I was standing in a room of darkness. The only thing I could see was a strip of silver in the middle of the room. All was silent. Hopelessness lived here.
Suddenly, a burst of light blinded me. I winced and tried to find the source of light. After a moment, I saw a girl. She was light, she was beauty. I'd grown up hating angels, but I knew she was good.
The light that had blinded me, wait no, her light, was reaching for me, to shield me away from something. It felt good, it felt right. I knew in my heart that she wanted to give it to me so it would be free and I knew it was her who had called me here.
Abruptly, the light was cut short.
"You think it will be that easy to escape?" A gravelly male voice asked. "You think I'd let you escape?!? Have I not shown you what I'm capable of?!?"
I heard the male kick the girl. She whimpered but said no words.
"I'm talking to you!" A man I thought, but no, something stronger. An angel, an evil angel slapped the girl. "Shekinah, I will not stop until you tell me who the girl is!"
"Why," That one words sounded like honey compared to the man. "Why must you know who she is?"
"I must know because after I kill you, your light will go to her to finish what you have started."
"Never will you know her."
Another flair of light and I see Shekinah and her captor. Her captor was big. I don't mean by what he was wearing, no, I mean by the color of his skin and hair. They were so dark that you could barely differentiate it and the wall. He was a giant with muscles that rippled when he moved. But, by far the scariest feature was the massive wings that obtruded behind him. They were as black as night herself. They glistened and gleamed with such menace you had to look away.
The girl he held up was tiny in comparison. She was the light from the dark, beauty to hatred. Her blonde hair ran down her back like waves. Her blue eyes were two sapphires set in a pale face. The wings in her back must have been beautiful once, but now they were marred and broken.
He roared and pulled out a wicked blade. "I could kill you, you know!"
The girl looked up at him with hatred filled eyes. She did not stooped, she just glared and kept back straight. The man dropped her and she fell to her knees. He took the knife's fuller and slid it down her neck and spine.
"See? It would that easy for me to kill you and I will. Now come Shekinah, just grant me your light to find the girl and I'll set you free. Promise."
"No." The girls voice sliced through the darkness. "If you think I, the angel of Unity and Unconditional Love would help you? Then Appolion, you have become weak and foolish in your years of exile."
Appolion took his dagger and sliced her porcelain face. Red blood flowed freely from the cut.
"Do not call me a fool! I might be stripped of my full powers but I can still call my demons."
For a terrifying moment, I he was but then she looked at him with softened eyes and he stumbled. "You're in pain, your tired of the dark and want to feel the rush of happiness again."
"I don't need light or happiness. The darkness has me!" He snarled, "Unlike the light, the darkness came to me and swaddled me with what I needed most. They trained me and gave me everything that I wanted. When the light finally noticed me, it was because the darkness was coming and they knew it." He smiled but it was not beautiful but ugly and dark.
Shekinah parted her lips and looked at him with so much pity." Appolion, we missed you, I missed you. I never forgot you, love. I never forgot who you were to me."
"You don't need me! You never did!" He roared then suddenly got down on his knees and got in her face. "I showed you all my flaws, all my hurt, and all you did was shun me."
Shekinah took her hand and caressed his cheek. Appolion closed his eyes and seemed to start to relax. Then suddenly, he opened his eyes and hell fire was aglow. As fast as lightning, he took his blade and sunk it deep into Shekinah's chest.
"I break your heart like you did mine." Appolion slowly eased the blade out.
"Death won't destroy me," Shekinah fell and light blinded me.
I looked at the girl sitting next to me and I wondered. Is she the girl of light?
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter LYGHT-Chapter 2Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,080 Literary Works • 672,994 Reviews
This is Yams here for a review again!
Just a small note for the start that this chapter is in italics, though the other chapters aren't? Is this just a stylistic change or did you do this because it's in Nathan's point of view? I got confused by this for awhile as it isn't too obvious other than the title that it's a POV change. I think it'd be beneficial to put something like "Nathan" in bold in the beginning of the chapter. Or maybe that's just me, I don't know.
The characters didn't feel very real to me. They're just cardboard cutouts of "input female protagonist who is obviously much smaller than huge person but still defeats them". The way he talks about how easy it would be to kill her makes me take him even less seriously.
It's like a villain in some sort of show or book explaining everything about how they're going to defeat the protagonist and how powerful they are, though they get defeated. Even at the end of the chapter I still felt like the girl had just disappeared instead of died. I didn't /feel/ her death at all. It just felt like "oh, she used light to teleport away". It didn't have any emotional impact.
It would've been interesting if you took your own take on what angels are but also included the stuff from books in real life, too. That's just a suggestion, but you seem to be going with a sort of more leaning toward Biblical angels and how they're portrayed.
The whole chapter just feels like a whole different story from the last chapter. None of the original tone or mood is there in the scenes. Nor is the dialogue similar. It feels very off and out of place when you read these chapters and it's like "oh, is this the same story?". Hopefully the POVs will intertwine well.
Have a great day!
Hi marlowbaines, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
the beginning of the sentence was rather confusing.Nit-picks
grammar and punctuation
there needs to be a "her" between "kept" and "back.
Overall thoughts
Story plot: So this chapter was a bit confusing as it didn't directly lead on from the last chapter. Was Autumn having a dream or a vision? Anyway this chapter did dramatically advance the plot of the story.
Description: You had a lot more description in this chapter than the last one, but there is till a bit of space for more. There needs to be description mostly at the end of the chapter, since I as the reader was suddenly dropped out of the dream of vision. Who is the girl sitting next to Autumn?
Overall this was a great chapter. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
Top of the morning, NympheaLily here!
I was truly wrapped by this chapter but it could've used a little more... something. I think it could've been longer or had more of 'Nathan' in it because that's what the chapter is called. I saw a few punctuation and spelling errors but I'm sure it was because you were typing very fast. I feel like this will be important later on, but it could've used a lot more in the sense of being in Leyla's world where she has friends and isn't in a dream world where everything is confusing...
I really liked the story but it could've used a little more... spice. Like paprica or cayenne or something like that. Maybe even ghost pepper if you're daring enough. Don't actually put cayenne pepper on your keyboard though, that would be a mess. Well, I think I've reviewed enough, so keep me posted by sending me a message or posting something on my board. And alway remember to KEEP THOSE FINGERS TYPING!
Ciao!
~NympheaLily
I should explain this chapter. This chapter is short and random for a reason and you will see that soon. Thanks for the review though and I'll look into it.