Hands are drenched in the red shade of hate
That was mercilessly sucked out of my body.
There's no end to the pain and the rain
That's pouring down and burning me alive.
Your words cause my ear to bleed
And you destroy everything that took years to rise.
Your teeth drip bluish black fiercy flames when you laugh
When you start something, everything stops.
Pull me out, pull me out, you pull me out
And throw me on the cold dead ground.
I hear my bones breaking, but my mouth is full of cotton
So I can't even scream out loud.
They all surround me, the scavengers, like vultures, here to eat my flesh away
You just stand there, smiling and smoking
Your left hand in your pocket
And then you come close to me and spit the venom on my face
And walk away.
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140,716 Literary Works • 673,675 Reviews
Timmy here for a review on review day!!
So this was great! It was a very sad poem, but very true. People who constantly hate will just hate. No. matter. what. Its sad, but true. They want to just pick you and me apart to pieces until there is nothing left. The can't see the good in anything, only the bad. Its really aggravating and there isnt' anything you can do that will change them!
I have a few nitpicks and I will head to them straight away!
I think that sums up my nitpicks! Great job, like I said before! Beautifully done! Happy writing and review day!
~Timmyjake
Heya Maroonamorous! I've popped by for a quick review!
So, first off, I give you a round of my super-special applause for this bit:
because I can't recall reading something that could describe human feeling in such an apt - and yet poetic - manner; that certain, helpless deer-in-the-headlights-bleeding-to-death-consciously kinda feeling. I loved it!
However, I have to agree with AlexSushiDog that this part felt sorta off:
I can sense that you're trying to create an image within our minds here, and you have succeeded to quite an extent. However, you could shuffle the words a bit so it seems less claustrophobic, and is easier to understand.
Also, over here:
I think using "and" twice here kinda breaks the flow. I would know seeing as whenever I do that while writing, and then re-read it, it seems better if I cut one of the "and"s out. I feel this would look better if it were:
Also, these last two lines don't make the same impression on me that the rest of the poem managed to. It doesn't feel like an appropriate closure, somehow. Even when you sing it ( since I saw this was lyrical), ending it with "And walk away," feels cliche somehow. Maybe it's just me, but that's how I felt. Anywho, great job on this! Keep it up, keep writing, and I hope to see more of your work soon!
Cheers,
~Pompadour
Hey there! Sushi here to review this poem
First off I really enjoyed this poem, it was very descriptive and very emotive and I enjoyed reading it in a weird way. I admire that you chose to write about a original and sensitive topic like this.
Just a few little nitpicks:
1)
This bit was a real kick in the stomach for the rhythm of the poem, it really knocked it out of sync. Maybe removing a few words in this line?
2)On the lines without fullstops you need some sort of punctuation usually a comma.
That's it! Overall, I liked this poem and I look forward to seeing it on the spotlight
Well I tried singing it, and it turned out to sound fine like that. But ok, thank you, like always, AlexSushiDog !!
thanks for reviewing my friend
Oops! I thought it was a poem so I was reading it in my head not singing it D:
Hello!
I like the subject of your poem, its quite true and relevant and your description are nice too.
I think that the flow could be better, the words are quite apt but one line could flow more smoothly into the next one.
I love the last few lines, "You just stand there smiling and smoking,
Your left hand in your pocket
And then you come close to me and spit the venom on my face
And walk away."
Though you should add something after walk away like "And walk away without ever looking back" otherwise its not fitting in with the other long lines.
I suggest write something else instead of ".... mouth full of cotton", cotton kind of ruins the feel and the atmosphere that you are creating. Something as common as cotton doesn't do well in a poem with such vivid descriptions and harsh words.
Overall, I think this is great!!
Thank you for the suggestion, I am glad that you were honest with what you liked and what you didn't. But I think I am going to keep this the way it is, just because these are the words that my heart poured out at the first place, and maybe it's used to write like that only. Please don't mind.
I appreciate your effort to review this.
Thank you, it means a lot.
You're ver kind, dear mystique ^_^