‘til the moment i am laid to rest, i will never forget
the pain of simply being me,
a being left for dead in streets of
sorrow, where no one has the strength
to move, to live, to breathe.
words are like bruises on any given day,
pounding, but not sinking in,
visible but not important.
but this short string of thoughts,
though spoken gently, leaves deep cuts.
the tip of a knife sinks through skin-
rotting flesh as easily divided as raw butter
and just as undesirable.
i am bound, lost, staring into dark and
helpless against this new blade,
gentle and meticulous in its work,
carving out my heart and slicing it
every-which-way,
seething with good intentions and
[platonic] love.
god bless the soul who holds that knife-
he’s a good man and i want the best for him.
he does for me too, but he doesn’t see
the damage left behind,
completely innocent and yet entirely guilty.
but i find no fault, i lay the blame on no one.
they say you have to get up
whenever you’re pushed down.
they don’t mention that it’s harder every time;
the ground is slick, the way is dark,
the glass cuts your palms and rips through your clothes.
i am no stranger to sorrow, well acquainted with these roads
maybe this time the ground can finally claim my body.
maybe this time i will lay to rest,
never forgetting the pain.
Hello, my name is Flow and I'll be your reviewer for the evening. I am going to try and review this by stanza's, not all of them may be nessesary to comment on so if I skip don't worry.
The first stanza isn't the strongest, but it really drew the reader into the story your about to unfold. I disslike the lack of capital letters in this poem though. It doesn't really have any poetic meaning, it just looks lazy in this piece. I like the picture you paint here but you adjectives are boring. There are so many exciting words that would make this so much more thrilling.
The second stanza was by far my favorite stanza! This is so original in my mind, it threw a new perspective on things.
Ugh, here we go with a typical emo poem. From this stanza on you lose the strength and the emotion of this piece. You draw in the typical, "I'm going to cut myself because I have problems" poem. Not saying you don't have problems, there are just so many ways to express this through poetry that are more...poetic. I do like the last two lines, but they are to drawn out and it messes up the flow. Maybe making more lines to make it flow better.
First two lines of the next stanza read as your trying to talk really fast and can't get the words out. The and just doesn't work in this, it reads like a list of depressing things. The words have no color and they dont make me imagine anything that is going on. Every-which-way sounds really country in my opinion. I don't really think it suits the mood of this poem, it makes it seem almost humorous but maybe I just think creepy. I wouldn't put platonic in () none of the other poem is done like this and it just sticks out for no reason.
Now you have a random outburst of a story. God should be capitalized no matter the case in my opinion, assuming you actually mean God. You never tell us what this man did to you, why you feel the way you do, or anything for that matter. How can the reader relate to the writer if we don't know what has happened? The line after this might as well be included with the previous one. I can relate to this line but you can draw so much more power behind it. I don't think it should be by itself, it breaks your stanza's into a weird form that wasn't previously used. I think with the right words added to it you could draw the reader in to where they can't tear their eyes away.
This stanza is also very random, you jump froma guy to falling down when people push you. This just doesn't relate... then you throw some glass in there. Why is there random glass on the ground? You have to make sense in all of your metaphors and illusions else the reader goes, "Hey where did that come from?"
Well, now the ending, the famous "I want to kill myself" line. If your going to throw this in there you have to, I mean have to, make it strong. You can't make it sounds ranty and you can't make it predictable. I can't really say more than I have above about that. I don't understand the very last line, if your dead how can you remember? There is no logical explination to this that I can think of.
Other than that I hope that I was a help and not a nuissance to your work. I apologize for any misspellings that occur, or grammar errors...I'm quite tired. If you need me for anything feel free to pm me.
-Flow-
wow....this is really amazing....brilliant and vivid imagry ...wow!