I still remember how he felt,
His palm,
Dry and warm and gentle,
Our fingers interlaced.
He was the only comfort I had
In the dark world
I had created
Around myself.
His touch was
My peace;
His hand was
My rock,
And I anchored my heart
To it.
I was so sure that
This was what forever
Felt like,
So sure that
I wanted him,
And he me.
And then one day
He came home and said
He had someone else
(Someone better).
And my heart was
Splintered into a million
Different pieces.
My body was cold and numb,
And it was all I could do
To just keep breathing.
Cut to
Me staying busy and
Forgetting sometimes
That I ever knew him,
And he was only
The occasional letter.
But suddenly,
Like whiplash
He reappeared and
I found myself floundering,
Not sure if I was maybe
Falling again,
And falling hard.
But in my time alone
I found that maybe
I had grown up,
And I knew that
He was no longer a
Dream of mine.
And so I moved on,
And so did he
And all we could ever be
Was there for each other,
Always knowing
It couldn’t always be this way.
And that day finally came,
When he came to me
And he said
“I love her.”
And he told me
“Don’t worry,
You’re amazing.”
But he didn’t say
“She’s better.”
He didn’t have to,
Because I know it for myself.
And I know that
We could never be happy
Together,
And he spends
So much time worrying
If he’s hurt my feelings,
Worrying that I’m
Upset over him.
I don't think
He can grasp the fact
That I have
Moved on from him,
And I don't need him
Anymore.
But while I see her white gold,
And her diamond,
And everything he has given her,
And everything he will give her,
I know that he and I
Have so much more
Than she could ever have.
And sometimes I still wonder,
But it’s too late
Anyway.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Overall, I think there's some good stuff in there, but it's really hard to see with the short line breaks. Most of them don't have a purpose, and the poem would flow much better if you had longer lines.
Here's an example with the first stanza:
I still remember how he felt,
His palm dry and warm
And gentle, our fingers interlaced.
I think this poem is pretty good, but the structure could use some improvement. Keep writing!
This was a nice poem. I think it would have been better with more emotions but i guess that's how you were feeling when you wrote this :/ Anyways i enjoyed it =) Though i git a little confused somewhere :p Keep it up !
Thanks for reading! I think that imagery would be appropriate for most poetry, but here I found that it was essentially useless. I feel like there wasn't much to illustrate except the way I felt, and that's VERY difficult to put into words, for sure. I'm one to say things how they are, instead of beating around the bush, you know? But thanks so much for the feedback!!! Don't worry, every comment is deeply appreciated!
~Molly
Wow, what an interesting poem. I'm not quite sure what to say about this, but I liked it! It sounded almost like a prose piece but broken up into lines and stanzas. The places where you broke the sentences served to exaggerate certain words effectively. I think some sensory images would help to color it, because it was more of you telling the story rather than illustrating it. Still, I very much enjoyed this poem. Not much of a review, but there you have it.
Good work!
~Masquerade