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Yo,
thanks for the feedback AyumiGosu17 and Aspiring Author!
Thanks for the detailed pointing out of various errors Aspiring, and yes, I suppose it should be 'poor souls' and 'what the heck' hehe. He's refered to as 'stranger' because he is yet unknown in most parts of the land. Only after he is lynched and his disciples scattered, will he become a houshold name. He has yet to give a seminar on loving thy neighbor /I'm still writing it/, but has already performed other miracles.
But my goodness, I sure love the following sentences in this paragraph though.
Jesus would not consider thugs frightening. I suggest using another word.
You forgot an 'f'
I believe that comma should be a question mark.
OK, I am very certain he would never even think such a word. For why would he? He who is without sin. May I suggest you substitute it with 'souls'? NOTE: I am not religious, I'm a questioning agnostic. But I still know a lot about Jesus. He is the most inspirational figure ever, is he not?
That last bit of info is not needed. It actually takes a stab at the flawless nature of your piece. How are we suddenly knowing that the cowboys moved 'just in case'? Anyway, you have enough detail to show why they moved.
Is that intentional?
I imagine that there should be an exclamation mark in there.
Beautiful detail here. But why is Jesus referred to as 'stranger'?
You accidentally put quotation marks at the end of this line.
Again, another one of the ways he would not think.
Closing Words:
You are a bloody good writer napalm! Really, you have a better writing style than most published authors. (*Sigh* I haven't read any particularally good books lately.)
There were a number of typos in there, but it wasn't anything that took away to much from the reading.
-Have a nice day.
-
*That angel is my signature*
Hmm. An interesting take on a Bible story. But it's controversial for me.
I like your descriptive, narrative style. I could picture the entire scene as though I were standing right there, watching it. However, I don't necessarily care too much for the story's plot. It's too modern, too supernatural, too proud on Jesus' behalf, too...how do I put this? Stressed.
Good job writing, but you may want to rethink this. Don't try so hard to make a good story.