Fairytale II (I Told You So)

Hey there molly! So, I'm gonna give you a critique more on your style rather than the content of this actual piece.

First off:

Showing vs Telling. I know, I know, most overused phrase ever, but you know what? It's important, and it isn't used nearly as often as it should be. I found that you "tell" quite a bit in this poem. By telling I don't mean that you just state facts, though that is a great deal of the difference between the two techniques. Telling is often like recounting. It can even sometimes feel like a list. Take this stanza for example:

He was the cats meow
He was the bees knees
He was beautiful,
wonderful,
smart and compassionate
He was perfection.

First, let's ignore the grammar. Look at the way this is written; it feels like a list a bit, doesn't it? It may be heartfelt, but the structure is quite repetitive. "This was this. This was this. This was this." Try making this fluid; don't be afraid of incorporating other structures, don't be afraid to take some pronouns off. Have fun with it. Try introducing more figurative language in this. WHY was he beautiful? HOW was he beautiful? Don't just tell us that he was, introduce us to him, let us get to know him. How did he move? What was he like? Did he have simple ways of doing things that were just him? In order for your character to come alive we need to know him as a person rather than a concept of perfection. That's too objective. Try showing us through the details and imagery.


Alright, next point.
Grammar/structure. So, your capitalization was all over the place, which I would definitely recommend making more uniform, maybe punctuating the entire piece as you would prose. This is a good rule for writing all the time. It makes your words count more than the structure that you put them in, and will oftentimes create some wonderful fluidity and rhythm. You might also try playing with your rhythm. Speed it up, slow it down, keep it nice and steady for the parts that count. The manner in which someone reads something can entirely change the poem, but not if they're distracted by it. Keep it natural.

Also: Just basic grammar. There were quite a few mistakes in here.


Last point:
concepts. You had some gems in here, you really did. I think that you could probably try broadening the conceptual aspect of your poetry, because some parts of it like the "fairytale" and "happy ending" are quite cliche, and not even in the princess manner, but in the way that it is crushed. I would recommend looking at this a bit more and maybe seeing how you can make it your own. Maybe introduce an underlying theme to make the imagery stronger and more cohesive.

Find the things like this:

And stuttered it’s last beats.

rather than the things like this:

With a heart ripped to shreds;
Burned and beaten and
Trodden underfoot.

The language itself reflects your originality at times. It produces new images and new connotations, which are always wonderful things to see. Expand on these new, bright images-- don't allow yourself to fall back on tired language. You have potential for so much more. Utilize it.

I love the concept of this poem! Anyway, is there a first poem of this and is it conected in anyway? That part confused me and you may want to put in spoiler's why you named it the way you did. Some people won't read it but people like me find it interesting. Just pointing that out. As with all poem's this is just my personal idea's: if they don't fit you're idea's it's ok. Just try them! Reviews in... Let's say red?

How do you think it feels
#FF0000 ">to be torn between
A mistake and
An unattainable dream?

He was the cats meow
He was #FF0000 ">the bees knees
He was beautiful#FF0000 ">,
And wonderful #FF0000 ">I would get rid of the 'and'. It feel's awkward.
And smart and compassionate#FF0000 ">See above
He was perfection.

What was the mistake?

The mistake was that my heart
Didn’t land in his hands
The mistake was that my heart
Was imprisoned in the clutches of
Everything I didn’t want

#FF0000 ">Insert: The last sentence seems a little off flow. I love the whole stanza but the experience was interupted by that. I feel like you were also a little comma stingy. This wasn't the first, or last, time either. Plus, comma's are going extinct! We need to save them. Anyway...

How do you think it feels
To be torn between
Giving yourself everything you want
And giving it all up?

I fought a bloody battle. #FF0000 ">This seems a bit like a random stick in. Use some descriptive word's instead, or try something else.

Sometimes I wanted to
Give up#FF0000 ">, #FF0000 ">Maybe you should put "Give up" on the first line. It might flow better.
Exasperated with my life
And this endless pattern

But I’m not that self-sacrificing.
Fighting bloody battles renders you cold
And I was essentially heartless
I escaped the clutches of everything I didn’t want
(I tore his worthless heart in two) #FF0000 "><3

And I found myself
Holding my poor little heart
It was cold and wet
And it stunk of sadness and regret
But I cradled it in my arms
And I promised it a new life
In the hands of perfection.

When I held that tiny organ out
And offered it to perfection
He flashed me a sad smile
Shook his head
And walked away

And that’s when my sad little heart
Cried it’s last tears
And stuttered it’s last beats.

I had forgotten, of course, that he was an
Unattainable dream.
I had forgotten that fairytales
Aren’t for the violent
Or the feisty#FF0000 ">.
They’re for the princess#FF0000 ">-
And not the wounded warrior

#FF0000 ">Hyphen's: Also useful. See Edgar Allen Poe.

And so here I stand again
Cold#FF0000 ">,
Stony#FF0000 ">,
Hardened#FF0000 ">,
With a heart ripped to shreds, #FF0000 ">or try ;
Burned and beaten and
Trodden underfoot
And I can’t even wear my battle scars
With pride.

I told you
I couldn’t have a happy ending
Didn’t I?

It’s gonna take a lot for me to
Believe in fairytales now.

The last two stanza's didn't really fit together. I loved them both, so I can't tell you one or the other. Try reading it out loud: it actually helps a lot. Anyway, I liked you're poem! I hope I helped and remember to keep writing!