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140,833 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Yo,
thanx for the kind words, angermanagement,antimelrose and kineta
and thanx for the in-depth review christian alexander. I though I might get away with stuff like 'coming me to find' if it's a poem for kids. Maybe I still can, if I just emphasize stuff like 'coming ME to find' or something. We'll see
Wow!! This Poem Is AWSOME!!! I like the whole underlying theme of defiance and success in independence! Then later, quiet submission. Awesome theme!
Keep up the good work!
Oh, and another thing, I love the rhyming scheme too! And the words that sound like they rhyme, but they don't really. It can be hard to find words like that.
Bottom Line: Really, really good poetry!!
Well, the critique on the rhyme scheme has already been mentioned by the above, so I won't really go into what you've already been told. I thought the subject matter was fun and quirky, and rather refreshing. One can only read so many "The world hates me!" emo–tinged poems, or ones saturated with purple prose, before going crazy. I am happy to say that you evaded this category.
Tweak the meter and rhyme a bit; be careful, though, so it won't take away the whimsical nature of the work, which is quite nice.
Cheers,
–antimelrose
Hey, man! I read your poem three times and I really liked it for the most part. The concept is interesting. I like that it stays consistent and follows the storyline. Every line is relevant to the tale you're telling.
There are a few things I think should be fixed though.
If you are going to rhyme at all in poetry you should at least make it consistent. It's about obeying some sort of rhyme scheme as well as being curtious to the reader. The sad truth about poetry is that we attract a different crowd depending on whether the poem rhymes or not. I've seen people completely neglect a well written poem just because it didn't rhyme. So, if your going to rhyme as frequently as you do in this poem then at least make it consistent.
I read a lot of poetry. It's just frustrating to sit through a poem when the rhyme scheme is: AA/BB/CD/EE/FG/GG (an example)
It makes it asymetrical and inconsistent.
I could understand if you said that you didn't want to make some lines rhyme because it would alter the story, but I think the words you are rhyming are simple and common enough to find other words that would work. For example: "Let my hair grow so low." This deviates from the rhyme that follows, so: "Let my hair grow more," could work. Like I'm saying, these words are common enough to find another word that could be associated with the story as well as obey the rhyme scheme.
Also, you have a couple of lines that were written awkwardly. I labeled them above. I understand about that though. Sometimes when we write poetry we read the line a certain way in our heads, putting emphasis on certain words, eventhough the punctuation is off. The reader might read it differently. Just make it less awkward and more universal. Another reason why awkward phrases should be ousted is that too often poets (around our age) purposely switch the construction of a fully functional phrase in order to appease their rhyming woes. It is seldom successful though. I saw it in my Deep Poetry class as well as my other English courses throughout the last couple of years.
The poem is excellent but the awkward phrases and deviating end rhymes serve as obstacles for me to fully enjoy the hard work you have done. Other than that I enjoyed reading the poem. It was well written in terms of the metaphors and imagery you gave to the reader. Good job and good luck with everything. If you have any questions, comments or you just want to talk then PM me any time.
Much Love,
Chris
I really like this poem. The bit where he wants to be able to roam free instead of being well groomed. Is my favorite bit.
I'm not a poetry expert so I can't review this in detail. But i really liked it