Warm arms securely around my body,
Skin tingling from every glance that he gives
Feeling as though the clouds piling up in my mind,
Have finally releases inches of pouring emotion.
My muscles tense up, alert and confused, then
I remember that this feeling,
Of spinning in a world standing still,
and it is pulsed through my blood,
Igniting every cell with flames,
Feeling alive and bright
My eyes flash with every color
Lips unsure of what to do until,
A wave of soothingness washes over me
With his touch, all reasoning is gone
All this, from a kiss.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,808 Reviews
Hi mintachor, its Navy CDR here for a review! First impressions, It was amazing! I have never read a more detailed poem/story on a kiss! It was so descriptive and deep, It was great for something that is so special. It feels like a slow motion poem, which for the occasion is perfect!
I like the part where ["Skin tingling from every glance that he gives
Feeling as though the clouds piling up in my mind,
Have finally releases inches of pouring emotion."]
You get to feel the emotion and nervousness of the main character. It gives so much detail on the person's feelings.
["Igniting every cell with flames,
Feeling alive and bright"]
I love this quote because she goes from the nervousness to the bright excitement from her partner's lips coming in contact with hers. I think this was a great poem i didnt see anything wrong with it! Good Job keep up the work!!
Hi,
Note: I will not follow the flow of your poem in these numbers.
CAUTION...
***REVIEW STARTS HERE***
I love this topic personally because I don't kiss any people yet. You bring some images in this poem. For me, they are quite appropriate and good. However, they're not vivid enough for true images to appear. A few images, however, I find are quite blurry and confusing. This could lead to endless questions...
Spoiler
I
How can skin tingle?
II
Why, from a hug, the muscles tense up? I know why they tense up but the real question: why are they alert and confused. By the way, to make the structure of the poem parallel and good, replace "alert" with "alerted" because "confused" has the "ed" in it. Of course, the meaning would change a bit, but for me they are almost similar and unnoticeable for some people. And plus, don't use a comma before "then". Instead, use a semicolon or a period or add an "and" after your comma.
III
This spinning is quite not quite right, I guess? I know the meaning of this, but...but I'd would rather not to use it. Of course, that applies to me and not to you. Old rule: Think twice.
IV
Diction! Remember! Diction!
Okay, feeling is not the best word here. Besides, you had used many of it. Try to be more accurate and creative. Thesaurus makes a friend...but friend is friend. It could be cruel or kind; troublesome or helpful. Choose words that you had familiar with that say exactly what you mean. Old rule: Avoid redundancy.
V
This applies the same for the previous one about the word, feeling. You can say flying or whatever. However, that's not the fault of this line. The thing is "alive". You used this word on your title and that makes this word super highlighted. Right, maybe not "super", but try to derive its meaning. If you couldn't, please change to another word instead. Next, the word "bright". It seemed you explained it a little on the next line, but perhaps, that makes this even more monochrome. Another old rule: Don't rush.
VI
What reasoning?
VII
This may be the last of the "few" images I found wrong. Sorry for my sarcasm. Nothing much here. It's good. Flashing sure is good. But with "every color"? My current state of mind is quite darky and gloomy. So this "every color" makes me think only towards darkness. It's okay, but it makes the images unstable. Last old rule: Least may be best.
>>>>>CHANGING TOPIC<<<<<
Moving on, I love the way this poem flows. To me, it seems like the start is soft and then a little hard and then harder and then it begins to look soft. This is good for the ending. As felista said,
The word "kiss" maybe the thesis of your poem. It's like your vital point of the poem. But then, you somehow left something "untied". Kiss is magic, I know. But care to explain its magic in a logical way... I know you previously had, but then, try to do it "logically". Some may don't experience kiss...like me.
A little note on the rhyme and rhythm and whatever you could them. This is a free-verse poem. You make this filled with rhythm--meter in simple word. I scanned this poem and I like it. This is the part you await...HOWEVER, do you have in mind what would be its meter? Of course, it's not that-so-so important, but it's the one that colored your poem. For me, it needs correction. What correction? Perhaps, your choices of words. Pick them carefully. Cut empty words.
***IN A NUTSHELL***
I'll wrap up this review by a little nitpicking, but I won't point them down. Use correct verb tenses. Careful with the tricky -ed -en verb endings. And a question, is "soothingness" exist?
Okay, ignore me...right...now...I'm...mad...kidding!
Perhaps, consider again your title, please?
Overall, sweet. Thanks for sharing. I'm interested. Keep writing...more poems and stories or whatever you love to write!
Happy poe~ing.
~Memo
P/s:
"cell" should be "cells", right? Because most words after "every" contain it.
Hi Felistia here with a short review.
Wow that was very well described. You used such beautiful words and the feelings are very colourful. I like how you described almost every sense. The poem has a nice flow and the ending is very good. It is a nice way to tie it off. Well done and I am looking forward to more of your work. Have a great day\night.
Absolutely beautiful writing form and topic. The use of adjectives in this puts me in the poem. There are only a few minor punctuation things, and replacing some words would make it more elaborate, but this is already pretty good. I personally love poems, so reading this is a pleasurable experience. Are poems your forte, or was this just a touch of the range you can do? Keep up your writing, please, because I would love to see more of your new work.