It was almost morning when I arrived at the borders of the city. Orchestra forest was in view, but unfortunately so were jeeps and soldiers pacing back and forth in front of it. I took off my hoody and approached confidently.
“Stop right there kid! What do you think you are doing out at this time of night or morning should I say? Don’t you know you should be indoors right now?” asked a huge bulky soldier who marched over towards me. In his left hand he held a rifle that was longer than my arms.
“Huh, what do you mean? I just woke up. I was out last night partying at a mate’s place. What’s up? Why is no one around? I mean even at this time there should be some people around. And why are you guys here? Is there some sort of terrorist attack?” I enquired pulling a stupid expression which I associated with a hung-over look.
“Yes there has been a terrorist attack. They tried to bomb the city but the explosions occurred in the forest. However there has been a reported gas leak from it as well as radioactive remains around the area. Therefore the entire city is on house arrest……. for their protection. You should go on back to your parents kid. Don’t worry about a thing; we will take care of it.”
“Wow, that’s some extreme shi…….”
“Look here kid, I am being dead serious, and you need to leave. Now!” interrupted the man, his already stern face becoming ever tighter.
I could see that I was not going to get any more out of him, so I began to leave when I heard another voice call behind me.
“Hey you, stop right there.” Shouted another man running towards the two of us.
“What’s up Sam, why are holding this kid up?”
“Oh it’s nothing, Billy. It’s all part of the procedure. Anyone spotted out after our deadlock is supposed to fill in a form. It’s just part of the protocol.”
I froze with dread. If they expected me to fill in a form, it would surely involve my address and name. I couldn’t make any of those up, because they would probably find out immediately. If I wrote the truth, they would find out who I was. Damn! How did I put myself in this situation?
I looked up to find both of the soldiers staring at me. The longer this dragged out the more suspicious they would have become. I had to do something fast. Fear drummed the insides of my head without pause. I could have fainted for all I knew. I didn’t sweat though. Oddly, I never sweated much. It was a strange realisation and at a very odd time as well, but all the same, it was something I noted at that point.
I took out my dad’s pen and stretched out my hand to take the form. Just then I pretended to drop the pen, so as to buy myself some more time. As the pen dropped, the side of it cracked. Damn it, how could I do something so stupid. That’s the only thing I have left from dad I thought. But I was interrupted as I saw what came out from within the pen. Tiny specs of blue dust began flying into the air out of the crack. I knelt down to quickly cover it but then my vision blurred.
I closed my eyes and then took a deep breath. I knew what would happen when I opened them. My guess was right as I opened my eyes to a world bathed in blue. I saw past the soldiers and buildings. When I squinted my eyes, it was as if zooming in and then at that point the same buildings I was looking past would come into focus and I would see what was in them as opposed to behind them.
Using this I scanned the entire border from my location to see the defences the army had placed to stop people going into the forest. To my convenience the location that was manned by the least number of men was where I was standing. But that luck would be for nought if I couldn’t get past these men. I turned towards them and saw their figures. They were a deeper shade of blue than their surroundings.
“Are you alright kid?” enquired one of them whose name I did not care to remember. I picked up the pen and stowed it in my pocket. I was about to answer when I felt a sudden itching across my body. I realised I was alert and my body was erect. There was a throbbing and my ears began to zone in on a noise coming from behind me.
I turned and scanned past the houses that lay there and saw a couple of jeeps coming. There were manned by people wearing masks and they were armed. From their assortment of weapons I could tell they were all scavenged. From their lack of a coordinated uniform I assumed these guys were terrorists.
“Hey kid!” I turned around to face the soldiers. One of them had his hand on his gun. I was about to answer when a missile launched near us. The soldiers went flying. As my body was thrown off the ground I saw the skin on hands tear and the flesh melt into the air. I landed with a thud on the ground metres from where I had stood.
More missiles followed as the jeeps rolled into the area. The army had been caught unawares. They weren’t expecting this. They must have been expecting any threat, if any to come from within the forest, because that was where they had been facing.
I raised my hands to my face. The flesh had been torn off but there was no pain. But what I saw shocked me more than I could describe. Where my fake tanned skin had been, there was blue skin instead. Blue skin with white dots scattered near the centre of my hands.
What in the world. Why are my hands blue? Am I dead or am I dying? Why don’t I feel any pain when those soldiers are dead from the same blast? As these thoughts were racing through my head I heard footsteps. I turned my head slightly to the left and my eyes widened with horror.
A man was walking up to me. His tall and lean figure was cloaked in a black coat. His eyes were hidden behind shades. In his hands he held a gun- the same one that had taken the lives of my parent’s only years before. He leant over me and bent down so I could hear him.
“I knew you would come. That day you escaped me, but now you are back where you belong. Now where was I when you ran out on me last time? Oh yes, I was about to annihilate your entire race!”
End of chapter
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140,453 Literary Works • 673,222 Reviews
Hello again! ^^
I know a lot of this is really vague but I hope that at least some of it helps; I’m going to go and read and review Chapter Five now!
I see that this chapter already has plenty of reviews, but I’ll add mine in anyway.
This has really improved from the first chapter – there’s a lot more here that I liked, and a lot less to pick on, though there’s still plenty of room for improvement. There’s a lot more action and excitement, and I’m still really interested to know what the blue vision is all about – and I like what description there is of it, though I don’t really feel like there was enough. But since I see there’s already plenty of praise in the first few reviews, I’m going to focus on the things that could really be improved in this review:
Dialogue. The dialogue in this wasn’t awful but it wasn’t great either: it felt somehow awkward to read. In parts it didn’t really have the right flow or tone and it was hard for me to imagine the characters saying those things: I ended up tripping on those lines of dialogue, reading them over again and almost restructuring them in my head. I think it would be great if it sounded a little more like the kind of thing the characters would actually say, with appropriate pauses and flow and – just read it over and try to make it sound more natural and less stilted. Again, it’s not really a massive problem here, but smoother dialogue would be a really big improvement. And, actually, this counts for the rest of the piece too – there were places where it just felt jerky to read and interrupted the flow of the story.
Another thing is that there were a lot of places here where there could have been so much more detail, but there wasn’t. Especially near the end, where there’s a massive blast and he witnesses people dying all around him – yet doesn’t mention it in more than a vague passing remark a little after it actually happens. So far Jason has at points shown himself to be kind of unemotional, but even so, isn’t an event like this something that deserves a little more description? Without it, the scene lacks depth. There’s no focus on the important details, and they get lost amongst all the less important ones. I can’t, as the reader, visualise the scene properly, and I don’t feel for Jason. I don’t care about him, or about the people around him: the story would have to be more absorbing for that, but at some points – again, the one with the soldiers particularly – it’s like a vague sketch which barely skims the surface of what’s really going on.
I’m also not really too sure about the ending. Again, it just doesn’t feel like it’s digging deep enough. How many stories have included a character in a dark coat and shades who says things like “I was about to annihilate your entire race?” Altogether the dialogue feels staged and it’s hard to believe the character is really saying it. It’s hard to see the story as “real” and hard to take it seriously. But, with editing, this can be sorted out. The story can become much deeper, the characters much more fleshed out. At the moment there are things I really like about this – the outline of the things beginning to take shape – and the things I don’t, which is that the outline isn’t really filled in yet. Keep editing and thinking about the characters, about what they’re really experiencing, what they can see and what the tone of the moment is, what they can smell and hear and feel and what’s driving them on, what’s holding them together, what’s tearing them apart.
~Niebla
Hello, Sushi here ready to review! -thumbs up-
I feel like there should be a comma between "night" and "or". It just kind of helps to show the person's rethinking his choice of words. (This is just my personal opinion though) Also I believe the "asked" should be CAPPED because if follows right after a "?".Just wondering, why would an officer that is most likely older than this kid that is "hung-over" answer him? Wouldn't the officer more likely tell him to go home and pretend he saw nothing to keep anxiety levels of the town down?
I just kind of wanted to say this because this is how it sounded to me. When he says fill in I feel like he's talking about mad libs, kind of broke the tension for me.
The way you used "then" in this sentence makes it kind of unnecessary. If you read it you might understand where I am coming from.
First off the "inquired" should be CAPPED and spelled with an "i", at least that's what Google says. (I'm not too good at spelling) I also believe that a comma between "them" and "whose" to separate the person and Jason's thought of them would be good.
I really like how you plot twisted this to bring the beginning back to the now. It tells us a bit more about what is to come, but not enough just so that we need to read more! The only thing that kind of bothered me about this was the way the man spoke. It seemed a little unnatural the way he was so blunt about killing the kid, that's just my personal opinion though. I really do like your story, and sorry it took so long, I shall save chapter five for when review day starts!
Sushi
Hi there!
You did a good job with the descriptions as well. I could see everything in my head; all of the explosions and the guards dying, So good job with that!
Oh gosh, I love this chapter, I really do. It started out a little slow, just him trying to escape his "destiny" or whatever his fake parents were talking about. And then the action starts. I was sold after the action. You know me, I love good action in stories
The interaction between your character and the soldiers is quite realistic. Well, I've never been in any kind of situation like that in real life, but from other stories I've read and movies I've watched, the soldiers are always trying to reason with the kid and explain what's going on. So you did that scene really well too.
Everyone else before me has seemed to point out spelling and all of that so I'm going to leave that be.
There is one thing that confuses me a bit. It's about his blue vision. Are there certain times that it's brought on? I know there'll be more description later, but I'm curious about it. Because the vision has happened twice now and both times it has happened when something bad was going on. Is it caused by anything or is it just one of those things where he needs to learn how to control his power?
As always, another great chapter. Maybe next chapter I'll get here sooner than 4 days after the post -_- Grr work for stalling my reviews. Anyways, can't wait for the next chapter!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Amazing.
<3 
<3 
Wow.
WOW.
That is literally all I can say.
I did not expect this. My eyes are really big right now, and my mouth, just a few moments earlier, was shaped like an 'o'. Seriously.
I really love this twist at the end of the chapter, where you find out that (NO WAY!!!) he's not human, and a whole new race.
It looks like BlackNether, Hope, and Twinkle have already told you the spelling/grammar errors... But the chapter still looks great, and I absolutely, as always,
LOVE IT!!!!!!! <3
-- Wonder <3
Hi! Back again
This needs to be broken up with some commas... like after "night" and possibly "morning". Just depends on how you want it to sound, but def. needs a pause or two in there somewhere.
Is this guy over 21? Because if not, this probably isn't the best story for the police haha. I mean, its better than the truth, but still.
Should be a comma after "there" instead of a period, and "shouted" shouldn't be capitalized.
Question mark after "stupid" and comma after "dad".
This was super confusing, and I had to read it a few times to figure out what you were trying to say. I might break it up into a couple sentences or simplify it...
Interesting twist at the end! I really like where you're going with this!
This was mentioned before, but I figured I'd just reiterate it. You need a bit more detail, you do a lot of telling instead of showing us what's happening. For example, with the terrorists, instead of flat out saying what they are, describe them, and let the reader draw their own conclusions.
You've got some awesome ideas going here, I'm intrigued.
~*Hope
Okay, hey mystogan, Black here for a quick Review!
First off: Great work. Readers in ANY story love action and when you give it to them in large, concentrated amounts . . . well, then end up loving you. You write your action really well. Personally I think A: a bit more detail on what all is going on, overall, or B: a lot more detail on what the MC is thinking would really improve it a whole lot!
Your problems/weaknesses in my view are really probably action (you do a good job, but you still have problems), grammar, and possibly detail. You're good in action, pacing, spelling (a few problems here), and everything else. What I'm going to do in this review is sit down and A: Prove to you that you have a problem B: Solve the problem on the base level, then C: generalize and hope you take my advices. Remember that it's up to you to do the hard work of following what I say, though!
I'll start with Spelling. Your main problem here is really in that you only spell a couple of words incorrectly. Other than those two or three you did a pretty much spot-less job. Here I'm going to give you your examples!
'enquired' is spelled 'inquired' and realized is spelled with a 'z', and not an 's'.
'nought' isn't a word, you mean to use, I believe, is 'naught', with an 'a'. 'defences' isn't a word, but you mean 'defenses' right? . . . might just be a variation but it's better to be safe than sorry. Again, watch for just variation words.
Okay, that's the few mistakes I told you I'd find you! These are simple mistakes, to solve them I advise you to get a spell checker and make it a habit to re-spell these instead of left-clicking, every time you do them wrong! Good luck!
Next I go to Action! As I mentioned earlier you have two options. A: You need to put in a lot more overall detail on the attack and everything that's happening, covering the entire scene. B: You need to show what your main character is feeling in a lot more detail. A LOT MORE DETAIL! Really I don't have a ton to say here, just remember to keep an eye on that, and do it!
Okay, I have to wind things down now so here goes on Detail! The problem here is closely tied to your action problem. I advise you to try to build up a bit on where they are, who the characters are, if the MC is a good guy or not, where there from . . . all that. Right now I don't even know if they're on earth, and being me, I want to know that. You need to cover details like this on the first chapter.
Alright, I said I'd wind things down and I am. Sorry. I have to get going here. See you around I guess, good work, good action, I really did enjoy reading this piece! Remember: Keep writing - You WILL improve!
~Black~
Oh my gosh!! I am literally jumping with excitement. This is going pretty well, and I never expected him to be a different race. Perhaps that's why his parents were killed. And I can't believe he is facing the same man who killed them that day. And he remembers him. What I loved most here was the line 'he held a rifle that was longer than my arms.' Lol, that was hilarious and at the same time, I kinda felt a chill just imagining how long that rifle might be.
Another part was when you described the skin tearing and flesh melting, that was very realistic. And made me feel like I was standing right there on the same ground where he lay. And blue skin, that was so completely awesome. Caught me off-guard. I thought he might talk his way out of it at first but right after the pen dropped, the surprises just came rushing at me.Where you came up with all of this, I can't imagine. I seriously want to read what happens next. Do post the next chap soon!! Can't wait for it.