z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Prophecy of Thieves [chapter 13.2]

by mordax


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Kai’s heart pounded in his chest as he waited several minutes after midnight had struck. Still, no sign of Rieka, and still, no movement from their guard.

When he was sure his skin would explode with inaction, the door to the dungeons squealed open and heavy footfalls resounded down to greet him.

The boy guard spun on his heels, eyes searching the dim staircase. “Zaviti sibya!” the guard shouted up.

Ranik Ivana,” the intruder shouted back. Rieka.

Kai’s heart stuttered in his chest—with relief or more nerves, he didn’t know. If there truly was no guard change at midnight, then Rieka’s presence might only instill more suspicion.

She came into view, marching down the last few steps. She was dressed in the stolen Styrkish armor, and while she filled it out well, it wasn’t tailored to her and thus was awkward on her form. An axe was strapped to her hip, the hilt long and wooden with a wicked, curved blade. With the dim torches the only light source to illuminate her face, she looked every part the Styrkish warrior—harsh, commanding, and ruthless. She looked far more capable than the boy who now guarded them.

A vyt?” Rieka barked out, the question more of a command.

Ranik Borja,” the guard said, his voice shrinking beneath the obvious authority Rieka exuded. He spewed out something else in Styrkish, the harsh words running together. Rieka responded in turn, her words a stab. Though Kai could not understand much of it—even if Ambrose had tried to teach him the basics of Styrkish when they were children—he knew the basis of the conversation. The boy—Borja—questioned Rieka’s presence. And Rieka made him feel the fool for doing so.

When the conversation didn’t seem close to budging, Ren piped up from his cell. “A little dispute on who will be watching over me, I presume?” he crooned. “You can both stay. My face is a lovely one and I’ve been told it’s quality entertainment to simply stare at it.”

Borja glanced back uncomfortably, his eyes barely skimming over Ren’s cell. Whatever inner dilemma he had been having seemed to cease and he turned back to Rieka and spoke with a jerky nod. Rieka’s brows lifted and as he brushed past her and up the staircase, she sagged with obvious relief.

When the door slammed shut behind Borja, she immediately stalked to Ren’s cell, tossing two lockpicks she had stuffed in her pocket. They clanged noisily against the stone floor.

“Don’t act so relieved, Rieka,” Ren spoke as he shuffled for the picks. Kai strained to lean forward and watch them, but the manacles were too restricting. “Someone with nothing to hide isn’t relieved when others come to that realization.”

“No one’s here to see,” she bit back.

“Not now, at least.” Kai heard the clicking of those pins against a lock then the clatter as the chains fell from Ren’s wrists.

“He relented too easily,” Rieka mused as Ren began to work on his cell door. “No decent warrior would leave their position with only the words of another guard to order it.”

“Warriors are humans,” Ren said, a shrug in his words. “Even humans grasp at the chance to leave uncomfortable situations, even if they had been trained not to.”

Rieka’s lips quirked as she stared at an undoubtedly grinning Ren. “You made him feel uncomfortable, didn’t you.”

The door to Ren’s cell squealed open as he said, “And look where it got us: You are here and that guard is not.”

Kai’s brows rose. So Ren’s words had all been intentional. It wasn’t just misplaced humor, but rather the right words to poke at the young guard’s religious fears. It didn’t hurt that the guard placed to watch them was also young and inexperienced.

Ren came into view beyond the iron bars of Kai’s cell. He grinned at him, his eyes twinkling.

“You look ecstatic, dear Kai,” Ren said, placing the picks within the cell door’s locks.

“Switching guard positions worked for Rieka, but I doubt it will for Ambrose,” he responded.

“Then I suppose we should hurry.” The cell door sprung open and Kai adjusted himself, giving Ren access to the manacles on his wrists. The metal shifted against his skin as Ren worked.

“As long as the prince isn’t down here, we still have time,” Rieka said, shifting on her feet as her eyes watched the dungeon’s entrance.

The manacles released from Kai’s wrists and he was instantly on his feet, massaging the sore skin there.

“Let’s go,” he said, brushing out of the cell and towards the staircase. A hand stopped him, the grip weak on his shoulder. Kai turned to glance down at Ren.

“Why don’t we let darling Rieka go first,” he said, his eyes shifting to the door over Kai’s shoulder. “I doubt any warriors will ignore a tall Larabosi man bursting out of the dungeons.”

Kai nodded, his neck stiff. He was right, of course, yet all Kai could see was Ambrose being discovered, bound, and sent to the dungeons. Once that happened, there was little chance Ambrose would escape alive. Little chance any of them would escape alive.

However, he ordered his nerves to not interfere with his body. He could wait. He could be patient. He could allow Rieka to check each corner before following behind. He could keep his cool. He could—would—do it all because he needed to.

Rieka stepped around him and eased the door open, peering up the staircase that wound through the tunnel. She waved a hand for them to step forward.

Once in the staircase, the smooth, circular walls encompassing them wasn’t enough to protect him from the vulnerability that washed over his skin. There would be branched off exits all throughout the tunnel, leading either into chambers within the fortress or segments of the walls. Each branch would contain prospective eyes that could notice them.

As they came across the first exit that extended from the staircase, Rieka walked steadily by, attempting to gaze beyond with a casual demeanor. When she kept walking, both Kai and Ren took that as a sign that they wouldn’t be seen.

Once the open doorway passed, Ren hissed, “With the gold we all make from this, you should take some acting classes.”

Rieka scowled. “I won’t need to act at all with that sum of gold.”

Ren grinned. “I suppose not. At that point you could just bribe anyone out of anything you want.”

“Now’s not the time for this conversation,” Kai muttered under his breath.

Ren gave him a look, which Kai ignored.

They fell into an unsteady rhythm with Rieka taking the lead and checking every passageway and Kai and Ren following silently behind. Kai made sure to watch their rear for any entering guards, but the tower echoed every footfall that he was sure he would hear them long before he saw them.

While three floors up didn’t seem like much, the ceilings must’ve been high for after several moments of walking, Kai’s thighs began to burn. The beat of his heart only continued to increase—though not from exertion. Instead, his body reacted to the anxieties that he refused to dwell on. While he kept his thoughts focused on their tasks, his stomach churned and his heart pounded. He almost expected to enter the third floor and find Ambrose gone, already locked in a cell below.

However, when they reached the third floor, Rieka paused, peering into the wide chamber. She held up a hand for Kai and Ren to stay as she entered, her shoulders straightening—the stance of a soldier.

Zaviti sibya!” a feminine voice ordered from beyond the doorway. Definitely not Ambrose.

Ravnik Ivana,” Rieka responded. She began speaking to the warrior in rapid Styrkish, their quips bouncing back and forth like a game of catch.

Eventually, the woman huffed, and her feet pounded on the stone as she made her way to the tunnel. Fortunately, from some blessing of the gods, she chose to exit the third floor through the opposing staircase rather than the one they were in.

Rieka’s blonde hair flashed as she leaned her head into the stairwell and waved Kai and Ren through.

Ambrose stood in the center of the large foyer, his fingers knit together. The foyer was a grand hall where government meetings and trials took place, the wide chamber filled with chairs placed in semi-circles, a line at the end, and then one head chair for the Chief beyond it. It was a meeting place of each tiered political voices, much like those within Arlan’s palace. Only the Arlanians had far fewer voices upon its council and even fewer advisors for those councilmen. Even in his limited tutoring, Kai knew Styrka’s government was nothing like Arlan’s. They didn’t have Lords, officials, and clerics that advised the King, but rather representatives from across the country, a council elected by those representatives, and a Chief with limited power.

Kai couldn’t help but ponder what each voice in their complex government would deem as his sentence should he be caught. Despite there being over a hundred chairs lined precisely in the open foyer, Kai didn’t doubt each representative and councilman would deem him guilty. Guilty of doing the gods’ work. While he was sure in this assessment, he didn’t know whether to feel disagreement with it or understanding. Naturally, the former was more fit, so he decided the former was what he would feel. His mind was not good at convincing his heart, however.

“The guard would not leave without a certified order, so I compromised to take my position of guard with her present. I had no other options,” Ambrose said, his eyes darting between them. Ren didn’t bother acknowledging him as he hurried past to the archives door and pulled on the handle. Locked. He stuck his picks in the lock and lowered his head in concentration as he worked.

“It’s fine,” Kai said, clapping Ambrose on the shoulder. “There was no shift change at midnight, so compromises had to be made.”

“If you had a spine, maybe she would’ve left sooner,” Rieka grumbled.

“No, it would have only reinforced her obstinance,” Ambrose said. “With you backing up my claim, it makes the orders I claimed seem more reliable. Though she will no doubt be clarifying those orders with her superior officer. We do not have much time before she returns knowing the scam.”

“Usually when I’m short on time, I act quickly rather than stand around and chat,” Ren said from across the room, the wooden door to the archives opened wide. Ambrose and Rieka hurried towards it, Kai on their heels.

The archives were a narrow chamber with overflowing cabinets reaching for the ceilings. There was a singular desk in the center, piled with papers, transcripts, and documents all scrawled with the boxy characters of Styrkish. Ambrose, Ren, and Rieka began rummaging through file after file, Ren clambering up a thin ladder that reached to the upper cabinets.

Kai began to shuffle through the papers within the desk, none of the words ones he could understand. Not that it mattered. He would recognize blueprints regardless of the language they were in.

After several moments of searching and finding nothing, Rieka pulled out a thin children’s book, the cover worn from use, a dull drawing of a dragon upon it.

Ren glanced down at her from the ladder. “Now is not the time for sentimentality,” he said, dropping a few files back into the cabinet and shoving it closed.

Rieka ignored him and opened the book, holding it upside down. A folded parchment fluttered to the ground. She tossed the book aside and lifted it, unfolding the creases to show the layout of the mountain. The ink was faded and smudged, the blueprints likely centuries old.

“No way,” Ren muttered, sliding down from the ladder and landing silently on his toes. “No fucking way. They keep it in a children’s book?”

“It’s a common story about the sword and how it came to be,” Rieka said by way of explanation. She glanced around to each of their faces and tucked the paper into a pocket beneath her armor. “Let’s go.”

They shoved out of the cramped archives, clicking the door behind them. Kai’s nerves were beginning to ease—they were nearly complete in their heist after all—yet his heart stopped then started with renewed fervor the minute he turned back to the foyer.

And found a woman standing in the center, her eyes wide upon Rieka.


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Sat Jul 31, 2021 9:11 am
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi mordax,

Mailice back with another review! :D

This was an unexpectedly interesting chapter and yet I see that your style from 13.1 is still present here. This change of tone worked well in this situation and I liked how the pace had increased.

The chapter was very focused and straightforward. I liked this tone and I think it was also a good way to end the heist, as the hardest part is now behind them. Or is it just the beginning? The ending is quite promising. As in the last chapter, I found it strange that you didn't include some things, like more character depth and their thoughts as they wander through the fortress and also when Rieka comes to free Ren and Kai. I would have expected, for example, that both of them would talk a bit to get away from the thoughts that something could go wrong. But Ren and Rieka remain the same no matter what situation comes their way. I think that's good. :D

I really liked that Rieka kept her cool even after she had false information and continued to lead the group to their goal of the plan. I liked how you described her in her armour and also how the whole thing played out now. One question that remains for me, and which has been bothering me for the last few chapters, is whether this language you are presenting is based on Slavic or whether you have just used meaningless words to create a harsh tone.

It was very surprising that they found the map at the end, and that it was hidden in a children's book. I think everyone has their ideas about where to hide the house keys, but a children's book wouldn't come to mind. :D Again you manage to create a kind of cliffhanger and thus increase the tension. The whole of the previous chapters that build on this seem very much overshadowed by it, because it's like an endless staircase that you take to the top and you're already halfway through out of breath.

Again, just a short review. I think you've done a masterful job of leading the story and I can't say much that struck me as odd. Your language is good and the writing with the structure makes the story very easy to read.

Just keep up the good work. :D

Have fun writing!

Mailice




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Thu Jun 17, 2021 9:47 pm
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starlitmind wrote a review...



Thank you so much for leaving such a sweet message on my wall :') I will respond to it as soon as I can, but I wanted to let you know that it made me smile and super brightened up my day ^_^

Kai’s heart pounded in his chest as he waited several minutes after midnight had struck. Still, no sign of Rieka, and still, no movement from their guard.

When he was sure his skin would explode with inaction, the door to the dungeons squealed open


This is a random suggestion I had, so please feel free to ignore if you don't like it xD
I was thinking, to build up more tension before you reveal that Rieka did make it, you can have Kai look over to Ren and see if he's panicking or not. Or the two could whisper, discussing whether Rieka would make it on time or not. Orreally anything; I just wanted to suggest to have a few more moments of "panic" to build suspense before Rieka is revealed ^_^

She looked far more capable than the boy who now guarded them.


Ooh this will probably work to her advantage, as Rieka might ben able to convince the young boy to leave them alone >.>

“A little dispute on who will be watching over me, I presume?” he crooned. “You can both stay. My face is a lovely one and I’ve been told it’s quality entertainment to simply stare at it.”


Dude, Ren xD he cracks me up! HIs confidence and boldness despite being in a state of uncertainty and danger is actually admirable xD (small note: I believe "it's" should be "its" ^_^)

“Warriors are humans,” Ren said, a shrug in his words. “Even humans grasp at the chance to leave uncomfortable situations, even if they had been trained not to.”


Okay with this and that thieve vs. robber comment, Ren really does say some pretty smart stuff sometimes :')

Rieka’s lips quirked as she stared at an undoubtedly grinning Ren. “You made him feel uncomfortable, didn’t you.”


I personally think that a question mark might work better here ^_^

So Ren’s words had all been intentional. It wasn’t just misplaced humor, but rather the right words to poke at the young guard’s religious fears.


I love how this whole time, it was made to believe that Ren was saying all of that to be funny and like he was being his usual stuff. Kai believed that, I believed that, but really it was part of a much larger idea. Ren is incredibly witty

Kai nodded, his neck stiff. He was right, of course, yet all Kai could see was Ambrose being discovered, bound, and sent to the dungeons.


Kai + Ambrose's relationship is super precious. It's really sweet how much Kai cares for the prince

Instead, his body reacted to the anxieties that he refused to dwell on. While he kept his thoughts focused on their tasks, his stomach churned and his heart pounded.


I think this is the most nerve-wracked I've seen Kai before! Usually, he seems quite calm and collected and level-headed (besides that one time he attacked that dude at the festival >.>) but here, he is barely able to control his fears and anxieties and his heart. I think that's super important in showing not only how much he cares for Ambrose, but also that he's so human and that feeling this way is only natural, no mater how good you are at controlling your feelings

“The guard would not leave without a certified order, so I compromised to take my position of guard with her present. I had no other options,” Ambrose said


In my opinion, it kind of seems like Ambrose popped out of nowhere; perhaps you could mention him briefly before, like "Kai spotted Ambrose right behind Rieka" or whatever you'd like?

And found a woman standing in the center, her eyes wide upon Rieka.


IT'S RIEKA'S FORMER FRIEND, I remember since I read chapter 14 first oops >.>

Okay I'm not too worried about how things will turn out since I know that everything ends up being sort of?? okay?? so the suspense isn't that great for me since I spoiled it by myself lol. BUT AHH I love where you chose to end it!! To everyone else, it's just some random woman they need to get rid of, but to Rieka, that was her friend and someone she once loved. I can only imagine how shaken she must've been upon seeing her face. Maybe we'll get some more insight on why Rieka had to leave, and maybe Rieka will realize that she needs to give herself the chance to heal :)

OKAY, AS ALWAYS, I really enjoyed reading this chapter; with Kai, my nerves would ease and then start again xD so many times I thought we were in the clear, but then another problem arose. And I doubt things will get smoother >.>

can't wait for the next one <3




mordax says...


Eeeek, thank you again!!!



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Tue Apr 20, 2021 6:18 pm
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Honora wrote a review...



I'm running out of ways to greet you...I feel like the good ol' "Back again" is getting overused :-P

So Ren’s words had all been intentional. It wasn’t just misplaced humor, but rather the right words to poke at the young guard’s religious fears.
Pffffffft of course it was intentional! Ren is always so underestimated

And found a woman standing in the center, her eyes wide upon Rieka.
I hate to nitpick the last sentence but this one didn't quite settle like the past ones have. I think it's because my attention was more focused on how it started with And rather then what you were portraying.
Example: There, standing in the center, was a woman who's wide eyes were rested upon Rieka.
Of course, this is just a suggestion :)

Other then that though, I found nothing wrong! It's really is an amazing piece of work and I really like it. I enjoy the bantering between Rieka and Ren even when they find the worst possible times, it seems. I find it keeps me more involved with what's going on if they're still acting like children at time :-P Kai is almost like the father figure...always ruining the fun :-P

Annnnd, who is this woman? She must obviously recognize Rieka...at least that's what I got out of that last sentence. If that is the case, things are about to get interesting. They might want to leave the fortress with a newfound urgency. I'm sure none of them feel the urge to be in the dungeons for real with no way out.

I'm also missing the story on the others' perspective. I feel like I haven't heard from Zain, Amani and Shadya for the longest of times! If that's not the next chapter, I'll be sad :( but also take that as a compliment because you've managed to make me want to know more about both sides of the story! And unfortunately, I don't possess the power to read about them both at the same time! :(

Anyways, I'm off!

Keep up the great work!
Honora




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Tue Apr 06, 2021 2:59 pm
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Ducklinstories wrote a review...



Hey hey, long time no see Mordax, duckling here for a review! Let' get started shall we,

I gotta be honest here I nearly found anything bad in this chapter, so the little things I'm picking out here will probably be nitpicking!

Rieka scowled. “I won’t need to act at all with that sum of gold.”

Ren grinned. “I suppose not. At that point, you could just bribe anyone out of anything you want.”

so what I personally think here is that we have some kind of repetition in forming of the dialogue, pointing out to the Rieka scowled and Ren grinned so I suggest you would place The Ren grinned after his part of the dialogue like this:

"I suppose not. At that point, you could just bribe anyone out of anything you want" Ren grinned

Ofc this is no must just something I thought that sounded better in my head but like I said I'm really nitpicking here!

"Ambrose stood in the center of the large foyer, his fingers knit together. The foyer was a grand hall where government meetings and trials took place, the wide chamber filled with chairs placed in semi-circles, a line at the end, and then one head chair for the Chief beyond it. It was a meeting place of each tiered political voices, much like those within Arlan’s palace. Only the Arlanians had far fewer voices upon its council and even fewer advisors for those councilmen. Even in his limited tutoring, Kai knew Styrka’s government was nothing like Arlan’s. They didn’t have Lords, officials, and clerics that advised the King, but rather representatives from across the country, a council elected by those representatives, and a Chief with limited power."

As for here, I feel like we are in an exiting moment and that is kinda ruined by the big block of information given about the governments. You ofcourse can give information but try to shorten it just a little bit so we are not distracted for too long from the exiting tension

Thats it for my nit picking! I really loved this chapter I think it's one of my favorites so far, I really like Rieka here!

keep on writing and till the next chapter
-Ducklin




mordax says...


Thank you!!




To answer before listening—that is folly and shame.
— Proverbs 18:13