My birth name is Jason Marco. Turner was added on at the end as courtesy to the people who adopted me, after my parents died. Well, to say that would make you feel sad for me, but rather than pity I would appreciate some deeper insight from you.
Six years ago I had a comfortable life. I lived at the edge of a loud and active city, skipping in and out of its busy territory and peaceful countryside. On the one hand, I had school where I enjoyed an average education with an expanded interest in various sports (swimming taking a priority) and I also had my relaxing weekends in a cottage by a farm where the cacophony of noises was ever-present.
Of course that was all shattered thanks to that man, whose name I don’t even know. I turned up from school one day to find both my parents lying dead on the floor. My mum was still in her apron with the remains of an unfinished cake splattered on the floor beside her. My dad’s corpse was lying next to the table with a gun just out of his reach.
Standing over his body was a man who wore a black coat, with his eyes hidden behind shades. He was tall and lean. Hanging loosely in his hand was a gun, not too different to the one that was next to my dad’s hands. He turned around and for a second I could have sworn I saw past his shades, into his eyes. What I saw was the true definition of malice, no doubt. I was rooted to the spot and gripped by fear.
Somehow I plucked up the courage to slam the door shut where I stood and run for it. It’s pretty pathetic thinking about it now. I had nowhere else to go and yet I ran, blindly comforted by the fact that a wooden door stood between me and my parent’s killer. My entire world lay dead in that house behind me, yet for the sake of my pitiful existence I ran.
I was found later by police and then kept in isolation. I was informed that my parents had been murdered by a thief and that my life was not in any danger. A week later, I had moved to a different city where I met my adoptive parents.
Since then, I had settled into this dismal excuse for a life. To an everyday observer, it would have seemed that I had it pretty good. My new parents got me anything I needed, I had a normal life juggling school and my hobbies, and I lived in a peaceful city once again. But for some reason I couldn’t fathom it felt like I had been asleep since that incident.
It was as if I had been drifting along endlessly, waiting for something to snap me into reality or at least some kind of state where I felt alive again, because that very happy and perfectly composed life seemed false. For all I knew I could have been comatose and someone could have been reading a story to me. And in the absence of my conscience I could have been absorbing everything that they were reading and assumed it to be my life.
On one of these picturesque days, I was staring out of the window when a rumbling noise came from up above. I looked to the skies and beheld three meteors smashing down from the heavens. I saw them tumbling down as they vaporised the clouds. They left a trail of billowing smoke in their path of destruction. The perfect image was ruined and I smiled ever so faintly. Thinking back on it, I have no idea why I did that.
What followed was utter chaos. All the useless people going about their trivial lives scattered to and fro. They panicked obviously, as one does when three meteors come hurtling towards the earth, although from their location it was clear they weren’t going to land anywhere near the houses of the people. Yet there went the people of my suburban street screaming all sorts of unimportant things. I heard one scream,” Almighty god, spare us for our sins and give us more time to repent”. Another ran shouting, “Sweet heart, where are you?”
And then a girl screamed. She stood rooted to the spot where she had been when she saw the meteors. She had been gripped with fear and she screamed. Her eyes were closed and tears were streaming down her face but she just screamed.
As if waking from a dream…..no a nightmare I revisited the memory of my parents lying dead. I felt the sorrow I had neglected to feel at the time, I felt rage at the stranger who had killed my parents and I realised then that he was not a thief as the police had said. For if he was a thief why would he be simply holding a gun at them without actually having taken anything? Why would he have turned to face me the way he did? At that moment I felt both confused and curious.
But more than anything I felt alive again. I had woken up from my long slumber and I once again looked at the world.
End of chapter
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140,452 Literary Works • 673,211 Reviews
I really am loving this! one thing though..can you please describe what the narrator looks like? owo
maybe in the next chapter ? :'3
Hey there! I am here to pay you back the reviews that your Deadbeat Santa failed to give you this christmas! I'm sorry! He probably got his sleigh caught on a chimney or something like that. In any case, I'm here to deliver your two reviews!
Thanks!
And what I have to say about this first chapter is: nice! I like the voice of your narrator. He's very confident and you work this introduction through at a nice pace. He gives us these big bits of information with a consistent tone and does a REALLY good job of mixing the big facts with the important details he'd notice. I love that you slowed down for the meteor scene and gave such poignant reactions from the people who watched it fall.
If I had to pick out something you could improve, it would be making sure you consider this character as a person with a real life. For example, in the moment where he mentions his new parents giving him everything he needs, he comes off feeling like you, the author, describing characters YOU don't really care about (the new parents) because maybe they're not important in your mind. But you maybe fail to realize they're his new care takers, and he'd definitely refer to them with more love than that. He'd probably use their names?
But, I am still so hooked on that lovely specific image of the three meteors and those three specific reactions you gave us, that I'm eagerly moving on to the next part.
PM me if you have any questions or comments about this review, and I'll see you at chapter two.
Nice job, I am totally interested. I'd like it if you described what the narrator looks like (I have a thing with knowing what the characters look like >.<), possibly in the second chapter? And I think, when Jason was describing his parents' murderer, you could've put in a little more detail there, too. Anyways, I liked it a lot.
In my head, I'm wondering, "Will that girl become important later on in the story? Who was she? Why are there meteorites falling? What will they destroy? Who exactly is the murderer? And *why* did he kill them?!"
Totally hooked. Totally.
-Wonder
Hey, there! I meant to review this a few days ago but didn't get the chance. So here I am, reviewing! Whelp, let's get the few remaining edits there are.
A little repetitive here, but not too noticeable. Consider changing the second to "but" instead.
I feel this sentence could be written better maybe like this:
Or split it into two sentences:
Also, remember the correct format for dialogue. Whenever there's a new speaker, be sure to begin a new paragraph. Even if the dialogue is only minor characters the dialogue should be set apart like this:
One more thing from the bold part of the quote. If you are expressing that the speaker is screaming to the heavens, wouldn't you want to show that through punctuation? Exclamation mark would be used there and put inside the quotation marks. (I know that's a minor typo)
The rest of the edits and nitpicks were covered by the other reviews, so I'll dedicate the rest to reviewing the story itself.
I haven't read something on this site recently that has intrigued me right off the bat. It is a peculiar story line to enter into: a mysterious murderous "burglar," the narrator walking through the daze, and then ending with meteors crashing to Earth. (Agh, I'm so glad you've posted Chapter Two or else I would be raving with anticipation.) I remember reading your other novel a little while ago and I thoroughly enjoyed the suspense you were able to drape throughout the story. I have a feeling this novel will be keeping me in suspense. Goodness, I get myself into too many suspenseful thins at once. Started with Divergent, lead to Doctor Who, in the meantime Orphan Black, and now this. (Thanks a lot XD)
Anyways. Back on subject. Your description was fantastic and drew me in more and more as I read through the chapter. Oh, I also thought the concluding statement was a fantastic way to keep the suspense:
On wards to Chapter Two!
-Jadefox
Hello, Sushi here!
It might just be me, but this line sounded a little weird. Normally when someone starts with a line like this they go on to say what was different about their life from what they just told you. Also when you use "the" it makes it sound like this hand is tangible and not a figure of speech.I liked how in the beginning you made Jason's parents' death seem like an afterthought, like Jason was reluctant to even mention it. The way you wrote it makes it easier for the reader to start understanding Jason and his feelings on the matter, it also gives them a small snippet on his current situation.
I am not quite sure about this, but I think that the "was" is supposed to be a "were". My reasoning is that "noises" is plural therefore "was" should be changed to it's plural "were". I am not quite sure about this so I would ask someone else just to double check.
So the bit following the comma should either start with a conjunction or another word that could let it stand alone, otherwise this sounds a little awkward when read aloud.
Sorry to be so nit picky but there's not much needed to be improved upon in your story. For this line I think that since the man killed both of his parents that the apostrophe should be after the "s" to show the pluralism.
I feel like a comma should go between "fathom" and "it" to create more of a dramatic pause, plus it seems to flow better when you read it aloud. Also, starting a sentence with a conjunction should be avoided.
The comma there keeps this from seeming like an ongoing thing and tiring out a reader with a short attention span. The "or" used here could also be seen as an indicator for when to use a comma because it's a conjunction. Not that all commas should go by all conjunctions, but this is a hint for finding where a comma could go.
Not sure that the word smashing fits all that well here. Smashing to me feels like more of a squishing, just more violent.
So in this sentence there should be a comma between panicked and obviously since the "obviously doesn't have to be there but it is. Read it aloud and it should also seem to flow better. The word highlighted in red needs to be different. The they isn't clarified whether it's the people or the meteors until later, and that's only if the reader has common sense, so you might wanna clarify that up a bit.
If this sentence is to start with "yet" then it needs to not be a sentence alone, "yet" is another one of those conjunctions so keep that in mind. Just remember FANBOYS. (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so)
Okay, for quotes they should be able to start a new paragraph if the person talking hasn't just spoken, so in...
... this should be the beginning of a new paragraph. As for punctuation in quotes, each should end with something, be it a comma or an exclamation mark. Then the following bit not in quotes would be capitalized or not depending on what was in the quotes.
I made this blue because it's like a double whammy. Starting a sentence with a conjunction is not suggested or recommended, but starting a paragraph with one is even worse. To keep this sentence the same you could just combine it with the before sentence of the other paragraph. This isn't really changing subjects so it doesn't have to be its own special paragraph.
A couple sentences before it was stated that she had screamed, so you might wanna add the word again so that this sentence feels like it has purpose.
Overall I really liked your story here and look forward to reading chapter two in a couple of minutes. The ending really gives the reader that feeling that this was only the beginning and that there is much more to come. Good luck and awesome writing!
Sushi
Hey Myst,
This is a really good start, and it seems quite interesting. This is good. I just want to point out some of the things that bothered me a little.
1) The boy's emotion. He narrates the story in a damn-care way, I don't know if it was intended or not. He describes his parent's murder with such ease as if he's telling someone an episode from a TV. The fact that the murderer was right there with a gun in his hand didn't seem serious enough. I felt it imperative that you put in a little bit more emotion in it to heighten the realism,that is if you were not intentionally doing that.
2) I kind of agree with HoplessAbandon in this issue, the adoption process isn't that fast, it does take time. Also, If there were meteors crashing onto the earth, we would know it beforehand. So if you explain why there was no prior warning, it might be more clearer.
3)
I think, It seems a bit odd for him to realize this fact a bit too late. Well, maybe he was too upset to think closely before. Anyway, a police investigation takes a lot of time and if the police says that it was a robbery, there had be something missing. So I'm thinking the police were in on it? Just a curious guess.
bottom line, this is a very good start and while you do have some typos, I'm sure reading through them once or twice will sort them out.
Keep writing,
Puck
Hi again! It's Twinkle. Wow, you've gotten amazingly good at this. I was too engrossed to have noticed when the little chapter ended. And I seriously want to read more. Who is this character, what's his name, what is this operation 16 about.
Here it was, going peacefully with a smooth, normal story line till you twisted it a bit and added the part about the person's parents being mysteriously murdered. I like the way you blended it in with a little bit background info, how the person's doing now, living a normal life but not feeling that alive anymore, like he used to.
After that, BAM! There come the meteors and I had to read a line or two more just to grasp the fact that actual meteors were falling. I thought you were using a metaphor or something. silly of me. =P And now I'm really into it. I love mystery novels just as much as I love action. And it seems to me that this one's got both.
It's been a while since I reviewed any of your work. I just happened to pass by and I haven't read the rest of the reviews you've gotten so... if I repeated a few things or this review wasn't necessary, just ignore those things.
Do wall post me when you write further. =) keep at it.
Hi there!
definitely let me know when the next chapter is up.
I'm so into this story right now. I didn't want to stop reading! I like the idea you've got going here. I personally would've liked to know more about the main character, but I know that you'll add that in later. The description of the meteors was good as well. I could feel the chaos and really imagine the whole scene playing out in my mind. And then it made me laugh cause I was reminded of this commercial I once saw where everyone is running away for a giant robot. Not exactly a meteor, but same situation really.
Whoa, I'm getting off topic. Anywho...
One thing I have to say about this though, is that th flashback is a little nonchalant. It obviously bothered your character and I think you should show that in the flashback. Really dig deep into your character's emotions.
Overall I think this is a good start. I'm not really sure where this is going, but I can't wait to see where it ends up
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hi! Here for a review! I'll just jump right in with a few nitpicks, then finish up with overall comments.
This is kind of an awkward sentence. I would advise restructuring it a little. Also, what are the deeper insights you wish to draw from the audience? Do you want your character to earn more respect from the reader, or some other kind of emotion?
Comma after the last parenthesis, and since you start the sentence with "on the one hand" you should continue with " and on the other" after you talk about swimming, else the expression just doesn't sound complete.
Comma after "existence"
Comma after "fathom"
An overall comment about the fact that the character meets his adoptive parents a week after his die... This is a little convenient. In reality, your character would have been put in an orphanage, where he would wait for a family who came to foster him. Or, he would have been put into the foster system, where he would live with a family for a while, and if they decided they like him, they'd then adopt him. If they didn't appreciate, for example, his attitude or something, he would be sent to another home, or a facility.
Also, you have a tendency to tell the story, instead of showing it. Add more description in when you describe your character walking in on his dead parents, more of how he felt, if there was blood, how the man made him angry etc. I know I always got angry when people told me this "show, don't tell," because I had no idea what they meant, but I hope this helps a teeny bit. I don't know how else to describe it other than to say more detail, make the reader feel as if they are actually there with the character.
And the meteors, wouldn't there have been some kind of news broadcast, something to warm people that they were coming? If not, you might want to explain why.
Lastly, try not to repeat the same word, or similar words, in one sentence, or even two sentences. It can sound redundant. There are a bunch of synonyms that would work, and would spice up those sentences where you repeat things, such when you repeat "screaming" in the third to last paragraph. Thesaurus.com is my best friend when I'm writing, so when you go back and edit, I would suggest keeping your eye out for these, and changing them.
Overall, you spiked my interest. I'm intrigued as to what this Jason character is going to do next, now that he knows a little more about his parent's killer.
Let me know if you have any questions, or if you post a new part and would like me to review it!
~*Hope
Hey mystogan,
I haven’t done this for a while so sorry if it all comes out a bit scrambled; I hope it helps, anyway.
I’m here with a review for you.
Okay, so firstly here are my overall thoughts about this: there are certainly some interesting ideas here, but they need work. I found it interesting reading about Jason’s emotions about his parents’ death, and his feelings of numbness, and the way the sight of the meteors metaphorically “woke him up.” I’m assuming this is just the beginning of a story as it’s posted in the Novel/Chapter section; I’d be interested to see where it goes next! On the other hand, there are a few things that I noticed about this that I really think could be improved on to make this more effective as an opening.
Firstly, the beginning sentence – “My birth name is Jason Marco.” While the next part is a little more interesting, I still can’t really say that the opening drew me in. In reviews people often mention the benefits of showing rather than telling – for example, instead of simply stating the events that happened, actually writing a scene that really shows the reader what happens, almost making them feel as if they’re there. To me the parts where you did this were the most interesting, while I wanted to skip past the bits where you just stated the events. Opening lines can also be quite important...so many stories start by stating the main character’s name that it bores me. Maybe you could start with something a little more interesting.
Overall, this chapter gives the reader a good idea of the events that have happened, but there are some pretty dramatic events in there – why not use them to draw the reader in and make them feel for the characters rather than just bluntly telling them what has happened?
Also, this might have been what you were aiming for, or a part of the character’s personality, but some of the events here are stated so casually that it doesn’t really have any effect on me as a reader –
Maybe you could expand on that, describe the scene in a little more detail, or at least show some more of the character’s feelings about the situation?
There were also a few phrases which I didn’t totally understand. For instance, the last sentence...what does Jason mean by saying he was once again “looking at the world”, exactly? Taking notice of the things around him, or viewing things in a particular way? What deeper insight does he want from the reader? Why would it take Jason so long to realise the murderer was not a thief?
Having said all that, there are some interesting ideas here and I hope that you carry on writing. I like the description of the meteors, and the fact that as an opening it leaves me with lots of questions in my mind – why did the police lie to Jason? Who was the murderer?
I hope that this review helps with editing and improving things!
~Niebla