Everyone had left the party hours ago but still the shadowy figure knelt over my beautiful baby girl. He had been like this for hours and I felt like he was starting to get a little too interested in her presence.
"Nidriss, i think its time that you should go." He looked up at me and my gaze fell to the floor. "It's getting late and my arms are starting to relax from the absence of my sweet girl!"
He stood up but didn't make any signs of leaving. "She's lovely just like her mother." he said this barely audible but I still heard it.
I kept my eyes glued to the one cracked tile. I didn't want him to see the impact of his comment, he would've taken that for weakness and I couldn't afford it. If he had said that years ago it may have made me go wild but now it only made me cringe with the protectiveness of a mother.
"please look at me." He so innocently asked.
I didn't because I didn't want to feel regret from a choice I had made years ago. I didn't want to look into his lion-like eyes and see the wounded animal he tried to be. HE wasn't one, he was an out-cast of the lord. A dirty half bred mutt with wings.
"Let me show you to the door." I answered with hostility.
I turned on my heel and walked out of the room. I wasn't positive that he had decided to take my invitation to leave and had followed me. All doubt left my mind when I heard his shoe squeak on one of the polished tiles. I felt as if his eyes were burning me with his anger and I felt a need to go faster. I had to get him out of my house and away from my daughter. We walk down the long marble hall, it hasn't changed since the first time I'd met my husband and Nidriss.
I thought we were safe when we got to the front hall but when I turned to face him, he proved me wrong. I hadn't realized how close we were, so I found myself merely a foot away from him. He closed that distance between us by stepping forward closer to me then was comfortable. He then started to lean in as if to kiss me but at the last minute he came to my ear and whispered:
"Larken, I can sense them. I know you can to but you and your husband -my silly brother- keep denying all the proof that is in front of you. I wish that you'd open up your eyes and let me help you, but you're just to blinded by the past love for me. I'll watch her and wait for when she calls for help; when she's lying in a pool of sadness and tears. When she cries out in pain with questions why she can't live more. I swear on my father that I will come and there's no stopping me."
He took one last look at me. Then went out into the blissful night air like a lion after a great hunt. Leaving me with only shock, genuine fear and with the cursed shadows of my fearful thoughts.
End of chapter
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140,078 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Top of the morning there, NympheaLily here! Bet you've missed meeeeeeeeeee!
Ahem. Sorry. That was out of place. No matter, I love this beginning to your story. It seems to give a valuable element of suspense in it. There were a few capitalization and spelling errors that I found, but no biggie. Honestly, you didn't tell me you were writing more on this! Next time, shoot me a message and I can get POPPIN to reading this story. I've been quite out of it with everything going on in all but I'll be sure to read the rest of the blooming book you've been writing and as usual, it is going to become a wonderful masterpiece! Don't give up!
IF and only IF you are interested, I'm thinking of co authoring a book with someone but I don't know who to co-author it with, so I thought:
"HAAAY who better than marlowbaines?" So please get back to me on that proposal and don't forget, KEEP THOSE FINGERS TYPING!
Ciao!
~NympheaLily
Sorry, resent the form, but it was good!
Hello!
-First off, congratulations, you have nailed the prologue. Prologues are a doorway into your story and you have opened a gateway of potential with these few paragraphs.
-You had my attention the whole time. You ended it on a suspenseful note, which was good. You make lots of allusions which I hope will be elaborated as I delve further.
-You have good names. That is essential. I have nothing against a book where the main character's name might be John, or Percy(Love Rick Riordan), but a book where the main characters' names are Nidiress, and Larken? That will pull me in 10 times more often.
OK, so I got the things you did right out of the way, I;m going to go through little things I noticed now, please don't be offended.
-"please look at me" You didn't capitalize 'Please'
-When I read 'outcast of the lord" and "half-bred mutt with wings" I think of angels. I could be wrong. If I am, ignore this. If I'm not, it is essential that lord be capitalized to Lord.
-8th Paragraph down, you say, "It hasn't changed" you switch tense. This is something I do a lot, so look for it. All your writing is in past tense. The character is looking back on the events that happened. You should say 'hadn't' or maybe you might say, "It wasn't any different than when..." Get the idea?
-2nd to last paragraph
- the hyphens(Not sure what they're called in this context) should have two of them to form a long dash on either side of 'my silly brother'
-take out 'sadness and' this is something I notice a lot. If you use only one word it sounds a lot more powerful. Lying in a pool of tears sounds a bit more musical to the ear, but that's just a personal thing.
-'When she cries out with questions..." There is something missing.... maybe a preposition? Maybe add 'about' and I think you mean anymore when you say 'more'
Overall I think you have done a fantastic job, your description is excellent, and I want to read more, and I hope you realize that everything that I have corrected is small, which is good. There are no glaring issues, so I can focus on the small things!! Good Job!
-In Him
--Robbie S.
---SDG
Oh my goodness thank you so much!! This is trulely my best work and I would love if you could read my next few chapters ? It's alright if you can't and let me just say, there not as good as this. Anyways, thanks so much again and I need to go back to reedit it again. Ok and last thing, You are supposed to think of angels
that's my only spoiler.
Sincerely,
M
figured, and yes I'll read more, just not right now
Hello.
I would like to start be saying I like this. It had a good beginning, and got me wondering what it was going on that I don't know. only part I think needs to be changed it this.
I'll watch her and wait for when she calls for help; when she's lying in a pool of sadness and tears. when she cries out in pain with questions why she can't live more and I swear on my father that I will come and there's no stopping me."
Now most of this is good. Only thing confusing is, who this "her" represents. If you add one little bit clarifying this i think you are golden.
good luck
Hey Marlowbaines, it's Dreamer!
What a great Prologue! It has a great sense of mystery and emotions mixed together, which heightened my curiosity quite a bit. Your intro had a great hook, starting off with the shadowy figure, however I think you over used words when the mother was talking about her daughter. This is my personal preference of course, others may disagree. You were just missing some basic grammer, but you may just not have noticed. I'm going to nit pick just a little.
1. Dialogue by characters should have their own lines, such as,
He stood up but didn't make any signs of leaving.
"She's lovely just like her mother." he said this barely audible but I still heard it.
2. You have great text, and you have a great idea for your story but you don't need extra adverbs added. Example:
"Please look at me." He so innocently asked.
The 'so' in that line is not needed, and I think it would add so much more to the character without it, again my personal preference.
3. The text was a little choppy, but it is understandable when starting out (like me!) You may want to have someone read over your work (editor?), because you would have a second view on your story, and help you develop as a write so much more
Other than that I love it so far, and I hope that chapters will be posted soon! I hope my little nit picks didn't offend you!
Dreamer, out
oh my goodness thank you!! I'd love for you to help me write more of my story!
I wrote the next chapter! Just thought you would want to know
Hi, DamienCyfer here doing a little review.
I love how the story shows the characters emotions really well, and gives a bit of info to the characters, but not to much, as to keep some interest. I hate when prologues tell all and leave no doubt, it is better to leave that point of interest in peoples minds. In my opinion at least. I love prologues, and I think it is a bit sad that people don't pay more heed to them.
Ok. Now the point of improvement. Not much to say, but 'miss calculated' needs a hyphen. Also, mainly, I think the fluency could be improved, as well as not as much info. It is a hard act to balance to little info and to much, but to much makes it seem a bit detached from me when I read. Also some punctuation errors, like capital letters.
Other than that, hope to see a full chapter soon, well done and keep writing!
Bye
I wrote the next chapter! Just thought you would want to know
Hi marlowbaines, Felistia here with a short review.
I love the start of your story and wish there was a first chapter for me to read. I know that most people don't like prologues, but I love them and this one is a perfect start to a story. You explain the motives of the characters and their emotions very well. I think there could be more descriptions on the room the characters are in, because I find it hard to picture where they are.
Now for the negatives, you have a lot of punctuation mistakes. For example the start of your story should have a capital letter since it is the start of a sentence. You have a lot of areas where you have left out capitals. There are also some places were you left out some commas. There is this one line were I don't follow very well and I think you should construct it better. (I know you can to but you and my silly brother keep denying all the proof that is in front of you.)
Other than that it is an excellent start to a story. Well done and please post the first chapter soon. Have a great day\night.
Thank you, I'll go and do some editing tonight!
I wrote the next chapter! Just thought you would want to know
I'll get to it as soon as possible.