So I sat down
in front of the writing desk
and piled all the letters, that were spread all over it
and placed some neat, white sheets of paper
because I felt a strong urge to write
something which was right
and without the grammatical flaws
because my friend once told
that I was pretty bad at tense(s)
and thus, I was tensed
to create something that was nice
and beyond the scope of being criticized.
-----
So I blankly
gaped at the dark
unlit corner of my room,
sucked at the tip of my pen
and waited for some source of inspiration , to come
but nothing happened.
Only the darkness seemed to grow dense,
and denser,and cover
me all over
like a blanket
of thoughts
that randomly pointed to
random things like how to
undo the mistakes that I committed
in the past?
or will he ever change ?
or will my love ever last?
I decided not to drift away with any of them
and waste my time
because that was certainly not something that I
was looking for.
For about thirty four
times I wrote a word
or another
but scribbled
it over
and struggled
to achieve the final draft
of all my thoughts which still drifted
on worthless things,
things that never mattered.
------
So I sat down
and kept sitting there
feeling sad
about that
I can't even write a thing and
how am I going to judge people and
their works.
I felt sad
because I remembered that poet
whose poem made me overwhelmed
and, inspired me to write something.
I still waited for an inspiration to come
but, alas, still, nothing happened.
---------
So I closed the notebook and the pen
and dozed off, there, sitting in my den.
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Canary word: Present
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125,806 Literary Works • 672,934 Reviews
Hey! Happy Review Day! I'm here to review =)
I love it when I relate to speakers/characters in a poem/story. It makes them more real to me. And that's how I feel now. I feel like I can relate to the speaker when it comes to writing. There times (like now) where I want to write so freaking bad, but I can't because I'm too uninspired or something. I know how you feel, Speaker! I really do!
I liked the flow of the poem; it was nice. I think your only problem is misplacing commas or adding too much spaces between question marks or commas. Here, I'll show you what I mean =P
There's a reason why I'm quoting both of these lines. See, at first I was only going to comment about the first one, about how there shouldn't be a comma there and how the space between the word "inspiration" and "to" should lessen. But then I saw the second line and thought, well, what if you were trying to put the comma after the word "come" and made a mistake? Like I was wondering if you were trying to say:
"and waited for some source of inspiration to come,
but nothing happened."
You know what you were trying to say; I don't. So if you didn't mean to add a comma, I'd throw it out, but if you did, then look to my suggested revision. You don't have to use my suggestion; use it as you wish =P
Lessen the space between the question mark and the word "change."
I think you should throw out the word "still." Mostly because I feel like the word "alas" is enough. But if you want, you can still keep it =P Ignore me.
Overall this was nice. It's easy to relate to and that's mostly why I enjoyed it so much. Nice job! =)
I like this!
One thing, though, the 'So I' in the third stanza isn't in bold print. I think it was really cool how you did that (I mean making the repeated phrase bold), it kind of gives the poem a voice, or a personality, or something like that.
Also, I don't see how exactly you managed to 'close the pen' in that last stanza. Sounds cool, could you show me how to do it?
You said 'For about thirty four times' in the middle of the poem. I don't know if that was intentional or not, but it's a little confusing. Maybe try something like 'For thirty four minutes' or just drop the 'For'?
One last thing, in the third stanza you said 'feeling sad about that'. I think it would be more grammatically proper if you said 'about how'. (Did I sound smart there? Please?)
This is a really cool poem. And, by the way, the best way to write a good poem (for me anyway) is usually to read other people's dramatic poems for inspiration, then pick a topic (like 'memories', 'death', 'friendship', etc.) and just write random related words, anything that you associate with the topic. After the first few lines, some sort of structure or flow will probably begin to appear. I can usually come up with some shockingly profound stuff this way. And it's a scientific fact that the more you have written on your paper, even if it's just random stuff, the easier it will be to write.
Hope this helps, and isn't just me rambling on!
I hope this isn't how you really feel! All writers struggle at some point, and all writers get better if they persevere. I've churned out some pretty shocking writing in the past, but I've improved because I kept going. Don't think that you can't do the same because, for the record, I really liked this poem. It seemed to capture the helplessness that I think all of us have felt at some point.
Remember, you're not writing in order to be flawless, you're writing because you enjoy it. And you're here, on YWS, because you want to improve.
Pan.
Well I was pretty bored at that time and didn't really have any idea on what to write. So I just kept writing whatever came to my mind.
I'm happy with what it finally turned out to be like, not too bad I can say
You're absolutely right, even I always keep on telling the same, I am here to improve.
And thanks for the review.
The poem was nice. It showed how people struggle to write something decent. I mean, to some people it comes easily, but for the rest of us we struggle and have to focus and think of what to say next. I didn't see any spelling or grammatical errors so that's good. I would like to point out a few things.
1) "and denser,and cover
me all over" (20)(21)
There is nothing wrong with these lines, but I would like to suggest you put them together. It would flow better for the reader. Same thing with these two lines that came right after those two.
"like a blanket
of thoughts" (22)(23)
2) "om my thoughts which still drifted" (41)
I think this was a typo on your part, but I can be wrong. The 'om'? I think you meant 'All', not really sure though.
3) "So I sat down" (440
Another thing you might not have noticed is that you didn't write 'So I' of the second to last stanza in bold.
Oh yes, it was a typo. It actually meant 'all' and not 'om'.
Guess I should've been a little more careful.
Alright, I agree, if these : "and denser,and cover
me all over" would have been in the same line, it would have provided a better flow to read.
Thanks for the review mate!
No problem at all. It was a god read. : )