A dash –
a semicolon;
always just a-
head of each line;
like the ‘out of bounds’ sign –
perhaps I should grow a spine.
Perhaps I should finish my sent –
Instead of conjunctions,
why not for once,
a question mark?
‘May I have this dance?’
Why not?
A drink?
Perhaps a colon:
a list of words
potentially
forming a dialogue
and a suggestive ellipsis...
or the ambiguous brackets
(a slightly tilted head),
and a long-pause
after full stop
when she just can’t help
but smile.
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139,444 Literary Works • 672,564 Reviews
this was really clever and witty I don't personally enjoy these kind of poems but urs makes me think twice
great job!
K A M A S
I love this. It's very clever, and flows very well. It's also very original. Stanzas two and three were particularly witty, and the ending is very effective. I'm not sure about the rhyme...I rather think that it adds to the experimentation of the speaker, and it didn't make the poem read jerkily, to my mind. I really enjoyed it.
Jas
I absolutely adore this poem. Bashful boys must read this and learn a lesson from it. It simmers with wisdom. This was also rather comical and at the same time quite sad.
Anyway, this is great poetry.
Keep writing.
--Knightly
This is wonderful. Very Unique.
But above the hilarious pattern and wonderful concept of your poem,
its seems quite confusing. Like already mentioned,
the first stanza seems to follow a rhythm then the rest of the poem
doesn't. I advice as I have been adviced to follow
a particular pattern through a poem. I've already given your work a gold star.
BRAVO
I love this piece, its well written and keeps to a steady rhythm.
On the other hand, i found it really confusing, i thought the broken sentences were a bit over-done, but if you look at it objectively, they have a purpose and meaning which fits the piece.
I only found it confusing, so my constructive criticism would be to be more clear, at least for me.
Rye x
Oh, this is so sweet! An amazing read. I had to reread it a few times to really catch the meaning (but that's good; means I actually enjoyed it enough to want to reread it). I like how you picked up on all the subtle grammatical things that happen whilst attempting to talk to someone that's caught your eye. Very original.
The one thing that I was a bit iffy about, though, were the two lines that said: "A long pause after full-stop." If you're pausing after stopping then isn't it, essentially, just a really really long pause? Or maybe it's just me...
Anyway! I agree with Princess about the rhyme scheme. It takes away from the abruptness and the sort of stumbling quality of the poem.
Other than that, gold star!
Laughed at THIS bit-
"a list of words
potentially
forming a dialogue"
This was really clever. And now I know that all those guys who didn't talk to me at school discos were just intimidated by my dazzling beauty. That is a weight off my mind.
xxxx
I love your writing style.
It is a very uniqe style and that is something I love. Individuality.
Although I must say that it took me quite a while to understand what you were talking about. Towards the end I came to understand that you were talking about a girl but you need to make it clearer at the beginning in my opinion. Except for that, very uniqe, very clever and very very well written!
That was beautiful! This poem is totally unique, and I love it!
The rhyming, as you said, was unintentional, so I suggest you take it out. It distracts the reader from the clumsiness of the poem that it's supposed to be, and makes it seem smooth, and I would assume that that is not what you want.
The only thing I have is that this poem is so vague (or is it supposed to be like that?) that I didn't have any idea that it was talking about a girl until the very end, and still I hardly have any idea what you are talking about. Also, why are you implying to much punctuation to it? If I am asking these questions, then at least some of your readers will be asking them as well. You need to make it clear to the reader what it's about in the beginning so they can follow along without difficulty.
But other than that, very very good!
If you have any questions, feel free to pm me.
Princess
Thank you so much everyone and yes, boys have trouble talking to girls, especially if it's somebody they like. Those that say they don't are purely and simply... LIARS!
Again, thank you for your lovely comments.
As for the rhyming in the first stanza, believe me, it's just a fluke. I didn't even think of putting a rhyme scheme in this poem. It just happened in that stanza. Personally, I don't think rhyming would suit this poem as it is not supposed to have a clear rhythm, so that it would represent the irregular 'rhythm' of the conversation/interaction of a boy with a girl, if you I know what I mean, but thank you for the suggestion. I haven't noticed it before
Nathan.
Cool (period)
It took me a minute to catch on, but when I did I was like, "Ahhhh--clever."
Then I kept reading and:
100% pure absolute gold sir.
I laughed until it hurt.
Thank you for this.
--
Added comment to a reply;
Absolutely...There are few things more difficult in life than to ask a girl/woman/lady anything if you're interested.
Wow! This is extremely educational.
Even when I like someone else I can't help but look twice at a guy who gives a really sweet compliment!
I didn't even know that guys had trouble talking to girls!
I thought it was the opposite. I suppose it goes both ways
All you really need is a sweet compliment and this.
Then you'll have us for SURE!
Thanks for this lovely poem
-Isi
Haha! This is delightful, darling! I've never seen anything quite like it--and to find something unique is a rarity for me. It's refreshing to see someone having so much fun with grammar--something most people take so seriously--and the way you weave it into a familiar situation is very well done. One thing I would like to point out, and this isn't a big deal, but when you begin it seems like you're setting your poem up to have a kind of rhyme scheme "line / sign / spine" but then you don't carry that through. By no means do I want you to get rid of those early rhymes, they're delightful, but perhaps look and see if you could continue it a bit throughout the rest of the poem?