Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Ash rode behind Maeron not caring where he was taking her because where ever it was, her happiness lie there. Ash just admired the sunlight catching the leaves of the trees, turning them gold and red. The wind rustled the pines and it seemed as if they were waving goodbye to her, their trusted friend.
“Goodbye,” she whispered.
She not only said goodbye to the trees where she had learned how to fight but to her and her brother's favorite training spot. She said goodbye to her brother and her mother, her old friend Caz, her beautiful house, her town, her favorite apple cakes. She said one last goodbye to her home and then let the adventure consume her.
They rode for a good hour before stopping at a small gathering of tents. Griffin hopped off his horse and a girl and boy ran out to meet them.
“Where’s the new boy?” The girl said excitedly.
She was slim and beautiful. Ash expected that the girl was excited to have a new boy among her ranks. She definitely could have any boy she wanted, Ash thought a bit bitterly.
The girl’s voice had a certain lilt to it that told you that she could control an army and her eyes were set as if she would gut whoever looked at them too long.
“Actually,” Griffin gestured to Ash.
Ash waved an awkward hand.
“Why,” the girl said disgusted, “in God’s name, do we have the beloved Marish govern-in-line here?”
Ash was not expecting that response.
“She is the protector of Maro,” Griffin said, “as well as the govern-in-line.”
“Have you gone out of your mind?” She demanded.
“Gretchen,” Maeron chastised.
“No, do not ‘Gretchen’ me!” She spat at Maeron,” This is the daughter of the most famous Govern of our history. Do not tell me that you agreed to this,” she gestured to Ash, “I mean look at her, she won’t survive two days in camp!”
“Gretchen!” Griffin chastised.
She whirled on the general, “Don’t you d-”
He cut her off to Ash’s relief, “come here,” he gestured to the empty horse next to him, “you will help with the hunt tonight. You obviously have some steam to blow off.”
She huffed and stalked over to Griffin. When she was close to Ash she hissed, “you have no idea what you're getting yourself into.”
Ash stepped back, reacting to the attack.
When Ash recovered, she said, “sometimes people judge before truly understanding a story.”
As fast as lightning, Gretchen had a knife at her throat and had pushed her up against a tree. Ash stared into those hard green eyes which pinned her down like prey.
“There is one thing you should know about me,” Gretchen said like a lover’s whisper, “I don’t like being told what to do. Especially when they tell me what I can and cannot think.”
Gretchen dropped her to the ground and Ash folded her shaking hands into her cloak. Gretchen sneered once more at the girl and mounted swiftly.
Before Ash knew it, they were gone.
Ash looked at the boys. Maeron swiftly turned, forcing Ash to stare at his Golden hair. Ash then pleadingly looked at the other boy.
“I-I’m sorry for causing...” Ash gestured to the settling dust.
He waved away her apology, “don’t worry. She’s just a wild cat.”
Ash nodded as if she understood.
He turned to go.
“Um excuse me,” Ash stepped towards him to tap his shoulder and he turned, “I um, didn’t catch your name.”
“Harper,” he gave her a sweet smile, “yours is?”
“Ash,” she smiled at Harper.
He stuck out his hand, “nice to meet you. I am truly sorry about Gretchen’s ‘warm welcome’.” He sighed, “she sometimes doesn't get the meaning of warm welcomes.”
“Ah,” she nodded and shook his hand.
She looked at the little camp and gestured towards it, “may I ask about food?”
“Yes, let me show you to our little kitchen. Leah’s on duty tonight so it’ll be good!”
He led her to the ‘kitchen’. The kitchen was where they had strung up a piece of canvas to keep the rain off a little fire ring. There sat a small, delicate looking girl with long brown hair bound in an intricate braid. She had small arms but Ash knew not to undermine them.
“Leah, this is Ash.”
Leah looked up at the girl and smiled, “welcome! I’m so sorry about Gretchen,” she turned to Harper, “I heard her temper tantrum.”
She turned to Ash, “she can be a nuisance sometimes, but we still love her.”
Leah studied Ash for a second then decided to say, “my God you looked starved. Come have some soup.”
She ladled some into a bowl and handed it to her. Leah then ladled some for herself, Harper and set aside a bowl for who Ash presumed to be for Maeron.
As they were eating, Leah turned to Ash, “you know, I’ve heard all over about the kindness of the daughter of Maro. You have made quite the title for yourself.”
“Really?” Ash said startled.
“Yes,” She turned to Harper, “right?”
Harper nodded vigorously, “it’s true,” he winked at Ash, “my lady.”
Ash laughed and said, “thank you for the food Leah,” ignoring Harper.
“Oh, you are so welcome. It was cooked just for you.”
“You didn’t,” Ash fake gasped.
“Yes, I did.”
They laughed like old friends and Ash felt at home with these two human beings. The peace was short-lived because Maeron glided in and took the bowl that was set aside for him. He took a sip and said smoothly,
“It needs more salt.”
“Shut up you pig. I cooked it so be grateful.”
He purred, “you know it’s the truth. Don’t you, Leah.”
He chuckled and took the bowl and tipped it back.
“There are or is someone watching this camp. They’re planning on trying to ambush us,” Maeron said casually.
“What?” Harper said, “and it never crossed your mind to tell us earlier?”
“Where’s the fun in that?”
“You are such a bastard sometimes.”
“I wouldn’t say that if I were you,” he said like velvet.
Harper just snarled at him and stalked off. Maeron sat back, smiling.
“What is your problem?” Leah said disgustedly.
“Oh honey, you love it.”
“You’re such a prick!”
He just laughed and Leah handed him a cloth, pointed at the dishes and stalked off to find Harper.
Ash just looked at him, not saying a word.
“You know, you stare an awful lot,” Mae said.
“Just trying to pick my battles.”
“Smart girl.”
Ash snorted, “you truly like to hear yourself talk.”
“Yes, it truly is my favorite sound,” he said matter-a-factly.
There came a crash. Ash casually placed a hand on a dagger but then she saw it was just Gretchen.
She walked straight towards Ash and stuck her hand out
“Will you forgive me, Princess?”
Ash looked suspiciously at the girl and then studied the hand, “is this Griffin’s doing?”
She snorted, “no actually, I’m trying to work on my manners. Shocker huh?”
“Yup definitely Griffin’s doing,” Ash said and shook her hand, “all is forgiven.”
“Oh thank God!” she sighed of relief, “that was hard.”
“I’m sorry I made it so hard,” Ash said with a grin on her face.
Gretchen smirked back, “maybe you won’t be too bad, princess.”
Maeron looked at them as if they had sprouted horns and heads.
“What?” Gretchen said defensively, “I can have more than one friend, can’t I?”
Mae rolled his eyes, “of course.”
Gretchen giggled and then soberly said, “Griffin told me to go back. He had some business to attend too.”
Maeron cursed softly, “was it bad?”
“No ideas,” she said sadly.
“No ideas at all?” said a silky voice from the darkness, “Gretchen, the fiercest warrior of Tal can’t think of why her dear master left her in the woods?”
Gretchen growled and stepped in front of Ash. Mae palmed a dagger and stepped closer to them.
What the hell is going on? Ash thought and placed a finger on a hidden dagger.
Like darkness itself, a sigh sounded and a male landed just outside of the firelit ring.
“Well well, what do we have here?”
The man stepped into the firelit ring. He resembled a man except for the dark wings protruding from his back.
“Mae! My fellow existed,” he said.
Mae growled at him.
“Who…?” Ash asked.
The man turned his inky stare on the girl, “and what do we have here?”
Mae stepped in front of Ash, shielding her from him, “back off monster.”
The man stiffened.
That’s a bit harsh, Ash thought.
The man recovered and then sniffed the air, “is that fear I smell?” he smiled in delight.
Ash looked at the two fierce warriors who clearly were afraid of this man. Who is he? Ash really wanted to know.
“Awe, Gretch, don’t be scared, doll,” he took one golden finger and tipped her chin up with it.
Gretchen flinched slightly and Ash wanted to scream, fight back! Don’t let this bastard get to you!
“Excuse me,” Ash pushed Mae out of the way, “stop playing with my friends!”
He laughed like midnight, “the kitten has a lion’s tongue. Interesting.”
“Sen, stay away.” Mae snarled, "and why are you here anyways?"
“Actually, it’s a funny story!” he laughed delighted at their ignorance.
He looked at Mae and said, “Griffin told me to find him when I finished his task.” he shrugged, “I got bored waiting for him back in Tal, so I decided to track him down instead. Way more interesting that way”
“God, you are a prick,” Gretchen said.
“It’s impressive isn’t it,” Sen said, “well, it looks like I'm stay a while. I'm so excited, this'll be fun! It's not your camp anymore," he laughed delightedly, "I'm part of it now too tiger.”
He snapped his fingers and his wings dissolved into shadows. He carried his half-human self next to Gretchen and sat down.
He sighed and looked at Gretchen, “I would love some soup.”
She tightened her jaw.
"Please?" he snapped his fingers again and Gretchen shakily got to her feet and got him some.
“Mmm, thank you dear,” he smiled sweetly at her.
He then turned to Mae, “she is lovely. I could see why you would want to.”
“Stay out of my mind you rat,” Mae spat.
“Oh this camp is full of such nice people,” Sen said sweetly.
“Maybe it’s because we don’t like you,” Gretchen suggested innocently.
“Keep your mouth shut, you,” he growled and she sat up straighter.
He laughed evilly, “this is nice,” he stared at Gretchen, “very, very nice.”
“Now that we are all good and happy, let me introduce myself to you princess," he said to Ash.
“I am no one's princess,” Ash snarled, “don’t you dare call me that.”
He looked stunned and Ash internally congratulated herself. She was enjoying playing his face over and over again in her mind when she felt it. It happened again, a prick as if someone was sticking a needle into her mind. She felt Sen laugh as she felt the emotion of terror sweep over her.
“You are a monster,” Ash said in horror.
As if he was slapped, the needle left.
“Y-you were in my mind,” she said, the horror never leaving her voice, “you are a monster. A wicked one too!” she almost screamed it.
“Don’t say that,” he said sharply.
She repeated herself and backed away from him. Her breath quickening. Her hand instintively produced a dagger from her cloak and held it in front of her.
“Please go,” Ash whispered.
Sen, Mae, and Gretchen stared at her as if she was crazy.
“Please.”
Sen stood up and Ash thought she won. Then instead of looking at her, he took to the sky and all Ash heard was the whisper of the wind sighing “help.”
Gretchen sighed and sat forward. Ash ran to her.
“Are you ok?” Ash asked.
“Yeah,” Gretchen mumbled, avoiding Ash’s worried gazed.
“Who the hell was that?” Ash asked Mae.
“He's the general's pet. That's what he is," Mae said angerly.
“Why didn’t you fight back Gretchen?” She asked.
“I couldn’t do anything! He was everywhere,” she turned her green eyes to Ash’s gray ones, “thank you. H-he had me...”
Her voice broke as she fought back a sob.
Ash pulled her in a hug, “maybe it’s a good thing this princess is here.”
Gretchen smiled into her cloak and she let out a sob.
Ash had a new task, and it wasn’t just to find out more about the shadowy warrior. It was to find more on existed souls because she had only heard the term once and it wasn’t good.
Hi readers! This is the first draft and I'm at a music festival right now. Please tell me what you think. Should I have written more?
Anyways, thanks for reading! What do you guys think of Sen? He's personally my favorite right now.
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Hello!
Snazzy here for a review! For the most part, this was really interesting! I was really on the edge of my seat during that last bit! Anyway, let's dive in with the review!
I think that since you are describing the girl's voice here, that it should go right after she speaks (rather than placing this paragraph after she describes the girl). It's not a huge deal, but I think it would make a little more sense if you did.
You used the same dialogue tag (with different names) twice (and relatively close to each other). I would use a different word, maybe 'scolded', or something similar? Just so it's not as repetitive.
You also tend to do the same sort of thing in other places. I noticed that you used 'just' several times in a row, and then at the end 'sob' (though only two times, they were really close to each other, almost giving the illusion of it being repetitive). I know you have a large vocabulary - so whenever you see a chance to make it not so repetitive, do it!
Now, this is technically not wrong (or at least, I don't think it's wrong), but somehow, the way you write your dialogue is slightly confusing. I would've liked to see it like this-
I feel like it's less confusing by writing the action and the dialogue as separate sentences. Again, it may technically be allowed, but I do know that the main rule of thumb is to not to confuse the reader. (Although if others review this and see no problem, it's probably just me, and you can leave it as is.
One last thing I have:
Gretchen. Even if Griffin made her apologize, she still seems too nice. It's okay to have a character that hates (who I am supposing is the good) guy, although will do anything to protect them because she is loyal. I don't know, she just seems two-sided here. Unless that's your intention, I would personally add a little more resistance in wanting to apologize, or she doesn't apologize at all (just nods, or something). Let Gretchen keep her fire - because I like it!
Anyway, overall, this was very nice! A lot of dialogue, but you didn't overload us or anything; other things were going on during the conversations.
Yeah - I am intrigued by Sen, though I really liked Gretchen in the beginning of the chapter.
Anyway, good job with this, and keep writing!
~Snazzy
Thank you! When I get out of my funk, I really want to update this chapter and want to rewrite it. I'm planning on giving Gretchen some more depth and Sen will have some more attitude. Thank you and I hope to see you around : )
Good morning, mmbmio. AnarchyWolf here to review this second chapter.
First of all, this is an interesting concept that hooked me almost instantly. These stories are my favorite kind - kids and young people surviving alone and fighting their own battles. Opening with running away from home is also a good idea. It's exciting and I felt slightly bad for her as she reminisced about home and apple cakes.
The characters are also a strong point in here, I feel. They could be described more, but on the whole they're diverse and don't seem to fit archetypes too strongly. They also compliment each other well, and their interactions are fun to read.
Now for the technical issues that I found.
Spoiler
Ash rode behind Maeron, not caring where he was taking her because, where ever it was, her happiness lay there
Did you mean underestimate? Undermine means, most commonly, to erode the base or foundation of (a rock formation), or to lessen the effectiveness, power, or ability of, especially gradually or insidiously. Underestimate means to estimate (something) to be smaller or less important than it really is.
I cooked it, so be grateful
"you know it's the truth. Don't you, Leah?"
only to see Gretchen approaching
only to find Gretchen there
It sounds too clumsy and list-like when written with the 'but then'
"Yup, definitely Griffin's doing,"
How?
he laughed, delighted at their ignorance
"way more interesting that way,"
"way more interesting that way!"
"Stay out of my mind, you rat,"
You use archaic language for your character's dialogue, like do not instead of don't and just generally not contracting the words. This is fine, if it's the effect you're going for - which actually works quite well -, but don't mix it up with phrases like she sometimes doesn't get the meaning. Instead, use she sometimes does not understand the meaning, or even just understand instead of get. Alternatively, contract all of the words that would be contracted in normal speech, and keep the dialogue modern.
You need far more description in this chapter. We, the readers, just know the bare skeleton of the character's actions and their setting - we're only being told their dialogue in-depth, and have to work out the rest from slithers of information here and there. Describe the setting, the tents, the taste of the soup and the smell of the air. Go into Ash's thoughts and let her emotions and feelings stain the narrative. Show, don't tell.
You also need to pick a main POV character here. I presume that it would be Ash, because she seems to be the main focus. Having her as your Point of View character means that we can only know what she knows, and we see everything through her. We shouldn't know what the other characters are thinking or feeling, because Ash can only make guesses at what they're thinking and feeling, so don't say that Sen was laughing at their ignorance because Ash doesn't know. He could probably be laughing at their ignorance, or perhaps laughing at their ignorance, but Ash doesn't know for sure. So we don't know for sure.
You asked about what the reader - I - feels about Sen. I don't like him, purely because of how his first impression to me is. I don't know enough to feel bad for him - I only know that he's being a bit of an idiot, plus he's slightly irritating, and messing around with the 'good' characters' minds for fun. That doesn't seem like a particularly moral thing to do to me. However, once the reader knows more about him and why he acts this way, he'll probably become a problematic favorite.
In conclusion, this is a good second chapter in which the plot progresses, and, with a bit of revision it'll become even more polished.
-AnarchyWolf