my daddy tells me that
everything i do,
every choice i make
is based on what he taught me
-
his chest is puffed out
and his eyes are filled with pride,
and i knew he means
it in the best way
-
but i struggle with the concept,
the idea that my actions
are not my own
and i hate it
-
and i pondered on that thought
for longer than i should have
i felt myself tear it apart
and analyze every letter
-
it haunted the back of my mind
for months, and gave me a horrible feeling
of no control over
anything
-
this is not the first time
i have struggled with this
concept of no hold
on my life
-
fate
god
society
family
-
and i reached a conclusion
as i always have
one that sooths my
panicking mind
-
i rebel against the thought
that i am not my own
i rip down the idea
that someone else
controls me
-
i rebel against the idea
that god controls my life
i rip down the idea
of depending on someone
i can’t see
-
i rebel against the idea
that my life is planned out
i rip down the idea that i can be
cut out any time
-
i control me
i make my success
i make my life better
or worse
-
me
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
I am in love with the power of this poem. I am obsessed with freedom, my own and all others. I hate not being in control of my life, my body, my decisions. I like the way that the poem transitions from you being unsure of yourself and your freedom, and then knowing that you can be whatever and whoever you want to be. "I rebel against the thought that I am not my own" is probably my favorite line, it holds the most strength to me. Loved this poem
Hey RedHood here hoping I could write you a review!
I love the idea that you are rebelling and being who YOU want to be. I think that a lot of people today kind of lose sight of that.
Something I would think about looking over are the following:
The wording here seems a little weird. Maybe work with the punctuation that way it could become clearer on what you were trying to say.
Think of how the punctuation could effect the poem. It helps the reader understand the writing better. Something to think about it the title. I like it but to me it doesn't really hook me into the poem. Something I would try is to come up with something that may not necessarily be mentioned in the poem. That way it makes the reader wonder what the connection is between the title and the poem, intriguing them to read it.
looking at this part in the poem
I don't know if I personally like the word ponder. To me it seems kinda out of place. maybe you could say that you drifted on the thought. or something like that.
I hope that this helps and I can't wait to read more from you!
RedHoodWriter
Hello! I am here to give a review!
) that you should use punctuation.
~
I believe that overall this was a great poem! I love the concept that you cover!
A few problems. First of all, you should always capitalize the letter I. Also capitalize the first word in a line, even if it doesn't start a new sentence. I am not sure about this (check with someone more experienced in poetry writing
Also, when you said "I rebel against th dea that God controls my life" you didn't finish the words the and the word idea.
Here is a website about grammar in poetry I found. (Honestly I need to work on this myself.)
http://www.writingforward.com/poetry-wr ... ry-writing
Overall good work and please keep writing!
Hey mintanchor! It's unknown here for a review! (Love your avvie by the way!)
Overall, I think this is a great poem! The idea of a controlling father and the daughter wanting to be her own person was something I could kinda relate to- and that's good! The reader can relate to your poem and can connect to it in a more deeper level.
However, I would have liked to see more figurative language like metaphors or imagery so we, the readers can imagine it better in our minds.
Also, in my opinion, the choice of capitalization may distract some people from the meaning of the poem rather than it flowing together- but that's just me. By all means, you can ignore this.
Tiny nitpick: "i rebel against the dea that God controls my life"
idea*
All in all, this is a good poem! I hope to read more from you! Keep writing!
Hi!
The idea of your poem is great- it shows the relationship a girl has with her father deeper than what is on the outside.
What I got from the poem is that in a way, she resents her father for not letting her be who she is and be her own person because everything good she does he takes the credit for.
I really like
I like this line because it opens the poem with the conflict. It shows that she has learned from her father which could be a good thing, but it is actually used to her disadvantage because she wants to be her own person.
How you end it with
is awesome because it is the exact opposite of what you opened with and that shows the writers change.
The only thing I would say is to get someone to check over your work after you finish to watch out for simple mistakes and spelling errors! (analyze not analyse)
Great work!!!