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Young Writers Society


12+ Language Violence

Sleeper

by maverymadams


Life is supposed to be simple, you grow older, go to school, get a job, get married, and live the apple pie life. Although sometimes life isn't as simple as you would think or hope. For sixteen years I have lived in the same town, same house, with my family, you could say I was a normal teenage girl; key word; 'was'. Not anymore, my story begins with waking up on the cold pavement floor in a room I have never been in before.

As I opened my eyes, I looked around to try to make sense of where I was. The room was dark, small, and it smelled like a sewer. I started to get up when I felt a cold, thick, and sticky liquid on my hands. I looked down and found laying in a puddle of blood. I quickly checked myself to see if it was from me, but when I looked more at it, I realized there was too much blood here to be my own. This was someone else's blood. I wanted to scream, actually it would be normal for a girl to scream when she found herself in a puddle of blood, but for some reason this didn't feel that strange, it felt like I had been through this before. I then tried to think, 'when was the last time I was lying in blood?' but I couldn't remember.

"I don't know remember anything." I said in a hushed tone.

I thought really hard, and the only thing I could come up with, was I remember going to sleep, in my own room, and I think it was a Tuesday or something but I couldn't remember anything after that. I walked around the room to see if I could find anything that could help me, or at least give me a clue where I was. Something caught my attention from the corner of my eye, it was a large beautiful mahogany desk, and on that desk there was a note.

'Hello Maya, this may all seem quite strange, but I want to assure you that you are safe here. If you look to your left you will find a large bookcase. If you move William Shakespeare's Julius Caesar, the shelf will move and you will find a secret entrance and there will be everything you need to freshen up. I would hurry, Ethan will be there to escort you to dinner at 7:45.     

      -Alastair

"A secret entrance? Where am I, Hogwarts?" I asked myself.

I walked over to the bookcase and moved the book, and the floor started to shake and rumble and then the bookcase moved to the left and an opening to a bathroom appeared. I found towels, soap, shampoo, everything I needed to get clean. Normally I wouldn't take a shower in a random place I have never seen before, but the smell of the blood was getting worse.

After a long, hot shower I got out and I found a lovely dress on a hook right by the shower, and it wasn't there when I got in the shower. The dress was floor length, with light blue tulle covering it, with a hint of purple weaved through the dress. It fit perfectly, and there were also these gorgeous four-inch silver heels. I combed my hair and went back into the room where I was before. The room was completely different, the blood was gone, there were flowers everywhere and the moonlight was shining through the window, that I didn't know was there. I went over to the desk to find the biggest bouquet of flowers I have ever seen.  As I picked up the flowers I was startled by the knock on the door, that also wasn't there when I woke up.

"Maya, are you ready?" Said the mystery voice. It was deep and brooding, but had a soft tone to it. I slowly walked over and opened it to find a tall, well dressed, attractive guy that looked around my age. He had dark brown hair and emerald green eyes. "My name is Ethan, I am here to escort you to dinner."

"I'm not going anywhere until you tell me where I am and what's going on here!" I demanded.

He offered his hand and said, "If you please come with me, all will be explained. You can trust me Maya."

I took his hand and followed him down the mysterious hall. This hall was filled with artwork, things I have never seen or heard of before. I wanted to ask Ethan, but I was too nervous about where we were going. We entered what looked to be a dining room. There was a long oak table in the middle of the room, with tall royal looking chairs. The table was set with silk sheets and china plates.

"This is beautiful." I said. Ethan led me to the table and pulled out the chair for me and pushed it in as I sat down. I thought he would sit next to me, but he sat across the table from me. Next the room filled with different couples. Each arm in arm, one girl and boy, dressed very elegant. All the guys did exactly what Ethan did with me and the chair. As everyone was seated the room filled with silence, then he entered. A tall man dressed in a tuxedo like all the other guys, but he was much older and used a long black cane to walk.

"Welcome my children." He said.

"Thank you Alastair." Everyone said together.

"Tonight is a special night, we have a new member, her name is Maya Hemming. Why don't you introduce yourself?" Alastair said.

I shook as I rose. I didn't know why I was here, what was I supposed to say. Ethan said everything would be explained but nothing had been. "I was promised answers. I woke up not even two hours ago in a puddle of blood, and then things magically appear out of nowhere?" I said.

"Please relax Maya. I will explain if you just give me sometime." Alastair replied.

"No, forget this! I'm leaving!" I yelled. I stormed out of the room and ran down the hall. I didn't know where I was or where I was going but anywhere would be better but here. I ran for a few minutes and then I was forced to a stop, but a wall. There was no way out.


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Mon Jan 18, 2016 4:16 pm
Elinor says...



Hi Mavery!

I so apologize for the delay in getting back to you about this. I just finished the first week of my spring semester at college, so it's been really busy. But I'm here now! As per your note, I really like Cade, but Ethan works too! It's up to you.

I like this a lot. The description you've added does a good job of drawing the reader into the world of the story. Before I get into the meat of the review, I just had a quick note about how you format your dialogue.

"I don't know remember anything." I said in a hushed tone.


When you're writing a line of dialogue, that includes a dialogue tag, you're not writing two separate sentences. It's one. So it would be "I don't remember anything," I said in a hushed tone. That goes for the rest of the dialogue in the piece. The only time you would include a period is if the speaker were to say something after the dialogue tag.

So:

"I don't remember anything," I said in a hushed tone. "None of this makes any sense."

In my first review I linked to you an article about punctuation within dialogue. Do take a look at that, it's really helpful.

If I were you I would cut the first paragraph and go straight into having her waking up without knowing what's going on. It makes for a much stronger hook. The first paragraph as it stands is a bit too cutesy for me.

My other main comment (and this extends throughout the entire piece) is that Maya doesn't seemed nearly as creeped out by all of this as she should be. Look, I'm a girl. I like wearing pretty clothes, and I especially like dressing up. But if I were to wake up in a strange room with no memory of how I got there, and someone instructed me to put on a ballgown and high heels, I would be weary.

I think there's potential in that, when Ethan/Cade comes in, she could feel like she trusts him but not quite know why. You, and the audience in turn, would know that it's because she's attracted to him. But her decision to put on the dress and the heels and to follow him would feel natural even though she's very skeptical.

I hope this all makes sense and I apologize for the delay once again! You did a great job revising this.

Onto part 2!




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Fri Jan 08, 2016 5:55 am
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felistia says...



This is much better. I will read part two as well. :D




maverymadams says...


I have been contemplating the name of the main guy, I went with Ethan because I couldn't think of anything but what do you think about Cade? I wanted a name that meant bravery or loyalty to others but I couldn't find one that I liked. What do you think?



felistia says...


I personally like Ethan. :D



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Fri Jan 08, 2016 12:18 am
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Sevro wrote a review...



Oooooh, maverymadams, I really hope you write a sequel or a follow-up short story to this one, I'm excited to see how this ends. If you have already written one and posted it, well I'm an idiot.

The suspense, and descriptions made me really be able to see the room, and the blood, and the dress. Your imagery was top notch awesome. Great job with that. The way you wrote the dialog was...interesting. It felt weird to read, but maybe I wasn't in the right mindset. I'm not sure. I found it odd that Maya would comment on the beauty of something that scares her so much. She is obviously confused and angry, but yet she finds it in herself to call the place of the person who kidnapped her, beautiful? I'm not sure that flows, in the reader's mind.

Otherwise, this was very good, mad I look forward to that hypothetical follow-up^^

~Caterpickle




maverymadams says...


I just wanted to end it there but don't that is not the end.



maverymadams says...


I posted the next work. It's called sleeper 2



Sevro says...


Thanks for notifying, I'll check it out ^^!!



maverymadams says...


I have been contemplating the name of the main guy, I went with Ethan because I couldn't think of anything but what do you think about Cade? I wanted a name that meant bravery or loyalty to others but I couldn't find one that I liked. What do you think?



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Thu Jan 07, 2016 10:10 pm
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Psychologicaltorment wrote a review...



Very gripping! The plot line is enticing and I couldn't help but keep reading until I got to the end. Great uses of suspense and language techniques to engage your audience. I hope you continue to write in this dark and mysterious manner as I,for one, love this kind of intriguing story. Furthermore the way you have utilised the lack of knowledge about the characters and withheld information from the audience makes for a gripping and enticing story for dark-minded such as myself.




maverymadams says...


Thank you so much! It means a lot.



maverymadams says...


I posted the next part. It's called sleeper 2



maverymadams says...


I have been contemplating the name of the main guy, I went with Ethan because I couldn't think of anything but what do you think about Cade? I wanted a name that meant bravery or loyalty to others but I couldn't find one that I liked. What do you think?



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Tue Jan 05, 2016 10:35 am
felistia wrote a review...



Hi maverymadams, Felistia here with a review on your story.
Firstly welcome to YWS, I hope you have a great stay. :D

Story: So I read below that you meant this as a dream, if so I would recommend making it a short story since it is probable not going to be a novel. You have a very interesting set up going on and you leave me in a bit of mystery at the end, but the way you start the story needs a bit of work. If you wrote it in such a way that it is Maya that thinks all that stuff in the first paragraph it would help the reader connect with the character a bit more. You might start the first sentence like this (I woke to find my self in a puddle of dark red liquid. The odour wafting from the sticky slim was so foul there are no words to describe it.) If you tell it from her perspective it might help make the story more interesting and read a bit better, just as a suggestion. :D

Characters: We have two characters Maya and Hunter. As the reader I don't get much out of Hunter, but you have a lot of opportunity for Maya. I don't really feel her fear. I know that she is afraid, but I don't feel it as much as I should. Maybe putting in some feelings like is she claustrophobic or is she scared of the dark. Put in some personal feelings that only she would know about. Other than that she is quite an interesting character and the dialogue is great. :D

Description: Your description in here is quite good and I have a full picture in my mind of what is going on around the characters. You include smell, sight and sound really well. :D

Small problems: There should be an is between (that) and (what) (That what happens to Maya when she finds herself).

And that is all from me. I hope I have been of use and I look forward to your next piece of writing. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D




maverymadams says...


I know it needs a lot of work. I just wrote it down and wanted to see what others thought to help me work on it. Thank you so much for your review!



maverymadams says...


I fixed a lot of it. I don't know if you have seen the updated version yet. I also posted a second part.



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Tue Jan 05, 2016 3:47 am
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Elinor wrote a review...



Hi maverymadams,

My name is Elinor, and I'm here to give you a review! Welcome to YWS! I hope that you've enjoyed your stay thus far.

I think this short piece has a lot of promise, but I'm going to be frank. It needs work. Since you categorized this under Novel/Chapter, I'm assuming that it's supposed to be a part of a larger story. I think it will work best that way, as you will have the opportunity to take what you've set up here in an interesting direction.

Like I said, it's an interesting premise, but it didn't grab me in the way that I felt it should. Firstly, I just want to comment on the transition from second person to third. The beginning feels very tell-y and like something say when you're describing this story idea to people, but not something that would be in the actual story. You want to have a sense of mystery, and just having her wake up, with no memory of how she got there, would be a lot stronger of an opening.

Secondly, there are a couple of grammatical errors. First, spell out numbers. So 10 becomes ten. There should be a new paragraph for each piece of dialogue spoken by a different person. And I'd also recommend you read this.

And finally - where the story leaves off. It feels a bit unsatisfying. Obviously, if this was a complete novel, you'd go right to the next chapter, but even then I'd try to let it go for a little bit longer and really let us take in the atmosphere of the story.

I hope this helps. Please let me know if you have any questions!

Best,
Elinor x




maverymadams says...


This was literally me just writing about a dream I had. I know it's not at all done or very good, it's just a draft. I actually didn't even mean to publish it but once I saw it I just let it slide. I appreciate the help and I will definitely work on it. Thanks. And pasting my work onto her makes it all jumbled up so I really need to work on editing it.



maverymadams says...


fixed a lot of it. I don't know if you have seen the updated version yet. I also posted a second part.



Elinor says...


I have not! I'll get to it as soon as I can :)



maverymadams says...


I have been contemplating the name of the main guy, I went with Ethan because I couldn't think of anything but what do you think about Cade? I wanted a name that meant bravery or loyalty to others but I couldn't find one that I liked. What do you think?




This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper.
— T.S. Eliot