z

Young Writers Society


12+

Sleeper part 4

by maverymadams


I took a step back and looked up at Ethan. "What do you mean you chose me?" I asked.

He took a deep sigh and looked me in the eyes, I could hardly focus on what he was saying, because every time I look in his eyes I get lost. "Whenever someone new comes in the house Alastair shows us a picture and a description of the person. When I came here no one picked me, I don't know exactly why but I am glad that no one didn't. Then when you showed up, no one wanted to chose you, but I saw something in you." He said.

"But why does everyone have to be with someone?" I asked.

"So we all have someone to look after and be responsible for. Someone to help us along the way as we learn more about ourselves and have someone to train with." He explained.

"Okay, so I'm your "other half" I guess, or whatever, but what was that kiss?" I asked.

"I don't know. I just wanted to I guess." He said.

"Well, I think I should go eat something." I said.

"Okay, kitchen is this way, come on." He said as he took my arm and led me down the hall. We walked in silence until we arrived to the kitchen. It was huge, it looked like a professional chefs kitchen. There were three stainless steel refrigerators, along with beautiful marble counters surrounding it. The cabinets looked like oak or something even more fancy. For being an undercover base to hide sleeper agents they sure have a lot of fancy stuff. I walked over to the pantry which was as big as my room from my house.

"Damn, you guys have a lot of stuff." I said.

"Yeah, well there are like 20 of us living here. How about I make you my favorite dish, macaroni and cheese with cut up hot dogs in it?" He asked.

"Sure, that sounds good." I replied. I sat down on a stool chair by the island. I just watched him cook. There was something so familiar about him. It's just weird to think that I've been here just for a few days and he treats me like he has known me our entire lives.

"Here you go, enjoy!" He said as he handed me the bowl. I nodded back, and looking down at the food, it made me feel at home. He sat down next to me as we both ate. It was absolutely delicious! Considering its kind of been the only food I've had to eat since I've been here.

"God Ethan, this is so good! When I saw it, something felt familiar about it, now I remember. When I was sick my mom would make this for me. It's the only thing I would eat." I said.

"I'm glad you like it! My mom made this a lot to. I remember..." Ethan was still talking but his voice was fading away. I stopped eating and looked up at him and he was moving farther and farther away. My head was spinning, then everything went black.

"They're coming to get her any day now Steven. They think she is the 'one', what do you think?" My mom asked my dad.

"I don't think so, they are wasting their time. She isn't special, I would hardly even consider her a sleeper agent. Why do we always get stuck with the dumb girls?" My dad asked.

"She isn't dumb. He said he would be giving her a test before she went off to work." My mom said.

"Yeah, if she passes." My dad said.

After my dad said that it felt like I was being pulled away from them. Things were getting blurry and their voices were fading. Soon all I heard was my name, it kept getting louder, and louder.

"Maya! Kevin, go get Alastair, something is wrong with Maya. Maya, please wake up." Ethan said. As I opened my eyes I saw Ethan holding my head on his lap, and from the looks of it, I was on the floor. My eyes stung and my head felt like someone had hit me with a hammer.

"Ethan?" I asked.

"Oh my god, Maya!" He said as he brought me into his chest and hugged me. I could hear his heart beating, it was so fast, then it was slowing down, but his body was trembling. "I didn't know what happened to you. I was making us food, and you were starting to tell me something then you passed out. What happened?" He asked frantically. Before I could answer Alastair came rushing in and fell to the floor by my side.

"Ethan what happened to Maya?" He asked.

"She passed out, but I don't know why. Her body was shaking the entire time, at first I thought her was having a seizer but I don't think that's what it was." Ethan explained. I slowly sat up, and rubbed my eyes to get the stinging pain away.

"I had a flashback, or something I guess. When I started talking about my parents, I then saw them. I was watching them talk as I was in bed." I said.

"What were they talking about?" Alastair asked as he pulled me up.

"Well, they kept talking about some guy coming to get me and to test me." I said. I looked around the kitchen and I saw, what looked like everyone who lived in the house. I felt like a freak, but I couldn't be the only one who has passed out in the kitchen before, I hope. "I don't know who they were talking about though."

"Interesting. Everyone here has had their mind blocked from the memories of when they were on a mission or turned on as sleeper agents. And sometimes doing things that they did when they were agents will trigger a flashback, but it looks like in your case, it's when you are reminded of a childhood memory." Ethan said.

"Childhood memory?" Alastair and I both asked.

"Yeah, she was talking about when her mom made this dish when she was sick. That's when she passed out." Ethan explained.

"Well, if you truly want more answers, it looks like the only way is to either recall memories, or go back to your house and that could possibly trigger some memories." Alastair said.

"Going back to her house could be dangerous. From the sound of it, her parents knew what she was, they could have the place protected." Ethan said.

"I'll do it." I said.

"Maya, are you sure about this?" Ethan asked me.

"If it will help me find out more about who I am, I'm up for it." I said.

"Alright, I will get things set up and you and Ethan will leave tomorrow morning." Alastair said. Alastair left the kitchen and I left to go pack some things for the trip. Ethan came running to me as soon as I left.

"Maya, are you sure about this? It could be dangerous, what if your parents saw you?" Ethan asked.

"They won't see me. We will wait until they leave, then go in and just pack some stuff up from my room." I said.

"I'm still not sure about this." He said to me. I walked up to him and held his hands. I loved the times we just stood there and stared at each other. I could look into his eyes forever.

"As long as you are gonna be with me, I will be fine. As you said before, we are together to protect each other and that's what we are gonna do." I told him.

"Okay, but promise me that you will listen to everything I say. I have more experience with this kind of stuff, so no going off on your own." He said.

"I promise Ethan. Now, let's get my memory back." I said.

"Well, if you are really sure about this, then we have some training to do." He replied.

"Training? What are you talking about?" I asked.

"Follow me." He said.


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524 Reviews


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Sun Jan 31, 2016 8:26 am
felistia wrote a review...



Hi maverymadams, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful review day. :D

Sorry about it being late, but better late then never right. :D

Story: Ooo it is getting more and more interesting by the chapter. By the way I totally agree with @Elinor on the making the story and novel. It would give you more room to expand on the universe the characters are in. :D

Characters: I am connecting to the characters more and more, so that now I really feel like I know them. The main character is still a bit of a mystery, but that's what makes her more interesting to read about. Your dialogue as always is great and the descriptions of the characters feelings are wonderful. :D

Description: Your description is okay. It paints a visible picture of what the character look like and what they are doing, but there's now interest to it. No snap, bang, pop. I would suggest adding more snappy words like in this sentence (It was absolutely delicious!) you could describe the flavours (It was absolutely delicious, the rich, meaty taste bouncing all around my mouth) Also what you could do is maybe add some comparisons like in this sentence (There were three stainless steel refrigerators, ) you could write (There were three stainless steel refrigerators standing taller than my head,) Just suggestions. :D

Small problems: I couldn't find any problems with punctuation or grammar as far as I could tall. So well done.

Over all a great chapter and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D
P.S Please tag me for the next part when you post it. :D




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Mon Jan 18, 2016 4:52 pm
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Elinor wrote a review...



Hi Mavery,

The plot thickens! Please let me now when you post future parts to this, and I promise it won't take me as long as it did the first time to get caught up with them.

I like where this story is headed, although, after the reveals in this part, I'm wondering as to whether you want this to be a short story or a novel. You have it posted in short stories, but I feel like it could be either. A novel, or even a novella, would give you more space to sink your teeth into the atmosphere of this story and these characters. Or even if it's still going to be a short story, I feel like these reveals are happening too quickly, and not happening organically.

There's an old adage in writing that I'm sure you've heard countless times before - show, don't tell. Readers are smart, and they can pick up on things. Say Ethan makes the mac and cheese with the cut up hot dogs. Then Maya eats it, and it feels familiar, comforting, but she can't put her finger on why. As a reader we would know that it has some significance to her past, but because we don't know why, we want to keep reading.

Also, four parts in and there's a lot about the rest of the story that I'm unsure about. It would be interesting to dive more into the underground facility, how these sleeper agents are trained, etc, etc. Anything to build a richer world.

Keep going with this. It has a lot of potential and I'm excited to see where it goes. Again, keep in the loop and I promise it won't take me as long to get back to you!

Best x





Stories don't end because you stopped paying attention.
— SJ Whitby