I ran back to my drawers and rummaged impatiently through them. A few moments later I dug up my trusty binoculars out of a heap of magazines in my third drawer. Without further ado I ran back to the window and used my binoculars to zoom into the meteors.
They were breath taking to say the least. Yes, they were fiery balls of fire that would cause unimaginable devastation on this overpopulated planet, but all the same, their beauty was unquestionable. I admit, not everyone in my situation would have thought that but for some reason the meteors rocketing through the sky looked harmless to me, even fun to an extent- like going on a roller coaster ride if I am to be exact.
What I noticed next was strange indeed. Around the edges of the fires I noticed small specs of blue dust. Yes, they were blue, clear as the sky, they were scattered at the edges of the flames. I could just make them out. I squinted my eyes to get a better view of them, but then my vision began to blur. The feeling is quite difficult to describe. To put it in your terms, I felt as if I had been watching television and then the pictures began to get fuzzy.
I put my binoculars down and rubbed my eyes but when I opened them again the world I saw was quite different. My vision was in blue. I could see everything as different shades of blue; strangely it was not difficult for me to distinguish the many different objects from each other. Thinking back on it now, I could tell straight away each house on the street from the next. It was as if I was born like that. But what took me by surprise the most was what I saw inside the houses.
Looking at my neighbours’ house I saw straight through their side wall into their kitchen. The same woman, who had run into it moments earlier screaming her head off, sat very patiently by the table. It wasn’t just her. All across the street, the people who had run into the shelter of their homes in a frenzy were very calm, almost as if they were expecting the meteors. But then why were they panicking outside when I saw them?
And then the meteors made contact with the earth. I turned around and saw a billowing cloud rise into the air, and my vision was restored. Like a giant mushroom the smoke rose higher and higher into the air, until it succumbed to the power of gravity and crashed to the ground. Judging from the place where the smoke went up, I could tell that the meteors had landed in Orchestra Forest, which was just outside the city where I lived.
I ran back to my TV and switched on the news. Disappointingly there was nothing there. No, nothing at all; it was just the same stuff as always. I switched on my computer and worked my way onto the news websites that I knew off. Nothing there either. Just then I found a website called A-watch which had footage of the meteors falling through the sky. As I clicked play on the video my internet page refreshed automatically. Surprise, surprise, when the page came back on, the footage was gone already.
I was very puzzled by that. ‘What on earth is going on?’ I wondered. I heard my front door open and then close. Father was home and he was bound to have seen everything on his way to the house.
I ran down screaming, “Father, father, did you see the meteor?”
“What meteor? Are you feeling alright Jason?” he enquired, not the least bit disturbed.
“Oh honey, not so loud, I feel like my ear drums are going to burst,” chided my mother. I looked at them incredulously. How could they possibly say something like that?
“Oh dear, I knew this would happen,” said my father, turning to my mother, “this is what happens from letting him get so obsessed with aliens and stuff, now he thinks there has been a meteor attack.”
My mum shook her head, “I’m sure he is just joking, besides honey, if there was a meteor attack, the entire street would be pure chaos.”
There, right there, I thought something was wrong. Something was really wrong. Why would my mother say that? Especially when I had just figured out that everyone in the street was acting strange inside their homes. You see, I was into aliens and all, in fact almost obsessed. I have no idea why, I just felt more alive by looking into all that stuff. And I might have actually thought that everything that happened had been a figment of my imagination, but then my mother went and said that.
The very fact that she said exactly what I knew to be false, just tipped everything over the edge. Something very fishy was going on and everyone was in on it. And why did they both refer to the meteor as an attack? Who said anything about an attack? I broke my chain of thought and realised that they were both staring at me. I hid my thoughts and smiled, taking care to show them the whites of my teeth.
“Yep, you are right. Maybe I did imagine that, ha ha ha. Maybe I really do watch too much doctor who and stuff. I am gonna go upstairs then, see ya”. With that I turned and went into my room. I knew just what to do. Later I pretended to skip dinner and go to bed early. Before I went to bed, I hid one of my walky-talkies in my shoe at the bottom of the stairs. Don’t ask me why I have two walky-talkies when I have no friends, it’s just one of those things that I liked to have, okay.
From under my covers I listened to the conversation my parents were having. They were still in the kitchen which was right next to the stairs. They were whispering a lot so it was difficult for me to understand them. Then the doorbell rang. They both ran to get it. Why were they running to get the door, who were they expecting at this time of night?
“Hallo John, we were expecting you. What are the higher ups saying about all this mess?” enquired a voice that belonged to my father. A deep voice replied. I assumed that would be John.
“Where is he?” it said.
My mother replied, “Don’t worry he is asleep, we have convinced him that it was all down to his imagination. Thanks to the whole street, he really believes that. When we saw him at dinner, he was completely normal again like he always was.”
“Good,” came John’s deep voice, “The higher ups have changed. The person directly handling this matter is the president now. He is holding an emergency G8 meeting which will commence in about eight hours. But to put it into context for you, we are finally commencing the next stage of Operation 16.”
End of chapter
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140,453 Literary Works • 673,222 Reviews
Here I am to hop back in to your story.
I'll make comments as I go along!
What?! What? I'm disappointed here! We went from that nice brisk tone and REALLY SUDDENLY go into the narrator giving a play by play. First of all, we don't need a play by play. Couldn't you tell us he just got his binoculars to get a closer look at the meteors?
I am happy you go back to his regular brisk description right after this paragraph, but it's the opening paragraph. Draw us back in from our brief chapter break.
I think this is just silly. If he says he feels more alive by looking at that stuff, then he DOES have an idea why. He might describe the reason a little more and I'd believe him here. After coming off so calm and authoritative in the first chapter, John's voice falters here. He starts being a wishy-washy kid, which makes me not trust he can handle it when he hears what he hears on the walkie-talkie. Give him back his confidence! I want him to find out what's going on.
I have to say, you really have a gift for making the reader want to find out what's coming next. I think it's amazing that you've made us paranoid about the ENTIRE neighborhood, and we're surrounded by people we can't trust, just like John. That thrill makes us want to find out how we'll get out of it, so nice move. I hope in the future parts, you explain why the neighbors had genuine reactions but suddenly got all calm again.
Anyway, yeah! PM me if you have any questions or comments, okay?
Good luck and keep writing!!
I reviewed your first chapter, then realized you had already posted your second chapter, so I'll just repeat what I said for your first chapter.
Detail. Description. Describe what the characters look like more, like what hair color they have, skin color, eye color, full lips, big nose? Freckles? Bad case of acne?
Anyways, I still like it.
- Wonder
Ello! Hope here. I read your chapter one, and was planning on keeping up with it to review more. >.< I'm sorry for the delay, I was gone all weekend, and didn't have wifi, but I thought I'd give you some comments anyway. Seems like people have already said a lot about this piece, so I'll try to keep it short.
I liked where this was going, you really brought questions to my mind at the end about what'll happen next. I'm still rather confused as to what's happening, but I'm sure that'll be cleared up in later chapters.
As for the part where the narrator was describing the meteor shower, for the most part, I liked it. I was really confused what was happening after he saw the blue pieces though, so if you could go into a little bit more detail, that'd be awesome.
Also, the conversation between the parents and narrator was a little stiff. I know it was supposed to be, but it was just a little... too awkward. Even the narrators voice, he should seem nonchalant, and confused, but not stiff.
Let me know if you add more, I'm curious to see what happens next!
~*Hope
Hey again!
This time around, I'm only going to review the story since everybody beat me to the chase for nitpicks!
I am still enjoying this story! What can I say? You've go me hooked!
For this chapter, it was like witnessing another character coming to life. Jason's outlook on life appeared to deepen when the crash occurred. You revealed more about his persona and he changed from a monotone or shut-off person to the "Harry Potter," or in other words, the only one who can save them all position. You also revealed his love of Si-fi which allows the reader to connect with his character.
I'm still thoroughly interested and trying to figure the plot out already. I'm curious about the possibility of connection his parent's murder too the meteors and already have some theories.
Aside from grammatical errors, I felt that this was a strong second chapter that oriented the reader just enough but didn't give away too much of the story. Keep writing!
-Jadefox
Hey! Sushi here roarin' to review.
You can't really zoom "into" a meteor, so maybe "onto the meteor" would be better phrased.Might I say that I love this line! It really gives some character to Jason and helps the reader relate since they would most likely be thinking the same thing, which is funny because your following line say the exact opposite.
I am curious as to why you put "in your terms" like Jason isn't one of us. I read this as either foreshadowing or a mistake, most likely foreshadowing though. I felt like this sentence was too blunt to be a beginning sentence for a paragraph, also you started it with "and".
The first sentence also seems a little blunt, and it starts with I. Normally there is nothing wrong with that but you tend to start a lot of your sentences with "I", and starting a paragraph like that only brings the reader's attention to your habit. The next part where Jason is wondering, wondering is a thought so it should be in italics.
Quotes don't change the effect on punctuation when it comes to capitalization.
Since Jason's "joking" has already passed the is should be past tense, "was".
The part where Jason was wondering why they said attack sent chills down my spine. They way you seemed to corner out Jason making him feel like he's the only one not in on this scheme is a good way to draw in the reader, make them feel like they know Jason as a person, not a character.
Since "Doctor Who" is the name of a show it needs to be capitalized and possibly quoted, maybe italicized, something or other.
You have already used this word, so I would advise you to not use it any time soon. Also since the voice is said to belong to his father then it wouldn't be "a" voice, suggesting that there could be more, since there is only one it should be "the".
I really like this story so far, it gives me chills and makes me want to know more. I think you might want to try using a little more imagery for the meteors' hitting earth so that the reader may feel like they were actually there. Another thing that kind of bothers me is the way the characters talk, there is no aren't, instead you have them say are not. Seems awkward but I can understand why you might do that on purpose. This was really good and I would love for you to notify me once chapter three is out! Keep up the good work.
Sushi
Hey again mystogan!
Firstly, good work with this chapter: the first one drew me in enough to make me want to read this one, but now I’m really intrigued. I’m left with even more questions in my mind than I was after the last chapter: what, exactly, is Operation 16? Who are the higher ups, and why are Jason’s adoptive parents lying to him? I’ll definitely be interested to read on and find out what happens after this.
Now for a few minor nit-picks:
“Fiery ball of fire” is a little repetitive.
Again, this might be what you’re going for, but I found this a bit...too casual, almost? There are parts like this where it’s almost like Jason is trying to have a conversation with the reader, which again might be what you’re going for, but it’s not very consistent and to me it seems a bit out of place with the rest of it. Personally I’d much rather you showed me as a reader that Jason was obsessed with aliens through his actions and dialogue; maybe you can experiment with it.
This paragraph is kind of similar – it just seems really rough and out of place. Maybe you could say that he laughed rather than literally writing “ha ha ha”? The last sentence especially could do with some reworking.
Other than that, I like this and I’ll be interested to read on! There are some nice ideas here, and I like some of your descriptions, like the description of when his vision turns blue. Hope this helps; keep writing!
~Niebla
Hi there!
Whoa, great twist at the end there! I thought maybe there was some crazy thing going on in his head and that he was the only one who had seen the meteors. But now I know that they really were there and that it's all about this operation thing going on. Pretty cool if you ask me. I can't wait to find out what this Operation 16 is and how Jason fits into all of it.
You did a good job giving a bit of background of your character. I like the fact that you told us he's into aliens and all that. It's not much, but it's good enough to tide me over to the next chapter. The time when you really see a character's...character...truly come out is when they're put in a dangerous or different situation. So when this whole Operation 16 thing takes off I'm sure we'll get more about Jason and how he reacts in these kind of situations.
I'm a bit confused (although that's probably what you were going for so my question might go unanswered for a while). What happened to the meteors? Are they still out there smoking in the woods? Are they even meteors? And why was everyone freaking out when they were outside, but were fine when they got inside? I don't see any real difference between outside and inside when there are things falling from the sky. So, yeah, these will probably be answered later on in the story, but I just wanted to get that off my chest.
Overall I really like this chapter. Like I said, the twist at the end of the chapter is great. And the cliffhanger at the end works well too. I can't wait to read more!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
ok, wow, first of all, I'll tell you what I thought of the narration. I think it was very good, I could relate to this person in a way that I could see what he saw, in my head of course, and feel his panic, his suspicions, the way you described that something's wrong, I felt the same way.
I like the fact that you slowly blend the character into the story so that we know what he's like. I get that he has no friends/is into aliens a lot and now I'm curious as to what exactly are his parents up to. This is by far the most unimaginable thing I've ever read. meteors falling, street in chaos and then all of a sudden he can see through the houses that everything's ok? Which is awesome but what confused me here was that you didn't mention it again.
Did the vision return back to normal because he seems to not care or think about that right now. So when his parents told him that he was imagining it all, by then, was he seeing normal colors again?
I really like how you've created the suspense here and it has left me clearly blank as to what'll happen next. I have no idea, this is very unpredictable which is a good thing. Still don't know what operation 16 is but now I know that his parents are in on it. tell me when the next chap is up. I'd love to read more.