(I KNOW I SAID THE FORMAT WAS MESSED UP AND IT WAS. BUT I LOGGED IN USING GOOGLE CHROME AND EVERYTHING WAS FINE SO I RE-UPLOADED EVERYTHING. THE FORMAT IS FINE NOW. THE FIRST TWO REVIEWS WERE DONE WHEN THE FORMAT WAS STILL MESSED UP THOUGH.)
“But he is still a child. Surely they realise he won’t be ready for this.” said my mother.
“Considering his well-being is no longer of any concern to the world governments. Today’s attack has put everyone on red alert. You were only supposed to act as his adoptive mother, not become his real one….not that you could even if you wanted to. Don’t get too attached. The army is already here keeping the entire city in silence. They have also sealed off all routes to the forest. I believe in the morning, some officials will come to take him away.” chided John in a superior tone.
I waited for some sort of back talk from my so-called adoptive parents, but none came. Huh, was that it? Some snob turns up and tells them to give me away and they have nothing to say. Well, why would they? From what I could gather, they were agents working for the government, whose mission was to look after me.
Just then I realised what had happened earlier- the reason why the entire street had acted weirdly. They must have all been agents as well. It would make sense, since this so-called Operation 16 was a worldwide effort. To make an entire street full of agents would not be too farfetched for an operation of this scale.
At that point I stopped eavesdropping on their conversation and got out of my bed. I decided I couldn’t stay there any longer. I had to run away. I pulled out my hiking bag and began packing my essential things. I threw in a few clothes to change, as many snacks as I could find lying around my room, a photo frame of my real parents, a pen my dad had given me, my real dad that is. I grabbed as much cash as I could find in my room as well.
With that I opened my window just as I had on the morning of that fateful day. It seemed like years ago. I climbed out and left, never once looking back. I was not sad or heart broken. In fact I felt the opposite. I felt free and happy. For some reason running away from this house made me feel excited in an unnatural way, as if I was born to do this. As if I was a caged animal breaking free before being slaughtered. True, I had no idea where to go but I had to get out.
Once out on the streets I quickly got into the cover of the nearby bushes. The people around me weren’t trust worthy after all. You never know when one of them might be pretending to sleep walk and then actually be patrolling the place.
It was strange, I had run away without a clue as to where I was going, nor did I have anyone to go to and yet I didn’t feel the slightest bit worried. I had not loved my adoptive parents enough to actually be upset when I found out about their betrayal.
Never mind how I felt, I had to think about what would happen when the government found out I had escaped their clutches. To make matters worse the army was supposed to be here. As soon as they find out I am on the loose they are sure to start searching intently for me.
I needed a disguise. Costumes wouldn’t work, since they will probably be too obvious. So I went to the local pharmacy and bought a hair dye. I made sure to cover my face with a hoody. The moment they start searching for me, they will end up getting access to CCTV which would just show up my plan. I picked a dark brown hair dye since that would easily cover up my blonde curly hair. I also bought some foundation and a few other things.
I went into a public toilet and began my operation. I called it operation ‘screw the government for trying to trick me’. I carefully applied the foundation onto my pale skin. It gave me a cocoa tan complexion. That coupled with my now brown hair gave me a distinctly different appearance.
But it was not enough. I took out the hair straightener that I had also bought and began destroying my curls. The straightener would only work for a limited time since it ran on batteries and I had only a limited supply of those. I also put on green contact lenses to cover up my sapphire blue eyes. With that I had changed in appearance enough to not be spotted by the army and be of suspicion.
Now I had to figure out what to do next. With all the excitement of getting away I hadn’t really thought up of what to do next. This whole mess had started, or more like, had been revealed when the three meteors came down. The government had gone to great lengths to keep me in the dark about those.
The meteors were being securely guarded. However, the only way I was going to get any truths out of this was to go to the meteors. Just looking at them did that weird thing with my vision and it apparently forced the government to resume some operation. I going there would be the only way to clarify what was really going on.
Onwards to the meteors I went, oblivious to the shocking truth that awaited me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Hey there,
Here I am! Wow, it took me a long time to untangle myself from life and return to reviewing. So hello and I'm reviewing what I should have done back in June?
To start off with, I still think you're going strong with the story. However I think I would call this more of a 'connecting' or 'pausing chapter because you slowed down the plot line and development. The story went from a tragedy leaving Jason an orphan to sudden and bizarre events that rock his world. For a reader this can be a lot to take in and as writers we have to know when to allow the reader to catch their breath from chapter. For instance in Harry Potter the last book isn't just the epic battle but a pause in the storyline, a camping trip with slower developments. After a long-winded explanation of what this chapter is I am actually going to review the chapter now.
I believed you placed this pause chapter well enough and allowed readers to gather their thoughts. However, I feel that it requires more details and thoughts from Jason. Some other reviews below have already mentioned this, some more harshly than others, but I'll give you my opinion about it. I don't think you should lavishly insert sentimental views from Jason on his departure, but maybe write about a recollected memory of his adoptive parents to compare to their sudden change of character. I'm curious to know how his adoptive parents acted before the meteors. Did they hint at the possibility of Operation 16 taking place or did they act kindly towards him with all the love a parent would have?
I have one nitpick/suggestion:
I don't think the last part is completely necessary and it might read better this way:
All in all, you still keep me captivated and I will be readily moving on to the next chapters. If you have any questions just let me know!
Hey mystogan!
Sorry for the late review – I’ve had exams which are finished now and I’ve only just got round to looking at this, but I hope this helps anyway. I’m glad you managed to fix the format!
Firstly, I do like this chapter, and I’m still really interested to see where this story goes next. I’m just going to point out anything that didn’t seem quite right to me as I’m reading – maybe others won’t agree but I hope it helps with at least some things.
On the other hand, not much really seems to happen in this chapter. Or, at least, you don’t go into much depth about the things that do happen. So some of this seemed quite rushed and I wish you would have slowed down and gone into more detail. For instance, at the beginning of the chapter when Jason is listening to his parents talk to the strangers, and then he realises what has happened – it was kind of lacking. What was Jason’s reaction to the realisation? Didn’t it bother him at all – did it give him a shock, or did he just feel numb, or panic, or even get excited (as he says he felt free when he left through the window)?
It also seems a bit strange how he immediately knows what to do (in terms of things like the disguise) and is so calm about it all. Maybe you could just go into a bit more detail as to how these things actually occurred to him. I guess what’s bothering me most about this section is that there’s so little emotion in it. You tell me as the reader what Jason’s doing – disguising himself, and running away – but you don’t tell me much about what he’s feeling or what’s going through his mind. By that I don’t really mean writing things like “I felt excited” but more showing us how Jason’s doing things – is he shaking, or is his heart pounding, or is he surprised at his own sense of calm and control?
Again, the realisation he has at the end about the meteors seems very flat. Is he not surprised at all? Most people would be, to find out that everyone around them was a part of a secret operation which they were the centre of. Does he feel confusion, or uncertainty, or wonder if he’s dreaming or going mad – or does he feel like he knew it all along? How did he get the idea to go and look at the meteors? Does it fill him with excitement or dread? All these questions are just ideas and things that popped into my mind while I was reading, so I might be completely wrong: you know Jason better than I do.
I think that’s everything, really. This chapter could be really good if you went into more depth, added more detail, and showed the reader more about Jason. I hope this review helps – I look forward to reading the next chapter!
~Niebla
It is a pretty good story but I do have some comments there was not much sequence it seemed sorta mixed up and there were many grammar mistakes it was confusing at times but overall it was a great story
Hi! You asked me for a review a while ago, I'm sorry its taken me so long to get back to you!
A lot of stuff has already been said, but I've got a couple additional comments.
This isn't a fragmented sentence, but I read it like it was supposed to continue, if you know what I mean. After I went back, I realized what you meant. Maybe its just me, but I feel like you should change this a bit to make sure this same mistake isn't made again.
Comma after go
How does he all of a sudden know this? Is it his experience to sneak out often, or he just knows their a nosy neighborhood?
Don't switch to present tense here.
Alright, just a quick overall comment... How does this main character know that the government wants to do him any harm? I mean, I understand he's freaked out and confused, and that his adopted mom said he might get hurt, but that could just mean he could get hurt if he did the wrong thing, didn't listen to the rules etc. I thought it was just kind of sudden how he decides to go on the run.
Pretty good so far! I'm intrigued to know what's going on with the meteors!
~*Hope
Hi there Myst. Guess what??? This is my 500th review!!!!!!
Just had to share that. Anyway...
I really like this chapter. It's a good continuation of the story. It's one of those low energy, low action chapters that come after a high energy, high action and. I call it the chill chapter. Yes, I actually have a name for it. Lame, huh? But getting back to my point, these kind of chapters are great for advancing the story. The reader always needs a break from the action to get a good understanding as towhat is going on. And you did a good job with that.
I find it kind of hard to believe that he left without any regrets though. Isn't there something that he would miss once he left? Maybe a friend or a neighbor? The dog next door? His room? There's gotta be something.
Overall this is a good chapter. You're advancing the plot which is good. Nobody likes reading a book where the plot goes absolutely nowhere. And you're character is being developed well also. I hate when everything is thrown at me at once, it overwhelms me. So keep up the pace of revealing stuff about your character one bit at a time. I can't wait to read the next chapter!
Ugh, that review could've been better. My apologies.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
it's great that this was your 500th review, and that's an amazing amount of reviews
Hey, sorry for the late review. I was out of town the previous day. So, back to the story, I like where this is going. You are keeping up with the suspense and now things are slowly making sense to me. The thing I liked most here was how you were able to describe his appearance by making him change it. Usually people just describe it simply but you were doing it in a clever way. And trying to imagine how much different he would look after the hair and lense, I actually remember his appearance now. One thing that I still feel confused about is the last line. what is that obvious truth? I'm not saying that it's an incorrect line, it's actually a very good cliff hanger. It left me wondering again.
Overall, I really liked it. Couldn't really find anything wrong with it. Keep up the good work.
Hallo! Sushi here roarin' to review ;D
Thought that you might want to see how many sentences you started with "I" in a row.I must say that your plot it very interesting and the cliffhangers are well written. Your descriptions are also shown very nicely in this story, but there were some slight little bits that felt a little awkward to read.
I think that "trust worthy" us really one word.
This sentence could actually be blended into the other sentence and make a little more sense grammatically. Also to say "bought a hair dye" seems slightly awkward. I shall leave that up to you though.
Show up doesn't really seem like the right phrase to use. That's just my opinion though.
You used "I" to start a lot of your sentences here too. When this happens it just sounds like you're listing things and like it really isn't a story being told.
Overall awesome job, and it stinks that the copying and pasting didn't turn out right. Good luck next time and I can't wait for the next chapter!
Sushi
Very nice, Mystogan.
Good job!
)
What happens next?! I'm dying to find out!! D:
Apart from the formatting (but that's okay :]) I don't see anything wrong with this. You used 'I' a lot to start you're sentences, but that's about it. Try merging some of the sentences, but be careful not to create run-ons (though I doubt that will be a problem). I'm glad you described the narrator (to tell you the truth, I didn't expect you to describe him that way. Cool beans, though.
And what is CCTV? Sorry, I'm just clueless sometimes about things...
Anyways, I really like it!
Thanks for sharing with us this chapter!
- Wonder