“A star-filled sky”
You say.
“Just a pierced eye”
I say.
“The world is beyond the cape of night”
You say.
“The world is beneath the cape of night”
I say.
“Fill up your heart with fresh water”
You say.
“Fill up a sieve with fresh water”
I say.
“Eat the food I lay before you”
You say.
“Then flush it down, the whole menu”
I say.
“Walk the path, cleanse your robe”
You say.
“Yes, the path to my wardrobe”
I say.
“Don’t you see what’s ahead?”
You ask.
“Don’t you know I’m already dead?”
I ask.
“Your feet have not yet
descended to She’ol,
but the paths of life you forget
to contemplate. Heal
your bitterness, your regret.
Though you may not be ideal,
though your conscience may be in debt,
my love, o Son, I do not conceal.”
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140,919 Literary Works • 673,736 Reviews
Thank you so much for your lovely comment and for your advice. I really appreciate it.
It's so good that you're comfortable about writing how you feel - especially on such a topic that people have so many views about. Being, myself, more spiritualist inclined, I'm terrified of writing anything on the subject and so steer away, so I give you good marks just for that! As my Dad would say; "You're a flippin' inspiration!"
Okay, anyway - back to more pressing matters of reviewing!
I can't comment much on the actual content, not being one to know much about religion - I'm a little dense. But I think you do have the flow in here; it's pretty consistent and that's good to see! It's thrown off a little towards the end of the poem, when there's just a big chunk but that can easily be sorted!
Also, at the poem start the rhyme is a bit forced - you're trying too hard - just remember; it doesn't have to rhyme all the time. [Darn, I rhymed.] Anyhow- I didn't much like the repetition - it went on too long for my liking and makes it drag on a bit.
Other than that - good work!
Cheers Dallas. I appreciate your comment.
To answer your question- no, I am not afraid. My faith is very important to me, more important than what people may say about it. This poem was written when I was going through a lot of changes in my personal life and if somebody would leave a negative comment about the subject of this poem it would be like commenting on my personal life and beliefs. What do they know about it?
I'm glad you found this poem inspiring and I sure will keep posting. Thanks.
Nathan.
Not much religious works going around. Just a little question: aren't you ever afraid, whenever you post something like this, that someone will come and criticize you for mere subject matter?
I like the contrasting ideas of the worldly and the power of the one above. It shows our true human nature in contrast with how God himself (or whomever you believe in) feels about us.
A truly inspiring poem amidst these dark times. Keep it up.
She'ol is another name for Hades, and both represent the 'cemetery' of mankind, or DEATH to be more precise.
The constant war is not between two 'people', it's between a man and God. An ordinary man versus an almighty spiritual being. This should explain a few things. That is also the reason why I don't use any commas or periods at the end of each of their remark. I want to represent this casual, yet personal mood of the conversation. They do not care for rules or laws of conversation when speaking to one another. I hope you understand what I mean.
I'm glad you like this poem. It's very important to me.
Again, thanks for your comment.
Hi Nate.B
It's me again!
I'm here to review your poem! Here we go!
The moment I read the first stanza, I knew I wouldn't be disappointed again! This poem was, like the last ones, was great. There aren't any much things which need any editing that I can spot other than the occasional absence of a period or comma at the end of the dialogue. For example:
I'm not sure, but when writing novels/stories/books, when you write dialogue, you're supposed to put a period or comma at the end of the speech. I think it should be a comma; if it is, it should look like:
"A star-filled sky," ... "Just a pierced eye," ...
My favourite stanza is:
To be honest, I don't really know what it means; I haven't really tried to
[b]Overall, I found the poem good. The constant war between the two people when they are talking to each other is very humourous, not to mention the constant repetition of You say ... I say makes the poem very effective. I'm not sure what the poem yet, but after a few more reads, I think I will![/u]