18+ Language Violence

Prophecy of Thieves [chapter 10]

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.

“Yeah, no thanks. I’d rather live,” Ren said, pulling his horse away from the swaying bridge that linked the two cliffs. With the wind billowing from the ravine, it rocked precariously, creaking and groaning despite the lack of weight upon its wooden platforms.

“It’s the only way across,” Rieka said, urging her horse closer. “Are you scared?”

“If it means not having to cross that thing, then yes.” Gods, of course he was scared. Anyone in their right mind would be.

An image of him screaming atop his horse’s back as they plummeted to their death flashed through his mind. Yeah, no. Ren liked living very much.

“Are you sure it is the only way across?” the prince’s voice cut through the whistling wind. Despite his quiet and gentle tone, an edge of hysteria clung to his words. Ren glanced back to find the prince staring down the ravine, his red hair whipping about his long, pale face.

“The only way,” Rieka confirmed. “It keeps the Arlanian army from attempting to invade.”

“Paranoid, you Styrkish,” Ren muttered.

“Smart. Strategic,” she amended.

Ren rolled his eyes. Another image flashed through his mind. This time, he was halfway across the thin bridge and Rieka was cutting the ropes on the other side. He gulped.

“Fine, you cowards,” Rieka announced, dismounting her horse. “I’ll go first.”

She grabbed the reins and pulled her horse forward. Reflecting Ren’s anxiety, the steed shifted uncomfortably and refused to budge. “Come on, you cowardly beast!” Rieka hissed. The horse took a tentative step onto the wooden planks. They groaned under the weight but held.

The sun, which had sunk to lay between the two crevices of the ravine, cast a red light over Rieka and her horse as they began the trek across the bridge. Ren sincerely hoped they found a tavern after crossing into Styrka—if they lived, that was. Out upon the mountain, blanketed in darkness… A chill slithered down Ren’s spine at the prospect.

Turning back to Rieka, he noticed she was already halfway across. He watched in mute horror as the bridge swayed beneath the weight, the wind whipping Rieka’s blonde braid about her head.

And then she was across. Despite his dislike for her, Ren joined in the chorus of relieved sighs. Rieka pulled her horse across the small clearing and waved a hand at them, her pale face an indistinct blur. “Come on!” she shouted, her voice nearly lost in the wind.

Ren turned to the others and grinned. “Who’s next?”

Kai gave him a knowing look, but fortunately led his horse towards the bridge before anyone was subjected to volunteer. Once he, too, made it to the other side, Ren was beginning to feel slightly more confident. An emphasis on the ‘slightly’.

Zain volunteered next, not bothering to say a word. He seemed wholly undisturbed as he urged his horse onto the rickety planks. Whether or not it was an act, Ren didn’t know. What he did know was that the man scared the living shit out of him. Not only was the scar gruesome as hell, but a cloak of shadows seemed to press upon him. No, not shadows. Death.

Blacksmith apprentice, my ass, Ren thought. He didn’t know what Zain was, but that wasn’t it.

Amani went next, followed by her sister. Soon, only the prince and Ren were left in Arlan.

Ren gave the prince a winning smile, drawing scarlet to his cheeks. “You first, Your Highness,” he said with a flourish of his hand. The prince blushed further, straightening the lapels of his coat.

Ren told himself he was being chivalrous. Formal. Respectful to a member of the royal family. Peering down the cliff at the thin river far below, the blood rushed from Ren’s face. Yes, he was most definitely not postponing the cross.

The prince cleared his throat and looked across the bridge.

“We don’t have all day!” Rieka called.

Ren gave the prince an encouraging smile and the prince returned it with a grimace. With a sigh, he led his horse forward, his hair flickering like a live flame in the wind.

The minute the prince set foot upon the bridge, Ren felt a chill slither down his back. His skin prickled, and he glanced over his shoulder, finding nothing but shadows and pine trees. Ren's hands began to tremble and he tapped his fingers against his thighs to calm them.

When the prince was halfway across the bridge, howls broke through the air. Growls of wolves coming from directly behind him.

“Shit, shit, shit,” Ren muttered, his eyes darting between the woods and the bridge. If the prince had heard the wolves, he made no move to pick up his pace. “Hurry up, prince!” Ren shouted towards him, trying to keep his voice light and unbothered. It came out as a panicked squeak.

The snarls grew louder at his back and Ren stared behind him, trying to catch a glimpse of their yellow eyes in the shadows. What the hell am I doing? Ren shook his head and mounted his horse. He was far better off running from the growls than waiting to see their source.

The prince was still not fully across the bridge, but Ren could no longer wait. He kicked his horse into gear, a large variety of curses spilling from his lips as the hooves hit the weak planks. The bridge rocked from the sudden weight, and he clung to the saddle, too frightened to even scream.

Ren didn’t like horses. Up until a few minutes ago, the prospect of dragging the odorous beast across a weak bridge was the most terrifying moment of his life. And now, he sat atop the stupid animal, a pack of wolves on his tail. If the gods were real, they truly did despise him.

His hands began to slide against the saddle, slick with sweat. Ren shot a glance over his shoulder, then immediately regretted doing so. The wolves were on the bridge in all their snarling glory.

“Run faster, you useless beast!” Ren screamed, his voice carried away in a gust that trembled his bones. His horse didn’t listen, continuing at a controlled trot, its chest heaving against his thighs.

Against his better judgment, Ren glanced back once more. One of the wolves was right on his horse’s heels, hackles raised and lips pulled back over vicious teeth. It lunged, catching a clump of the horse’s tail and tearing it away. His horse screeched sharply and sprinted for the cliff.

When Ren turned back to where safety awaited, he saw Kai’s sword posed over the ropes holding the bridge. On the opposite side was Rieka, already sawing at the ropes with a… steak knife?

His vision was coming true. Rieka was going to cut the ropes of the bridge and they would all laugh as he plummeted to his death.

But then his horse’s hooves were upon solid ground and Ren heard the snap of ropes as the bridge was cut. He immediately slid from the saddle, needing to feel the earth beneath his feet to reassure him that he was, in fact, alive.

“Stop!” Rieka called. Ren turned towards her, opening his mouth to deliver the worst curses he could muster, when something slammed into his chest. Ren was knocked flat on his back, the air rushing from his lungs. His eyes widened as they stared up into amber irises and yellowed fangs. Its hot breath reeked of carrion—a smell his flesh would only add to.

Ren clenched his eyes, awaiting the killing blow. Time seemed to slow as the fangs neared his throat. Whenever Ren had imagined death, he had pictured some existential epiphany overcoming him. Perhaps an answer to questions he’d always had.

Instead, his mind was blank.

Then the wolf collapsed against Ren’s chest, slamming the last of his breath from his lungs.

He was dead. He had to be. The world was dark and muddled, and it stank of mildew and blood. He had always known death wouldn’t be peaceful for him—not with his long list of punishable affairs—but he had also expected pain, and all he felt was discomfort. And… fur in his mouth?

The weight pressing upon his chest disappeared, and Ren opened his eyes to find Rieka shoving the limp beast off his form. He stared at the deepening blue sky in panicked wonder. He was alive. He was alive. It was a silent mantra in his head.

Once he gained control of his breaths, Ren ran a hand over his chest, searching for a hidden wound. When he was assured he was in one piece, he sat up, the world wavering.

“I was going to die,” he murmured.

“Unfortunately, you get to annoy us for another day yet,” Rieka said, holding out a hand.

Ren glanced at it, then at her grim expression, her lips pulled back in what he supposed was meant to be a smile. He grasped her palm, his fingers shaking.

Once he was on his feet, he felt himself begin to sway. “Woah there,” Rieka muttered, placing her palm upon his shoulder to steady him.

Ren glanced sideways at the wolf. Its amber eyes were open and cold, blood pooling from beneath its massive body. Kai stood beside it, his sword stained red. His eyes were wide and unmoving from the beast.

As the adrenaline began to fade, Ren’s breathing grew shallow. The sweat upon his palms and back grew cold on his clammy skin. “I was going to die,” he repeated. Rieka had yet to release his shoulders, a fact of which Ren was glad. If she had released him, he was sure to topple over.

“You are alive,” Amani said, stepping towards him. Her arm was wrapped around her sister protectively. Amani reached out a comforting hand, her skin warm even through the layers of his coat.

“Unfortunately,” Reika muttered.

“Fuck!” Ren barked. He couldn’t get over it. The fact that he had almost died.

“Amani always says that I shouldn’t say that word,” Shadya said. “So, neither should you.”

Ren ignored her, brushing off Rieka’s hands and stumbling to the edge of the cliff. He was sure to keep a safe distance and stared down into the ravine. He could only make out small blurs where the wolves had landed below. On the opposing mountain, the bridge now swayed, bumping against the rock cliffs.

“Now there’s no way across,” he commented, his voice shaky.

What if he hadn’t urged his horse to cross when he had? What if he had waited for a split second longer? What if—

“There’s another bridge a few leagues from here,” Rieka said off-handedly. “A bigger, more fortified one.”

Ren paused, a thick silence falling over them. “What?!” he, Kai, and Ambrose all chorused.

Rieka shrugged. “If I had told you that from the start, you cowards would’ve refused to use the shortcut. Getting to the other bridge would’ve taken another day, at least. Not to mention the guards we would’ve had to avoid. This was just… easier.”

“Easier?!” Ren shouted. “I almost died! A wolf was on top of me!”

“But, here you are. Alive. And now we are in Styrka.”

Ren’s jaw hung open in outrage. So he had just risked his life for no reason? None at all. There had been another, safer bridge the entire time.

A single, deep laugh broke the air, cutting through the whistling wind like a knife. Everyone whipped towards the source.

Zain’s scar was stretched across his cheek grotesquely as he grinned. “The Styrkish girl has a point.”

Ren’s jaw had yet to shut, though now it hung open for another reason. Smiling Zain was just as frightening as scowling Zain.

“I’m glad you approve,” Rieka said. She seemed just as unnerved as Ren. “We should either stop for the night or continue before the sun fully sets.”

Indeed, Ren glanced towards the sun, which had sunk low, its rays peeking from between the crevices of the ravine.

“Is there a town nearby?” Kai asked the prince.

The prince didn’t have to consult his map before shaking his head. “A day's trip at most.”

“Shit,” Ren muttered. “So we have to sleep out here? With the dead wolf?” He attempted a teasing voice with his latter sentence, but it came out dry. He didn’t enjoy the outdoors. It was too dirty and too empty. There were no people to steal from and no alleys to hide in. While he had managed their travel over roads well enough, the prospect of sleeping on the hard ground was disconcerting.

“He can be your cuddle-buddy,” Rieka crooned, nudging the beast with her toe. Ren cringed.

“We are not sleeping with the wolf,” Kai said, his voice hard. “I’m sure we can find some sort of cave to shelter in.”

“Loads of beasts use caves as their shelter. You’d be a fool to set up camp there,” Rieka argued.

“So what do you suggest? We camp out in the open?”

“Of course not. Just follow me.”

They should not have followed Rieka, Ren decided. An hour after trailing her, the sun had long since sunk beneath the horizon, leaving them in darkness. While the stars and moon were bright, casting the pine forests in a silver glow, it made the mountainous trek no less dangerous. Already, Ren’s horse had lost its footing along the loose pebbles of a small cliff before scrambling to catch itself. The screech that had issued from Ren’s mouth was no less than mortifying.

The longer they hiked, the colder it became. The sweat that had earlier coated Ren’s back had long since dried, chilling his bones to their core. Despite his thick coat, the wind swept through the cloth, stabbing his skin.

Finally, when his teeth were chattering and even Shadya had begun to whine, Rieka dismounted her horse. She placed her hands upon her hips, staring at the clearing proudly. Ren followed suit, peering through the dark. Either Rieka had lost her eyesight, or the clearing was truly no different than the one they had passed mere minutes ago. He turned towards her to call out her obvious misjudgment, only to find her smiling. “This is perfect.”

Ren grimaced, his eyes darting to the others, but unlike him, they didn’t watch her with doubt. In fact, the prince nodded, dismounting. “We will set up camp here, then begin our trek in the morning.”

The longer their journey progressed, the more surprises the prince revealed. If anyone from their group were to understand his apprehensions of the open outdoors, it was the prince. Raised inside opulent walls, he had never experienced a life of poverty. Of discomfort. Yet he began rifling through his saddle bag, pulling out his bedroll as though the earlier incident with the wolves had happened days ago.

Frankly, Ren felt betrayed.

As everyone sprung into action, Ren had no choice but to set aside his trepidation. He couldn’t be the one to appear anxious. That was the prince’s job.

Ren set about his duties silently. He unsaddled his horse and brushed it down, feeding it a spare apple. He often tried to avoid putting his hands anywhere near the beast’s teeth, but he felt a glimmer of gratitude for the horse. It had partially saved his life, after all.

After finishing watering his horse and himself, he unraveled his bed roll and sat upon it, watching as Rieka bent over a meager pile of twigs and attempted to light a fire. “All these supplies and you didn’t think to pack a fire starter?” she complained, shooting the prince a look.

Even in the dark, Ren noticed the reddening of his cheeks. “I hadn’t thought of it.”

“Clearly,” Rieka muttered. She was in the process of rubbing two sticks together. Nothing happened.

Ren wrapped a blanket around himself and glanced up at the stars. They were far more visible in the mountains than they ever were in Reindale. The sky was lit up in an array of sparkles—a whole other world.

He began gnawing on a strip of dried meat the prince had packed, and glanced back at Rieka. “Hurry up with that fire,” he murmured, drawing the blanket tighter under his chin. “I’m freezing.”

Rieka shot him a glare sharp enough to kill. “If you are so impatient, do it yourself!”

“No thanks. I don’t do manual labor.”

Rieka lifted her arm to throw the sticks at him, but he was thankfully saved when Zain took the branches from her hand and began the process anew.

An hour later—or at least, it had felt like an hour—there was still no fire. Despite the coat and blanket, Ren was shivering as the night air grew crisper. Poor, little Shadya was shaking like a leaf, bundled in her sister’s arms.

Zain hadn’t been able to start the fire any better than Rieka had, much to their disappointment. After several minutes of his attempts, Rieka had snatched the sticks back and tried again. And here they were. Freezing and fireless.

“Maybe if you sing to it, it will start,” Ren offered when Rieka bent to blow on the small pile of sticks that looked as cold as he was. She shot him a glare and didn’t deign to respond.

“Yes!”

They all turned to Rieka as smoke began to rise from her pile of sticks. Then… a flicker of orange.

Ren whooped his victory to the skies.

Within minutes, the fire had grown to the size of a small bonfire. Ren scooted closer to the flames, holding out his hands to soak up its warmth. “I take back all the terrible things I said about you, Rieka,” he murmured, his eyes drooping.

“So you take back everything you’ve said about me?”

A grin pulled at his lips. “You know me so well.”

She grunted, but when he glanced towards her, pride shined in her eyes.

Howls sounded in the far distance and Ren stiffened. “Don’t worry, thief,” Rieka crooned, poking at the sticks to allow for more air beneath the flame. “They’re far from here.”

“We also didn’t know they were following us when one almost killed me,” he reminded her.

“You’re still alive, aren’t you?”

“A wolf was on top of me. I could smell it’s breath.” He shuddered just thinking about it.

“I bet it smelled better than your own.”

“Screw you,” Ren spat, throwing a few pebbles at her. She chuckled at her own joke. “If anything, I initially thought you had tackled me from the absolute stench.”

“Cheat shot. You just stole my joke.”

“Did not!”

“Gods above,” Kai cut in, his harsh features shadowed from the fire. “You are behaving like children.”

“Can children do this?” Ren made a vulgar gesture.

“Ren, there are children here,” Amani reminded him, though Shadya seemed oblivious as to what his gesture had meant.

He shrugged, leaning back on his bed roll. When he met Shadya’s eyes, he grinned. “Do you like to be treated as a child?”

She scowled and shook her head.

“Exactly. That’s what I thought.”

“If anyone deserves to be treated like a child, it’s you,” Rieka told him.

He placed a hand to his chest in mock pain. “You wound me.”

“If you all stopped talking, we could sleep,” Zain muttered from his bedroll, his arm thrown over his eyes.

“I’ve been told my voice serenades even the most reluctant to sleep,” Ren informed them, taking special care to wiggle his brows in the prince’s direction. His pale cheeks turned red, much to Ren’s satisfaction.

“Who told you that? Someone deaf?” Shadya said.

Silence. Rieka burst into uncontrolled laughter, clutching her sides as she heaved. Even Kai’s harsh lips drew into a tentative smile.

“Yeah, yeah. Laugh at my expense,” Ren said. But he was smiling too.

“I knew I liked you for some reason,” Rieka told Shadya once she had gained control of herself. Shadya didn’t smile, instead glaring in return. Her eyes looked frighteningly red under the firelight.

“We should all sleep,” Amani said, giving a pointed look to her little sister.

“What do you mean! We are all gathered around a fire!” All eyes turned warily to Ren. “This is the perfect time for some team bonding. We can all share stories and become the bestest of friends.” Each and every face stared at him with arched brows and doubtful eyes. “Okay, maybe not the bestest of friends,” Ren amended. “But you have to admit this constant silence is growing rather depressing. If a wolf doesn’t end up killing me, absolute boredom will.”

It was partially true. While their silent travels had grown wearisome, Ren wasn’t ready to sleep. Even with Kai’s volunteer to keep watch, he didn’t think he could close his eyes without seeing the wolf above him. Without seeing the wide variety of future dangers ahead.

Whether or not she was taking pity on him, Amani said, “I agree with Ren. It would do us well to become better acquainted.” At her words, Ren noticed a glance Zain sent her way.

“Thank you, wise madame,” Ren said, bowing his head to Amani. She nodded in return.

Rieka snorted at Ren’s words. “Wise, my ass,” she muttered under her breath.

Ren felt a spark of anger ignite in his stomach. “I think you, Rieka darling, should be the first to go. As an occupational fighter, I suppose you must have many stories to tell. Such as the times you were wounded so badly, you were hardly recognizable. I would love to hear about those.”

“I will wound you so badly, you won’t be recognizable,” Rieka threatened, her face twisting in anger.

Ren placed his hands upon his cheeks. “You mustn’t! You would be doing the world a disservice by taking away this beauty.”

“Disservice my ass—”

“And we’re back,” Kai muttered, scrubbing a hand over his face.

Ren turned to Kai. “How about you, bastard guard?” Kai flinched at the words. “Any stories to tell?”

“No,” he responded curtly.

Ren sighed dramatically. “No fun. Well, if no one wants to share, I can start.” Ren cleared his throat and flourished his hands. “It was a late, summer evening…”

“Stars, here we go,” Rieka muttered.

Ren cut her a sharp glance. “I’d prefer no interruptions, thank you. I will take questions at the end.” Clearing his throat once more, he began anew. “It was a late, summer evening, and I was starving and piss-poor. Unfortunately, I had yet to realize my natural gifts of stealing and had resulted in some menial begging. Hard times, I know, but I’ve moved past that. Anyway, I was famished and in dire need of a chocolate tart when the perfect opportunity arose.”

Rieka rolled her eyes from where she sat, but Shadya leaned forward with eager fascination. Even the prince was watching, his interest fixed on Ren. With a small grin, he continued. “This magical bakery had left its back door open. Just a smidge, but I was small enough to squeeze through.

“If the heavens had a scent, it would be this bakery. It smelled of yeast, sugar, melted chocolate, fresh strawberries, candied fruits, flaky pastries—”

“Do you have a point, or are you just trying to make me hungry?” Rieka interrupted.

Ren scowled. “I said no interruptions.” With a sigh, he continued. “And as though the gods had been smiling upon me, a full, chocolate tart was set upon the large counter. Naturally, I began eating it. And let me tell you, it was by far the most delicious tart I have ever eaten.

“Unfortunately, the baker bustled in when I was just beginning on my second piece. He, apparently, didn’t possess a generous spirit and attempted to hit me with his broom. So I took the rest of the tart and ran. It was my first theft and by far my sweetest.” Ren winked at Shadya, who continued to listen with rapt attention.

When he didn’t continue, Rieka crossed her arms over her chest. “That’s it?”

“What? That’s a wonderful story.”

“Oh please. That’s the story of a bad theft that you somehow managed to get away with.”

“So I suppose you have better stories to regale us with?” Ren asked, smirking. The prince’s eyes were wide—likely with discomfort at having been surrounded by liars and criminals. Rieka took up Ren’s challenge and began telling a story of her own.

And so they began regaling each other in tales of their crimes—though Rieka and Ren seemed to be the only ones to contribute. Rieka recited her first encounter with a dragon—which, disappointingly, had been only a sighting from her bedroom window. Ren made sure she knew just how lame the story was. Amani didn’t say much of anything, but combed through her sister’s hair and watched with absent attention. Shadya was the best audience of the lot, pestering them with questions and demanding more adventure.

When his mouth was dry from talking and his eyes began to droop, the prince announced they needed rest for the following trek. After more sticks were piled upon the fire, Ren was comfortably warm upon his bedroll, his back to the flames. He kept his eyes upon the sky, clear between the pines. The stars filled the darkness to the brim, not allowing for any empty space between them. In Reindale, the stars had only been one color, but here, they were a mirage of gold, silver, blue, and even pink.

Since the bridge—hell, since they had entered Arlan’s northern mountains—Ren had found little beauty among the thick pine forests. Each twist and turn had been the same scenery—the same drab boulders and green trees. Yet the sky was another world. One he found himself appreciating.

And when his eyes grew too heavy to watch it any longer, he found sleep came easily. No yellowed fangs in sight. 

Comments & reviews · 4
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Hi mordax,

Mailice again here with a short review! :D

The first half of the chapter could be summed up as a panicked family outing where siblings Ren and Rieka want to humiliate each other. :D I liked this beginning and the development, how everyone in turn crossed the bridge and Ren, as the last one, almost died. I have to say that again! :D It gives the characters so much more depth when scenes like that are there, as it shows that they're not just ink and paper (or bits in this case), but living, breathing creatures. (But he almost died! :D)

I found the main focus so far to be on the four characters Ren, Rieka, Kai and Ambrose and think the story will still unfold around Amani, her sister and Zain as the story goes in. At least for now, they still seem a bit in the background.

They did have a little more screentime towards the end at the campfire, but continued to find that Ren and Rieka were the focus here. Since this is not a real criticism, as I haven't read the next chapters yet, I'll hold back here and focus more on the conversation at the end.

I liked that scene. She really gave of herself what she was supposed to and I was actually on fire by the time they found their night's lodging to share something about themselves to get to know each other better. But at the same time I wonder what they did all those nights / evenings when they travelled? Did they go straight to bed because they were exhausted, or did they bicker like little children?

Some other points I found while reading:

Gods, of course he was scared. Anyone in their right mind would be.

This is a strange piece of text here, since it´s one of the first times we get to see that the narrator isn´t always neutral. In the one chapters I read of Ren being in that mountain, one could see it more often, but I found it right now a bit peculiar in this sense. I don´t think you should leave it out but maybe making a train of thought of it. Like in the next paragraph you are putting the text more in his voice than right here.

“Smart. Strategic,” she amended.

I have the impression as Rieka wanted to say more than just that. Because there isn´t an “and”, it reads a bit bumpy. It would fit better to put both statements in one sentence and combine them with an and. That would show more of this pride that Rieka has.

Blacksmith apprentice, my ass, Ren thought.

It´s just a suggestion from me, so take it or not. :D I would highlight thoughts italic. So one sees just from looking what is a thought and what not. Later on he´s thinking right in the middle of a paragraph and from the look it gets lost in it.

One of the wolves was right on his horse’s heels, hackles raised and lips pulled back over vicious teeth. It lunged, catching a clump of the horse’s tail and tearing it away. His horse screeched sharply and sprinted for the cliff.

I would use some synonyms or give the gender of the horse here, so it doesn´t look like you have used the term horse so often. It is already a small paragraph and using this word three times in three sentences is a bit too much.

“Amani always says that I shouldn’t say that word,” Shadya said. “So, neither should you.”

Neat little detail! :D

Right now I have the impression that Ren is an excellent thief, but as a lot of fears. So in summary, it was a great chapter. I liked how the focus was on Ren at the beginning and you got to know more about his personality, which is a good weakness for the strengths he has shown so far.

Have fun writing!

Mailice

Thank you for this wonderful review! Wow, you review quickly! And yes, I realize my povs often take a personal approach, however, I see it as this narrator is inside the character's head and saying what the character feels as though it is fact. Perhaps this is improper, I don't really know, lol

So like the inner voice one has but more in a sense of a documentary?

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starlitmind
Review

HEY HEY I'M BACK, and I'll just get right into it ^_^

Ren said, pulling his horse away from the swaying bridge that linked the two cliffs. With the wind billowing from the ravine, it rocked precariously,


Since your last noun is "ravine," it makes it seem like the ravine is rocking precariously instead of the bridge. Just thought I'd point that out ^_^

“Are you scared?”

“If it means not having to cross that thing, then yes.”


Oh wait, I don't really get his response to "are you scared" and I'm probably just being an idiot xD but he's asked if he's scared of crossing the bridge, and he responds with yes, if I don't have to cross the bridge. wouldn't he not be scared if he doesn't cross that bridge? or is he saying like "if me being scared prompts us to not cross that bridge, then yes I am." -> I feel like that is what you meant xD sorry if I'm just being dumb haha!

Ren rolled his eyes. Another image flashed through his mind. This time, he was halfway across the thin bridge and Rieka was cutting the ropes on the other side.


This made me laugh xD

Not only was the scar gruesome as hell, but a cloak of shadows seemed to press upon him. No, not shadows. Death.


Ooh, that's a pretty accurate observation about Zain

When the prince was halfway across the bridge, howls broke through the air. Growls of wolves coming from directly behind him.


Yup, I had a feeling something bad was going to happen, or something was going to make Ren's crossing a bit more... difficult cx but hey, at least this will force him to cross the bridge, right?

He was dead. He had to be. The world was dark and muddled, and it stank of mildew and blood. He had always known death wouldn’t be peaceful for him—not with his long list of punishable affairs—but he had also expected pain, and all he felt was discomfort. And… fur in his mouth?


Ahh xD I love how human Ren seems here. He is often portrayed and acts really tough, but in this scene, we get to see him scared and afraid, dropping his tough act. It's nice to see what he's actually like and how he responds to different emotions, and also what different emotions are like on him

Ren glanced at it, then at her grim expression, her lips pulled back in what he supposed was meant to be a smile. He grasped her palm, his fingers shaking.


YAY OKAY SO THEY ARE SORT OF BONDING BY SAVING EACH OTHER, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT WAS GOING TO PROMPT THE BONDING HAHA

Rieka shrugged. “If I had told you that from the start, you cowards would’ve refused to use the shortcut.


Ah, such a Rieka thing to do. I don't blame her honestly, as she does have a good point - no use in wasting time when there's a shortcut available. I do feel bad for the rest of the group though, as from its descriptions, the bridge sounds terrifying >.>

He couldn’t be the one to appear anxious. That was the prince’s job.


Omg Ren has been taking so many jabs at the prince haha, and really everyone else. He's been feeling bad at appearing scared / unhappy with sleeping outdoors, so it almost feels like he's making fun of others to make himself feel better

“Cheat shot. You just stole my joke.”


Did you perhaps mean "cheap shot"? "cheat shot" may totally be the right expression; I just have never heard it before, so I wanted to clarify ^_^

“Who told you that? Someone deaf?” Shadya said.


asdfhjlk OH MY GOODNESS, I DID NOT EXPECT SHADYA TO SAY THAT XD she is my favourite character omg she keeps surprising me

At her words, Ren noticed a glance Zain sent her way.


I love how you made a point of Ren noticing this, even though he has no idea why Zain would take particular interest in her

Ren cleared his throat and flourished his hands. “It was a late, summer evening…”


Ahh you are killing me with the dialogue in this chapter omg xD I love how you have some humour to offset the scarier, more serious moments of this novel

No yellowed fangs in sight.


:"))

Like I just mentioned, I absolutely loved your dialogue in this chapter. It's witty and fun to read along. The back-and-forth banter is hilarious and never fails to make me laugh. In addition, it seems pretty realistic. I think dialogue can be hard to write without making it sound robotic, stiff, or unnatural, but your dialogue always seems to flow smoothly and feels like something people would say in real life. So that + your descriptions are my favourite part of your writing :)

As always, I can't wait to read your next chapter; this has been really awesome to follow along <3

Thank you again!!!!!

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Plume
Review
Plume wrote a review · Tue Mar 30, 2021 3:09 pm

Hey there! Plume here, with a review! I noticed your piece in the green room and decided to bump it out! (I've only skimmed over the previous bits of this story, so sorry in advance if I get anything wrong/criticize something that's already been said.)

I really enjoyed reading this chapter of your story! Even though I haven't really read the others, I thought I could still understand it pretty well. It's very straightforward, which I love. I feel like a lot of times, people tend to get caught up in the descriptions, but you had just enough description so that I wasn't confused, but not too much so that I got bored. It's a hard balance to achieve, and your engaging prose managed to be a stellar example of what to do.

I also really loved the dynamics between your characters. I know you're doing a sort of split POV thing from you previous chapters, and I think that this section worked really well from Ren's POV. I loved the little fire scene at the end, where his character was really central to the whole getting to know you thing. He seems very extra and social, and just like a very charming person. All the other people seem like very interesting characters too, and your writing definitely does them justice. I think it would be interesting to go back and read other parts to see how Ren's opinions of them stack up to what they're actually like. I'll see if I can find time to do it, because I really enjoyed this piece!

I didn't really find any grammar errors, so good on you for that! I do have one stylistic suggestion, though.

Rieka snorted at Ren’s words. “Wise, my ass,” she muttered under her breath.

Ren felt a spark of anger ignite in his stomach. “I think you, Rieka darling, should be the first to go. As an occupational fighter, I suppose you must have many stories to tell. Such as the times you were wounded so badly, you were hardly recognizable. I would love to hear about those.”

“I will wound you so badly, you won’t be recognizable,” Rieka threatened, her face twisting in anger.

Ren placed his hands upon his cheeks. “You mustn’t! You would be doing the world a disservice by taking away this beauty.”

“Disservice my ass—”


You used the phrase "_____, my ass" twice in close proximity, and I thought it sounded a little repetitive and took away from some of the humor. I feel like you should change one of them.

Overall: nice work! I really loved this chapter, and I'm really tempted to go back and read some others.

Thank you for this wonderful review!!

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Honora
Review
Honora wrote a review · Wed Mar 03, 2021 5:40 pm

Hey Mordax! I'm back for another taste of your amazing talent! I've already read it but didn't have time to review...oh well, I read the first time to admire the story and a second time to look at the writing! :D

This time, he was halfway across the thin bridge and Rieka was cutting the ropes on the other side.
A very valid fear, I'm sure ;)

His skin prickled, and he glanced over his shoulder, finding nothing but shadows and pine trees.
An excellent sentence. I could really feel that something was coming or watching him. Made me shiver with him....

What the hell am I doing?
One thing I noticed that throws the flow of your work off is when your character is thinking. It takes me a second to realize that's what's happening rather then a switch of tenses. It's caught me a few times now. Maybe throw their thoughts into italics. Maybe that way, it will be immediately recognized as something different.

He had always known death wouldn’t be peaceful for him—not with his long list of punishable affairs—but he had also expected pain, and all he felt was discomfort. And… fur in his mouth?
I don't know why but I love this sentence. It really portrays how Ren, although is a notorious thief, also has a bit of a childish take on things. It's all serious and doom, death, despair and then he's just like...wait I got fur in my mouth. XD it made me chuckle.

“He can be your cuddle-buddy,” Rieka crooned, nudging the beast with her toe. Ren cringed.
Ha! That was my exact thought...then I read it XD Reika can apparently be funny sometimes :-P

Finally, when his teeth were chattering and even Shadya had begun to whine, Rieka dismounted her horse.
I like this sentence because it just reminds me that Shadya is a tough little girl without you telling me. It was very smooth and honestly, this is why I love your writing.

“All these supplies and you didn’t think to pack a fire starter?” she complained, shooting the prince a look.
Although the scene that plays after this one is quite entertaining, I found it just a bit unrealistic that he'd forget something like that.

She grunted, but when he glanced towards her, pride shined in her eyes.
Small mistake and I could be the one mistaken but I'm pretty sure its supposed to be shone instead of shined

“And we’re back,” Kai muttered, scrubbing a hand over his face.
I absolutely loved this. It made me roll my eyes with him as the bickering continues over bonding time :)

Anyways, those were the main things that I wanted to say...note that most of them had no complaints! Which I guess is getting old to you but I hope I can encourage you to continue writing. I've definitely had my fair share of disappointing reviews and I don't want to be among them for you!

Also, you're painful! I keep trying to pinpoint who my favourite is and I can't! I thought I could eliminate Ren from those names but I find his goofiness really attention grabbing. I can feel his anxieties while understanding his need to always seem lighthearted and funny. He's definitely growing on me as a favourite. So far it's still Zain but I think Ren is coming in as second. Then Amani...then the rest...but I'm sure I'll be changing my mind when you write from another's perspective. It seems to be an endless cycle of who do I like more! It's awesome because I'm always sad when the chapter ends and I'll be switching to another's POV but that seems to happen at the end of every chapter!!

Keep up the awesome work! :D :D
Honora

Thank you so much!!! Your reviews are very encouraging and I love to read them and get your perspective.



That there's some good in this world, Mr Frodo - and it's worth fighting for.
— Samwise Gamgee