Young Writers Society

Hi, sorry for the late reply.

Thank you for the advice, I will remember what you've said and I will make changes to my poem. I will not be posting changes on the website as I would also have to do that on all the other websites. Plus, this is a very old poem, one that I wrote when I was just a beginner. Soon I'll be posting more recent poems and hopefully you'll find these more appealing.

Thanks again.

Nathan.

Unlike the person above me, I didn't like the ending! It's the only line that felt awkward and out of place to me. Aside from that line, I thoroughly enjoyed the poem. This stanza is particularly strong in my opinion:

"‘Special offer! A negotiable price!’
So I negotiated with myself,
throwing arguments like dice,
and each argument always rolled a triple six
as if the chain on display
had all three dice jinxed."

I would perhaps take another look at the final stanza, perhaps break the final line up into two as for me it spoils the pace. Other than that, I think it's good.

I bought the chain with my eyes Perhaps throwing things from your eyes into the luxurious of the objects that we see as one and what we live with as one, is a powerful image. But your flow seems pretty bland, it looks to see as if it contains no particular flourish that endeavours my imagination. I think the most subsequent factor is that, if glanced upon without looking deeper into the poem, it seems cliché. Perhaps if you worded it a little different, then you could really bring out the emotion you were trying to convey?

when I saw it on display I have to say I wasn't very happy with this line, it seemed to let down the first by eluding itself into a simplistic statement. I think you should try using a more complex wording to really bring out the emotions that you want to convey? - –

no price tag, just a sticker that says I like your internal theorem on this, but I think you're using to much of a weak pretence to really compare your idea with the words. The structure here is quite good, but you need punctuation after 'says' to show that you're diverging into speech for the next stanza.



‘Special offer! A negotiable price!’ I have to say that this was a real let down from what you were building up to, 'Special offer!' is too cliché for the conflict that you're about to divert to with the next few lines. How about something that's more forceful, and less of a classic vendor feel?

So I negotiated with myself, Repetition, although it's perhaps a parallelism from the previous line, I have to say that it's not too much of an essence. I think that something more of a dramatic irony imposition here would work excellently, adding a lovely little niche to your piece.

throwing arguments like dice, Was this an intentional rhyme, with the first of this stanza? If so, I don't think it worked out too well. It seems too sloppy to have merged beautifully, plus, rhyming often works poorly unless you have a grand vocabulary, which most don't, myself included. If you do, then show me with a dazzling couplet or an impressive rhyme scheme. (ABBCDCAD...etc)

and each argument always rolled a triple six You're using too great repetition to really give me a vast outline of what's truly going on within your theme. Perhaps, notify a thesaurus when you find yourself in a spot of trouble or difficulty? But, I'm not a fan of this, so I might be a little biased.

as if the chain on display Referral here is good, gives me a nice clear image.

had all three dice jinxed. This wraps well with the previous line, incredibly in fact. But, 'jinxed' at the end upsets the repertoire that you've built up too much, use something that's less brutal on your flow.



I bought the chain with my eyes, So, comparative with the start, I actually think that this effect doesn't pull off too well, contrary to the reviews above. I think to really exaggerate your point here, you need a line afterwards that connotes that of the first stanza, but does not directly resemble it.

willed it with my flesh, That's a delicious metaphor. But I think your use of 'willed' doesn't come out all to greatly. Perhaps, change it to something that delicately infuses with 'flesh'?

and all I hear are the clattering criescomma? of my clattering dice... That worked brilliantly, I think your ending is perhaps the strongest of the entire piece. Your ending is great, well done here.

I think this is okay, but with some improvements it could be made a lot better. Your symbolism here works terrifically, even if I am not fan of religious comparative, and it shines right through without too much of the obvious. I think some of the lines disrupt the flow a little though (those which I have pointed out) and your wording is sometimes a little simplistic, and it doesn't really portray the rest of what you were trying to convey. Overall, it's an okay piece, but there's room for a lot of improvement.

6/10

Here I am, just as I said
But don't expect too much from my review *go hides in a corner*

Well, I liked your poem a lot. As of style and all that, I can't say anything - the closest I come to poems is in school when I'm forced to read one ... - but I really liked that it was kind of simple but also kind of ... well, profound. At least when I read it. I don't know if it was supposed to be and if I didn't read too much in it

I think it was well written, and it 'flows' when you read it, so I like that a lot, too ^^

‘Special offer! A negotiable price!’
So I negotiated with myself,
throwing arguments like dice,
and each argument always rolled a triple six
as if the chain on display
had all three dice jinxed.

Sorry about the T- just changed it ;D

'I bought the chain with my eyes' doesn't mean exchanging eyes for the chain. It's a metaphor. When you desire material things and look upon them with that desire it's almost like you're already buying them.

Read 1st John 2:16, 17 and I think you'll know what the poem is about.

The last stanza? Well, I personally think is ok, but I guess I'm too proud to admit there's anything wrong with it ;p

Thank you for your comments.

Hi Nate.B, again, again!

I'm going to be your reviewer once again, and hopefully a good one!

I bought the chain with my eyes

So I negotiated with myself,
Throwing arguments like dice,

Throwing arguments like dice,
and each argument always rolled a triple six
as if the chain on display
had all three dice jinxed.

I bought the chain with my eyes,
willed it with my flesh,
and all I hear are the clattering cries of my clattering dice...