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139,638 Literary Works • 672,637 Reviews
Hi! First of all, I think you've got a very interesting plot here. The tribal setting for an event as mystical as a resurrection also seems perfect to me. However, I do agree with the previous review about the narration. The story seems more of an informative account than the mysterious, intriguing tale it should be. Do try to include more dialogue and more character action. I think this is how readers will truly "experience" the story because it brings your characters to life.
. Keep it up! I'll be following this story 
.
I also think that maybe this isn't the best way to start the story. I think that instead of rushing into telling the rituals done on Muaima, you should focus on the emotions surrounding her resurrection. This will allow you to make the story seem less two-dimensional, so to speak.
But I really do like what you've done here
Hey there napalmerski! I'm WD and I enjoyed reading this story. The ideas you have here are intriguing. You did a lovely job of setting up your world and I, as the reader, have a strong grasp on some of the customs and ideas that saturate your world. Very good job there. In fantasy, world building is key... however, I think we have a case of early infodumps here.
You see, your ideas are fascinating, and this has the elements of a good story, but at the moment, the reader has very little to latch onto. If I opened up this book, I would think the world was neat, but I would not be sucked into the story. Why? Because readers don't care about your world unless A) you do something outrageous so they are so shocked they have to continue reading B) you use one heck of an original voice. Whether it be poetic or sarcastic, you lay down the standards for voice engagement C) you engage them with interesting characters. C and B seems most likely for this. C is generally easier to do and more engaging. With B, you're setting up a specific audience and introducing tone.
I understand you are trying to set up your story, but I think this can be done more vibrantly than in infodumps. Let me provide an example:
First line--great. Very intriguing sentence. All in all, this is a nice opening paragraph, giving us a brief rundown of setting and character. The passive construction of your second sentence loses my interest a little, but not bad. And it goes on:
Hmm, take a look at this. What do we know about Muaima? She came back to life. Intrigung. She is confused, scared and aggressive. Okay. She's forgotten things. Okay. Okay, so you set up some states of her character, but the reader feels no connection with Muaima. Why? Because you tell us she was confused, scared and aggressive. We don't see her cowering in the corner, shouting at her parents, crying or staring at the wall blankly, wondering where she is. We don't see her fumbling to dress herself, failing at preparing food, standing to the side as children played. Yes, this is a beginning. No, I don't think you should go on and on about every single action she does that communicates this. But the reader needs to see your character in action to be sucked in. What does Muaima do that gives people this impression of her? You see, when readers read, we don't read to hear every emotion a character feels. We read to puzzle out characters and learn about them, grow with them. To do that, we need some body language here, I think.
I know this is hard to do with a beginning where you're trying to summarize, but consider putting Muaima in a specific place at a specific time and having her flashback to this. Consider a few lines about her actions. Consider the narrator summarizing her habits instead of her emotions. Consider: who is your narrator? What is Muaima doing during this? What tone befits this piece? Do you really even need to give us this much information at the beginning?
See, this piece seems surreal, like it is rooted in age and legend. Largely due to the second birth part, but that's what it feels like. However, the tone is a strictly informative prose that treats the information we are given casually and with distance. Now, this could be nifty if we got more of Muaima because it would take a detour from traditional, legend-saturated introductions, but I think it's important to think about why you are using the tone you are using.
In summary:
-avoid information dumps. The reader won't care about the information you give them unless they are sucked in by the character.
-show me more of Muaima. Tell me less.
-consider what tone you are going for here and really analyze your sentences to see how it is working
-consider who your narrator is and how they would describe this scene to you. Is it a recorder writing this? A bystander of the action? Even if you are using third person, there is often an implied narrator, so think about who/what it is and what tone results from that.
Also, listen to what was said about grammar. It's important. All in all, an interesting beginning. My comments were broad, yes, but I feel like you, as a writer, need to mull some things over before I start nitpicking sentence structure and sections. Nice work and keep writing! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!
Hi there! This is my first review in about...4 months? So, bare with me xD
When a person speaks, you're supposed to start a new paragraph.
There should be a comma between dark and naked because you are using two adjectives to describe the trees.
Also, that comma is unnecessary.
Widow's huts should have an apostrophe because it is possessive.
I also really liked the similie you used to describe the trees. Creative!
You have a habit of adding in commas in unnecessary places. The following all have comas that don't need to be added in:
(The uneccessary ones are in bold. Just clarifying
Over all!
I really liked this! Very morbid but intregueing. I'd love to review the next chapter.
One thing I need to point out is that you tend to misplace commas. To try and avoid this, read the passange out and take a small pause whenever you see a comma. If the sentence sounds strange and choppy, it most likely means the comma shouldn't be there.
Good job!
- Fraggle