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139,639 Literary Works • 672,637 Reviews
Hi,my name is CuriousVampire and I shall be your reviwer for today.
First the nitpicks that needs fixing, but their really wasn't any:
The part I highlighted in red sounds weird to me. Try 'They're snow white!' instead. Other than that I really enjoyed your story.
Hi Stella,
thanx for the feedback, I've incorporated most of it already. I've left the scenery 'behind' the window, the mom stays 34, since he's her son and knows her age exactly, the 'kid' stays, for no reason I can cite, I just like it:)
To answer your question: someone's hair going white abruptly is a story-telling convention by which the magnitude of the experienced terror is illustrated. But now come to think of it, looks like Stephen King and David Lynch are the last ones to use it. Time for a revival:)
What he sees is a mystery. But honestly, it never occured to me that he may be seeing the future, haha. I think he rather either sees how thing 'really are', or 'really are in another dimension'
Thanx again for the nitpicks
It's a standalone viginette
Hey Napal! Stella here!
I. NITPICKS
I have to ask about several word choices here. The seat window? Behind? What about outside? And what on earth is a seat window?
Being so specific throws people off a little, I think. Say in her thirties, maybe.
iPhone. Just to get that incorrect capitilisation incorrect.
crescendo just means rising in volume, not a specific high point.
"The boy" sounds weird here. Just say "He".
"What is it?"
Alright.
II. UM... ALRIGHT...
I found this really bizarre, and my general reaction was one of bemusement. He sees the future, or he just thinks he does? And then his hair turns white, what's with that?
I read this at first thinking it was a stand alone but by the time I got to the end I'm pretty sure it wasn't, but I'm still second-guessing myself.
III. OVERALL
I'd relax a little with your wording, it's coming over extremely unnatural. Other than that, other than clearing up some confusion, nicely done!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x