Now
It was the cold crunch of snow under our feet I remember best.
My best friend stood next to me, shivering, tucking her hands under her armpits. We stood next to each other, not really sure what to say. We were broken, and we both knew.
“Should we go inside?” I ask.
She shrugs and that little gesture breaks me inside, because the confession I’m about to tell her will break us in the process.
She used to confide everything to me. She had call me after her first kiss; crying and scared that she was doing something wrong and I had made it better. She had chosen me and I was so happy but now she hadn’t called me for months. I had been the one to reach out and ask her to meet me at our favorite coffee shop, well our old favorite. Now, I didn’t know what she ordered anymore, if it had no honey in it because, she claimed, “it was sweet enough.”
I looked at this girl who claimed to be my best friend, and I was uncertain I knew her anymore.
“Let’s go in, I’m to cold to be out here,” I said. I opened the door and she followed me in.
We went up to the counter and ordered.
“I’d like a chai, please,” I said then I turned to her and silently asked what she wanted.
“I’ll take one too,” she said.
When we had payed and were waiting for our drinks I asked her, “when did you start liking chais? Before you wouldn’t even touch one.”
She smiled, “Zoe made me try hers a few months ago and I guess, I realized that they were really good.”
“Oh cool,” I smiled at her turned away, distantly, and turned to grab my chai.
How had we gotten here? How had our beautiful friendship shattered and made us into different people?
My chest was tight and I knew I was close to tears. She used to read me like an open book, she had been the only one that could. She knew me like no other.
She sat down and took a huge swig off chai, “so should we get that roll we were both were eyeing. You know, for old time's sake.”
The tears threatened to start blurring my vision. For old time’s sake, had it gotten that bad? Had it gotten so bad that I was an old friend, not a best friend but an old one?
“Yeah sure!” My heart needed the little reassurance that it could go back to when everything was right.
She got up and went up to the barista with a little flounce. I watched her as she smiled and flirted innocently with him. She had always had a way to get the good guys, the ones that treated her like a godess. The funny thing was that she used to always be so oblivious they were practically begging her to go out with them. She used to never flirt, not even with the ones who were eyeing her. She had changed and I knew it had to happen; so as the guy slipped her his number and gave her the roll for free, I built a wall up over the emotions. By the time she was sitting down, there was a mask on my face and a wall around my emotions.
She looked at my face and sighed, “what’s up Mary? You seem like there’s something on your mind.”
I let myself have one more chance to back out, so I thought of the months leading up to this and then I broke and shattered.
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Canary word: Present
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,792 Reviews
I know that he asks her what she wants after saying what he will have but he actually did not ask her like "What will you want.." or something like that right? I think you do not need the comma at the end of his speech, anyways she is talking next. Same for the comma in his speech quotes.
So, they pay and then get their orders? Is it not the opposide way? I may be wrong but where I like we order first, eat, and then pay for what we have eaten. You need to start the speech in the quotes with a capital letter. Also, payed is written 'paid'.
I think you need a comma or another kind of seperation in between 'her' and 'turned'. I noticed you talk in past tense here, all in that tense while they are in the cafe. I know that it is a past event but you need to be careful because you have decided to go with present tense. Personally, I find past tense for the whole work more suitable. This was there would not be any kind of confusion. But if you want to still seperate the past and present, I think you can find a good way to let the reader know. 'I smiled at her' is a thing I understand, he is looking at her and smiling to her. But then right after that you write 'turned away'. They do not come well together, these two parts, and also do not make any kind of sense together even if they are both past tense. You have no noun for the verb 'turned' which makes the line looking like there is something missing. I think without a noun it is a lots better. The best in my opinion is to add a comma, this was you will surround 'turned away' with commas.
You just have spelt goddess wrong, you need one more d in the word.
In general, I like this work and would love to see how it goes on! For a prologue that you say is unfinished and needs to be fixed, it is really good and it really deserves the first chapter. I hope to see it soon! I feel very bad for him (you in the work) because he is nearly heartbroken and I feel like there are things he wants to tell her. Maybe she does not love him but he does? I do not know but I would love to know.
Hello hello, and happy RevMo!
I think one reason why it's working for me is that we started with some real action (this protagonist is doing something about her situation not sitting in her room and complaining and explaining to the audience why she's sad and how things have changed). Also, you didn't reveal what the problem is or what happened with these girls. That's so crucial. You've planted some really interesting seeds here and now I want to read on to find out what's the deal with these girls and what happened to them. You also gave just enough information about these girls and their situation to peek my interest while still giving me plenty to continue to learn about them as the novel progresses. I have some ideas about what might have happened with these girls, so now I want to read on to see if I'm right 
I'm usually very skeptical of prologues because they are too often used as an info-dump or as a set-up to the story and they aren't actually needed. I think I liked this prologue though
Some little things:
You have some tense issues here at the beginning. I think present works fine for this story, but you have to be consistent with it
"It's the cold crunch of snow..." or "I remember the cold crunch of snow under our feet best."
"My best friend stands..."
"We stand next to each other..."
"We're broken, and we both know it." or maybe tweak that one. I'm not sure I like how that sounds, but maybe you do
There might be a couple more instances when you switch into past tense. If the MC is talking about an event in their past then obviously you can use past to talk about that. Otherwise, stick to first. Even if the rest of the novel is going to take place at a different time than this scene, at this moment this scene is the present.
Actually, reading on again, the coffee shop scene is also in past tense. So, maybe I'm telling you wrong. Think about how you want this scene to be told. Do you want it to feel like we're in this present moment with these characters experiencing what they're experiencing right now? (Even if the rest of the story is going to be a different timeline). Or, do you want it to feel like the MC has already been through it all and now she's going to tell the story of what happened to her and her friendship with this other girl through her eyes now since she's already gone through all of it? If you want the vibe to be like the first example, write this all in present (except for when you mention an event in their past). If you want the vibe to be like the second example, write this all in past (so you would have to change some of the present stuff towards the beginning to past).
I also think you could beef up your dialogue a bit more. No matter if this is in past or present, I want to feel like I'm experiencing this moment right alongside your characters. I want to know what they're feeling and what's going through their minds as they're talking and as they go through this scene (especially the narrator). Infuse their individual personalities into how they talk. (Easier said than done).
I'm not going to go too deep into little nit-pick things because that's not always the most helpful thing for a writer. However, if you want me to go back and nitpick, I can do so!
Overall, I think this is an intriguing opening and I would be happy to read more if you are planning on posting more! If you would like me to follow this story and continue to read/review, just let me know and I'll add you to my list! I love reading contemporary YA!
I'll leave things there for now, but please let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing!
Thank you for such a constructive review! This made me really happy reading for some reason
. I'd love for you to keep reviewing! Thanks!
Awesome!! I'm glad you found the review helpful! What's the title of the story? I'll add you to my list
It's called Path of lost hearts at the moment but trying to come up with something more catchy
Hey there! I'm here to review your prologue.
My best friend stood next to me, shivering, tucking her hands under her armpits. We stood next to each other, not really sure what to say. We were broken, and we both knew.
“Should we go inside?” I ask.
You need to watch out for swapping tenses, because I noticed it a couple of times throughout the prologue. In the above group of sentences, you start in past tense and then flick to present tense. This destroys the nice flow, so just be sure to stick to either past or present.
Now, I didn’t know what she ordered any more, if it had no honey in it because, she claimed, “it was sweet enough.”
I really like your attention to detail. Something as small as whether she has honey or not creates so much emotion. Also, I wonder is the 'sweet enough' was in reference to their relationship.
“Let’s go in, I’m to cold to be out here,” I said. I opened the door and she followed me in.
I'm 'too' cold to be out here.
She sat down and took a huge swig off chai, “so should we get that roll we were both were eyeing. You know, for old time's sake.”
A huge swig 'of' chai. Also, when the speech begins, you should start a new sentence, since the swig of chai isn't a dialogue tag.
I let myself have one more chance to back out, so I thought of the months leading up to this and then I broke and shattered.
This is a nice way to end the chapter, it leaves me wanting to find out more. Especially about the way her friend reacts to this break down. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I hope this review was helpful!
Thank you for the great review! I'll let you know when the first chapters out!