fleets
and dream of warm winter boughs.
Steady yourself for once and listen
to a heart immersed in lung-
sighs and hear the gold of a coal-mine
like the north-fleeing bird songs...
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139,448 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
First, I think this is wonderful. Though I have to say the first stanza is my least favorite. The image of cancer and the arm chair does not work for me. However, I love the second through fourth stanzas. Those ideas are presented very clearly and your format is set up very well. But I feel like once again, the last stanza is clunky and awkward. So if you work on your beginning and your ending a bit, I think you'll have a beautiful poem here. I adore your style.
~Yoyo
Hiya! I'm Evi and I'll be your reviewer today. *bows*
Lungs:
Ellipsis
All of the good stuff
There are certain words that you just don't often stumble across in poetry. One of suchwords is 'lungs', which you have expertly managed to include in this poem! I think it's great that you took a rather un-used word and incorporated it into your story; only probalem is, I think you used it a bit too enthusiastically.
Like a stream, poems need to flow a certain direction. Using a rare word makes your readers stop to think, but you, as a poet, don't want your readers to stop and think about a word such as 'lungs'. You need to choose words that create the current in the stream, not words like 'lungs' that act as huge boulders, blocking the flow.
In other words, three times for an unusual word in one relatively short poem is too much. You use the word once in the first stanza, once in the second, and once in the last. I think it would be best to take out the one in the first line, and just leave it at 'sighs' becuase you don't really the 'lung' and it makes an alliteration without it. I think you should also delete the last one, since it parallels the first. The middle one is used well, methinks, and you should keep it.
Take them out. Those are the ... (dot dot dot) at the end of your poem, and although the can sometimes be used effectively, I think you need a full-stop here.
I agree with Bubbles; the second-to-last stanza is by far my favorite. The way you made the analogy between the birds and either change/resting (I couldn't decide which you meant to come across) was effective, and the bit of north -vs- south was nice. Also, I think the repetition of 'steady' at the beginning really brought the poem together. It gave it that meaning, that purpose-- rest, everyone, rest and be still and be calm. I felt like that's what you were saying.
Normally, people are always telling others to go into action, to get all riled up and make something happen, but this poem is taking the opposite opinion and telling us to steady ourselves and take a break. I like it. It's different. It's well-written.
Congrats, m'dear, and see you around.
~Evi
Thank you so much. I appreciate it
That...was remarkably beautiful. My only problem as it was a bit difficult to understand, but once I got to the final verse it became clear. I can't really think of anything to critique. I particularly liked the penultimate stanza - the image of birds that "dream of warm winter boughs" was wonderfully effective.
Kudos on a lovely piece. I'll look forward to reading more of your work.
Cheers,
~bubbles