I have been up for hours.
The thunder isn’t what keeps sleep away,
Even though its power shakes
The entire house.
It isn’t the lightning either,
So bright, like white sunshine in the
Dead of the night.
Nor is it the pounding against
My roof and my window.
(The torrent is like
A million hammers.)
To be honest,
I can’t quite place
What keeps me from dozing.
I can’t stay still.
I get up, and move around
Mindlessly, as if searching for something
I know I was just holding a moment ago.
My search leads me out the front door.
I slosh through a puddle,
Splashing mud and wet up my legs.
That doesn’t make a difference, though.
Only one second and already I am drenched.
I stray further into the downpour.
A rich, filthy scent fills my nose.
It is grass and soil,
Trees and roots,
Rock and clay.
Generations of life ooze up through the ground
As if the rain had called it to the surface.
My clothing melts into my skin.
My hair snakes around the edges of my face,
Plastered, almost painted there.
I feel so vulnerable out here,
Moreso than I ever was in broad daylight.
The power of nature strips me down.
It sees me for what I am: human clay.
Coming from the ground, and then returning again.
The wet quenches the cracked earth.
It breathes, giving out more life,
And taking more back in.
The rain is just a reminder,
The thunder is a threat
To all the human clay who will listen.
Just as the rain is drawn from the ground,
Life is given from the earth.
And just as the rain falls,
So will you.
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140,603 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
This was such a wonderful poem - I can relate to it because I also have insomnia, and I feel like walking around my house and outside every night as well. I especially loved this line;
So bright, like white sunshine in the
Dead of the night.
It presented such beautiful imagery, and I applaud you for it. I don't think you should have used the word 'meander', because it sounded a little out of place. Another word like strolled, or strayed, or something would have worked, because it would have kept the elegant simplicity of the poem intact.
Well done, I'll keep an eye out for more of your work.
Very good. Very interesting. I have only one correction which I'll get out of the way, and then go on to praise. In the first stanza, you spelled "lightning" as "lighting." A common mistake, but one that must be fixed.
I liked the way it kept going. It just kept moving onward, from one thought or action to the next, without dwelling too long on any one thing. It really did feel like a stream of consciousness coming from someone half-asleep, but unable to make the rest of the journey. I loved the description--I don't know if I can remember the wording exactly--of looking for something you had just held in your hand. Everyone can relate to that feeling-- "What did I do with that again?" Great connection there.
I really liked this poem. I don't think I've read anything like it. The methodical ending was excellent, too, especially since the rest seemed almost pointless--in a good way, directionless, like the narrator--and then the end made the reader think, "Whoa. He's totally right." Great descriptions, great thoughts, great poem.
Thank you so much!!! That means a lot to me!!
I've read poetry before and none has ever had an effect on me. Literally, I never feel anything. But yours, yours was brilliant! I was capitvated from the very start that my mouth literally fell open and then I kept reading and the feeling deapened. The last two sentences were definitely hook, line and sinkers. I actually felt moved and by a peice of poetry. I am probably the worst person in understanding poetry and yet I got this one! This is by far my most favourite thing on YWS as of now!
Just to let you know I have absolutely no prior knowledge on poerty because I tend not to listen in class when it comes to it so I will let someone with more knowledge critique you on this. Instead I'll give you a fan girl squeal. This was fabulous. I like your word choice and the way you rythemed everything together so it moved all in one large, concise wave to bring up the end product. I've never seen you around YWS before though I've been offline for quite awhile, which could be why, so hello, I am the Apple!
I'm definitely liking this. Really good work, I wish I could be of more help. Maybe one thing I can pick up on is that in the first paragraph...thing...I feel like you explained a little to much.
Even though I like this last part I'd like you to consider if the poem would still work without it. Now you don't have to do it because I could just be acting blind and not see the real value, but I still want you to consider removing it. That paragraph just felt to wordy for me.