I woke with a start, as ice cold water washed over my face. I found myself in a large warehouse with my arms and legs bound to a chair. I looked around as best as I could and saw large boxes stacked on top of each other at the edges of the warehouse, but in my close proximity there was nothing. Then from behind me, I heard footsteps.
“Good of you to wake up,” sneered a voice full of malice. I strained myself trying to turn my head around but I knew it was impossible. I had to think of something quick. On the one hand I had to find a way to escape because I knew the longer I stayed, the less favourable my situation would become. On the other hand I wanted to stay and try and find out as much as I could. After all, it was probably likely that I would learn more from this guy than I would from the government and its spies.
“Who are you? What do you want with me? Why did you kill my parents? Why are you still after memeeeeee?” I blurted out as my teeth began to chatter frantically as the after effects of the freezing water began to set in.
“Easy, easy, why do you think you are here? I am about to tell you everything. What fun would it be if you didn’t know? After all the effort the world leaders went to, in order to cover everything up, what would be better than for me to collapse all their plans in one go?”
“Then get to it already,” I shouted. I hated the way he talked with a chuckle to his voice. I was furious at the fact that he was having fun. Suddenly he boxed my head from behind. I felt my chair get kicked as I was thrown onto the floor. My face hit the ground hard. I tasted blood on my lips.
“See, now it’s a lot quieter without you shouting like an idiot. Where was I again? Oh yeah, I was about to explain everything. You and your parents aren’t human. You are some scum species of alien whose names I don’t remember. What do I care? Under the false pretence of an alliance your species tried to invade earth and the stupid world government bought your parents appeal and allowed them to be ambassadors.”
I struggled to pick myself up but to no avail. I was both shocked and relieved. I had always found myself outside the circle of humanity. I had made no friends, never been interested in their activities and had only ever shown interest in space and aliens. It made sense that I was a different species. Personally I wasn’t even shocked about that. Why would I be? I had never felt any attachment to any humans except my real parents and if they were aliens too, then in actual fact I hadn’t bonded with any humans.
What surprised me though was the fact that I seemed to be part of the evil side. Was this guy telling the truth? Was I a child of an evil species? Somehow I had never contemplated being a villain. Wait, what was I thinking? Why would it make me a villain even if my species tried to invade? Maybe the humans started it. No, how did I know this guy was telling the truth? How did he know anyway?
“What would you know, murderer!” I said through clenched teeth.
“Yes, yes, it must be difficult to take it all in at once. Still that’s something you have to get used to. The intention was to take all three of you out but you escaped. Then the government hid you. However, luck was on my side because those meteors came down. As soon as they arrived I knew you would go to it. After all it was only natural that you were drawn to your own species. That disgusting blue dust that you lot use to enhance your abilities; it was scattered all over the meteor site. I thought you would be drawn to it like a shark would be to a drop of blood a thousand miles away. My hunch was right.
“Right now your species would be looking for you three and when you are not found, they will charge the world government with your deaths and attack. Eventually the world government will have no choice but to attack back and destroy your alien fleet. And then I will use you to finish them off.”
“That’s the biggest bunch of crap I have ever heard. I don’t believe you.” I spat.
I heard a loud noise outside the warehouse. Then I heard receding footstep behind me. He was probably going to check out what the fuss was about. This was good. If there was an unexpected visitor it could only mean rescue. But who would rescue me? It had to be the government and right then, I wasn’t sure if that meant rescue or being taken hostage. Either way my future didn’t look too bright. Of all the times to actually start valuing my life and I was stuck in a situation where I could lose it any moment.
“Pssst, Jason” called a voice from my side. A figure ran up to me from behind the boxes. I felt my arms and legs become free as I bought to stand upright again. I recognised that voice. I turned to a see a familiar face and without acknowledging it, relief flooded my insides. It was my stepfather and he was armed.
“What are you doing here?” I whispered, “Are you here to take me back to the government? I guess you wanted to complete your mission?” With that I ripped my arms out of his grasp and backed away a little.
“Jason, I can’t begin to imagine the feeling of betrayal that you will be going through right now. But trust me when I say the government have your best interests at heart as do I. This guy is a terrorist who wants nothing more than to see you and your species dead. Trust…..”
A bullet shot through the air and lodged itself in my stepfather’s chest. He fell back with a thud as he hit the ground. Another one found its way to his leg and then another disabled his armed hand. I felt my heart skip a beat at this point. Did I actually care about this man?
“Did you actually think you could distract me with your stupid decoy? What’s this, only one person in the rescue operation?” sneered the same voice that had tormented me earlier. I turned to face him. His tall and lean figure was as I remembered. His face was no longer covered by shades but instead showed two evil eyes with a scar under his left one.
“Jason, my mission was to simply watch over you but I guess I got ….” stuttered my stepfather as his breathing became very heavy.
“How sweet, a goodbye speech.”
“My real name is John Newton King,” my step father said, his voice now merely a whisper.
“Why are you telling me all this now?” I demanded as I noticed tears began to well up in his eyes, not tears of pain from the bullet, no, tears for a different reason.
“Because you think our relationship was a lie, but I want to leave something truthful about me behind so you realise that it actually had a truth to it…. in that I actually did care for you. I am sorry for the way things turned out. I really am”. My stepfather pressed a button on his belt.
Two seconds after this I heard multiple explosions around me. Initially the explosions were outside the warehouse but then several of the boxes inside started to explode. I turned around to see my captor run out as fast as he could.
Did my stepfather just try to kill me off? How was this going to save me? I tried to run, but my body wouldn’t move. Somehow I felt I could trust my stepfather. Surely he wouldn’t do something that would kill me. I stood confidently. No, he wouldn’t kill me. I am sure there was a plan. I trusted him.
And then the entire warehouse went up in flames taking the lives of everyone in it. I saw the fire consume my captor as well. Then I, Jason Marco Turner, died.
End of chapter
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140,453 Literary Works • 673,222 Reviews
Sushi here finally. Sorry it took so long.
I have a feeling that this may be the effects of the water, but at first I thought it looked kind of funny. Kind of drew my attention away from the story and wherever Jason was being held captive. Maybe if you had him chattering his teeth on more words this would stand out less.This seemed a little strange when it came to dialogue. The guy that killed his parents asks him a question, and then answers it. This reminds me of my mom which gives me a very strange image of this man. (Just me opinion so feel free to ignore it)
Would makes things sound like the aliens want to look for Jason but can't because something is preventing them. Maybe should?
Typo?
Sentence Structure: I have been told this before so I thought that I might also tell you what I have learned. When something suspenseful or full of action such as this scene here happens, play with the structure of your sentences. Shortening them tends to add to the suspense, elongating them only feeds the reader too much information at a single moment. That's what I learned anyways.
The little speech I must admit was slightly cliche with his father, but I am one to talk. I like how you ended this with mystery and finality which leaves the readers wanting more and has them sympathize with Jason. The betrayal is very strongly shown in this so well done. The only thing that you did way too many times throughout the entire story was say "I". Just change some of those and this will flow better. On to the next chapter.
Sushi
Hi! Sorry for the wait on my review, I've been a bit busy!
Nitpick: In the first paragraph you start a three sentences in a row with "I"
Your sentences are a bit choppy, especially when you're describing action sequences. I would try combining some, adding in conjunctions or semi-colons to help the flow.
Also, how your character finds out whats happening with him is kind of abrupt. He just kind of is like... "Oh. Okay. Well, this is completely normal. Being taken captive and then being told I'm an alien... all in a days work."
You also contradict yourself, saying that your character was shocked and confused, and then saying that he wasn't shocked. Which is it?
I liked the way you ended this! Cliff hanger! Very surprising, although I have a feeling he'll be back... haha.
Hope this helps a bit, keep writing!
~*Hope
Hi there!
Once again, you have not disappointed with this chapter. It was action packed but didn't lack plot and information. I give you props. Nice job.
The first thing I'd like to talk about is this mystery man who is holding Jason captive. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think you described him at all.
I'm not even sure if he's someone with the government or someone who wants Jason for all the wrong reasons. When you go back and edit, you might want to add something in this chapter about the man. Tell us what he looks like, if he has a gun in his hand, if he was about to tell Jason his plans and then stopped just before spilling the beans.So I went back and read the end of Chapter 4 again and realized that you did introduce this man. But I'd still like to know more information about him. More information would add to the tension of this scene and really pull the reader into it. Also, how does he know so much about everything and why is he willing to tell Jason all of this? Just a few things to think about.Second, his father -- step-father -- coming to save him is quite unexpected, really. But I like it. I don't know, I just thought his "host family" parents were just, like, barely attached to him, you know? Like, "Oh Jason was a nice kid. So sad to see him leave like that". That's how I saw them. But it's a nice surprise to see Jason's step-father come back. And for him to say all that to Jason was so sweet. Really, I liked that scene.
Overall this is a good chapter. You know I love good action so I was really into this chapter. I also liked how you revealed information to Jason. There's always that one (or two) chapter where the reader gets all of the information. We may not get all of the information in this chapter, but we get a lot of it. So now the information is catching up to the plot.
I really can't wait to read more. You never fail to grab my interest. Keep up the good work!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
I'm late again! =/ but not one purpose. I was on a leave.
If I had to really honestly describe what I'm feeling right now after reading this, it would be excitement, while at the same time fear. Fear that you have managed to always create through the mystery. From top to bottom, the whole chapter, the descriptions, the action scenes, all of them were like really amazing.
One of the things I liked most here was how you creatively add phrases like that shark being able to smell a drop of blood that's miles away. That was actually a very creative way to describe it. And all in all, I was able to get a sense of the background. jason's background.
Another thing I liked here was how you described the part when the mystery about who he really is, was finally revealed and Jason acted like he wasn't surprised. You made it clear what he was feeling at that time, the fact that he had always known, and that paragraph made me feel more closer to him. In a way that I can relate with him more.
And another thing that I liked here were the evil guy's dialogues. Not just that, but him hitting jason like that, it made it crystal clear just how much that guy hated him.
The ending's pretty surprising. I have no idea what I should say to that. It's really shocking, it framed these questions in my mind.
How did his stepfather know where he was? Is there some sort of tracking device on him or something? And when did he install so many explosives in that area, let alone the room. And last, what has really happened to Jason?
If you're going to mention all that in later chaps then it's cool. =)
And there are so many more questions. I guess it's good that the reader is even more curious than before. I honestly didn't have this many questions in my mind before. Overall, I enjoyed reading it a lot. Good luck on the next chap. Can't wait. =D
hmmm...........honestly ur sci fi stuff is mind blowing! i read ur stuff very curiously coz i am studying engineering and i like sci fi stuff [almost]. ur some para are good some are awesome and some are very very well constructed.
for eg:
[“Good of you to wake up,” sneered a voice full of malice. I strained myself trying to turn my head around but I knew it was impossible. I had to think of something quick. On the one hand I had to find a way to escape because I knew the longer I stayed, the less favourable my situation would become. On the other hand I wanted to stay and try and find out as much as I could. After all, it was probably likely that I would learn more from this guy than I would from the government and its spies.]
ur mixed feeling here showing how good writer u r. u know what ur character wants exactly. nice pal! in my opinion u like sci- stuff, isn't it?
well, ur chap depicts this window dressing of urs! sorry for misjudging!
coming back to ur stuff, it is nice and very well executed.
keep writing! i will give a autonomous bot for this!
Hey mystogan!
Okay, I’m going to be completely honest here and say that I have really mixed feelings about this. The main thing I like about this is the way the plot is advancing; I’m still curious to find out what happens, and some of the twists and turns so far have certainly been interesting. There’s a promising story here and I like it, but some of the other aspects of it are holding it back. I’m not going to make this a really long and rambling review because I’ve already mentioned a lot of them in previous reviews, just briefly point out some of the things that really stood out to me in this chapter.
These are the things I’d love to see in this: more detail, more focus on the characters’ experiences, smoother and more thoughtful dialogue. While this is fast-paced and there’s lots happening, which can be a great thing, some of it feels too rushed. It’s like going for a walk through a forest and then rushing through it and focusing only on getting out: it’s nicer if you stop to think for a moment. Here, things are happening, and I’m vaguely interested in the things that are happening and how the plot will work itself out, but I’m not really getting much of a view of the characters’ experiences, and I’m not feeling much for them.
So when Jason dies at the end, I think “hmm, interesting” but it fails to really bring up any emotions in me, because he’s very vague as a character at the moment, and rather than reading and momentarily becoming a part of his experiences, it’s like being detached and watching events happening from above. I want to be drawn in more; I want to really care. I want to know the details that stood out in the moment, I want to see flashes of images in my imagination that tell me things about what the character is feeling or seeing or experiencing. I want to see more detail, and since Jason is the main character/narrator, I really want to know more about him. I don’t really even mean things like facts about him, but the exact way he sees the world around him, reacts to it and interacts with it.
It’s a little hard to empathise with Jason because he doesn’t really have much depth. He’s not very emotional and seems quite detached – okay, but there must be a reason for this. In a way it could make the way he experiences things even more interesting to read about, if only they were described in more depth and detail with more focus. I want to understand him better, even if he’s an unusual kind of person – especially if he’s an unusual kind of person.
I think that’s all I really have to say: I look forward to seeing the next part of this and finding out where Jason’s story takes him next, and also to possibly see things become more real and vivid: more detail and depth to everything; the characters, the things around them and their experiences.
I hope this helps.
~Niebla
:O
HE DIED????!!!!!
NOOOOOOO!!!! NO NO NO HE CAN'T DIE HE CAN'T DIE AT ALL HE'S THE MAIN CHARACTER OF THE STORY AND THEN THAT MEANS THE STPRY WOULD END NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!
*pants*
He's going to magically stay alive, right?? Please say yes!!
~~~
Ahem. Well, to actually review your work, there is one part that needed a little touching up.
" I heard a loud noise outside the warehouse. Then I heard receding footstep behind me."
This should be, instead, "I heard a loud noise outside the warehouse, before hearing receding footsteps behind me."
My Language Arts teacher drilled this into my head: Don't ever start a sentence with 'then'.
She is one effective lady. >.<