The readers may find a lot of errors, and if they do, make sure to mention them below. And yes, please forgive if you don't like it much, because I think maybe this poem is just a mere guff to some extent. But just FYI, this is quite my favourite so far, among all the other works by me.
But again, please do let me know, how it looks to all of you lovely readers? Enjoy :)
-----------------
Mother never knew how much I loved her.
Well 'twas my fault.
I never really made an effort to express my affection for her.
You see, I am a girl
Too much involved in herself,
And she was a woman
Too much exhausted by the ordeals
Of the world that never failed to be harsh towards her
Till her death.
She never had complaints, and no appreciations either,
Because her wants and desires were only suppressed,
And now maybe she was just too tired to admire the things.
*****
That Monday morning
She had an attack.
None of us knew until we kept
Waiting too long for the morning tea,
And when frustrated, my father walked impatiently
To the kitchen
Muttering how careless the lady had been.
*****
There she was fallen on the kitchen floor,
The gas stove had the flame burning low
And the milk was spilled all around and the tea-pot's broken pieces scattered on the ground.
Even in that position, which may look horrifying to some
I found her looking still that pretty- gorgeous woman.
Laying there sick and out of breath,
I found her gracing the ugly wooden kitchen floor,
She seemed to embrace the death.
Soon there were sirens audible,
As the ambulance parked in front of the house's main gate.
*****
As the vehicle kept moving on
I could easily figure out that fear creeping onto my Dad,
That fear of losing her.
For the first time ever, I saw my father
With his arms wrapped around his head
Shed tears in grief and constantly cursed the fate.
Still, not a tint of sadness crawled on my face
As I gaped at my mother's beautiful face
Now had turned dull, old and pale.
*****
In the hospital room,
When she opened her eyes,
During her final moments,
I was right beside her bed,
And she looked at me fondly for a quite a time
And said-" My child, aren't you sad that I may leave? Won't you miss me ?"
I cleared my throat and managed to reply-" You're not leaving
Because you stay right here within me.
I am a part of you and so you are a part of me.
But you know what Mum, I want you to leave
Because then you will at last Rest In Peace".
She looked politely and gave a faint smile
And then gently, she closed her eyes.
The sharp waves on the monitor screen finally dropped to a straight line.
*****
When they were carrying her corpse on their shoulders,
For the first time, a strong girl like me, fell right on her knees,
Still she did not cry,
Rather looked at her cold-dead mother, and bid a silent goodbye.
*****
Mother never knew how much I loved her.
And now I spend every night, staring at her photograph.
Sometimes I even smile when I look into those compassionate eyes.
She always said that she would die if something would happen to me,
But it's funny, how I never imagined, that when she would be gone,
What will happen to me?
*****
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140,230 Literary Works • 673,048 Reviews
Hi there,
The story is definitely captivating! But sadly the writing doesn't do it justice.
It’s not “bad” per se, no, but it could use some polishing.
The biggest issue that I had is that your poem doesn't flow very well.
“That Monday morning
She had an attack.”
This could have easily been just 1 sentence.
You should work on better flow, each sentence seems to cut off abruptly and that doesn't sound good.
That’s it!
I usually think that the story is more important than the writing itself! You have a good imagination and that can't be taught so kudos to you! With a little improvement in the writing, you can go all the way!
I hope this helped!
Good day!
Hey there Kat here to review for you, I was drawn in by your title. Man another long poem XD not a fan of long poems because you know I'm a writer and I don't like a lot of words ha-ha. But wow this was a really moving poem I seriously almost cried, especially with the part about her father fearing loosing her... no matter how mean people are they are always afraid to loose the ones they love, I think about that a lot. I liked how you didn't make the girl a stereotypical cry baby but gave her an eerie calmness in her reaction to her mother's death and that just helped add to how real your poem is. A few things though:
"And the milk was spilled all around and the tea-pot's broken pieces scattered on the ground."
I felt that this line was to long and kind of took away from your poem, perhaps you could consider shortening it or dividing it into two lines?
Also when you started the stanza about her attack it seemed kind of choppy and to direct to literal for a poem and also seemed a little out of place here. In this case maybe I'd take out the fact that it was Monday ad add something different or add more words because I as the reader don't know why you included it on a Monday and that information doesn't fit. If that day has some special meaning and you want to keep it maybe you could elaborate on that . Just suggestions, you really did quite a wonderful job with this poem, after your original message I was expecting to have a total mess on my hands but I really loved your poem.
Keep it up
~Kat
This is a beautiful poem. So much emotion. I find it interesting that it goes along with the books I am currently reading. I'm not a fan of the "*"'s you have separating the stanzas. Not like it really matters, but that is only a personal opinion haha. This is a poem that has the ability to really get to people; make them think. It has a certain emotional power, and that power is truly beautiful. Please keep writing, you have a knack for it.
Reading this was a wonderful experience.
~Rainn
My gosh this hurt to read.
Never underestimate mere guffiness. That's the stuff that gets straight to peoples hearts, and what's the fun in reading if not to read something that hits you where nothing else can reach?
No criticism here. This is by far my favourite out of your works, too =]
Hello, maroonamorous!
RachelLeeAnn, back to review another one. ^^
My goodness, this was very sad. That's a good thing! You seemed to have effortlessly portrayed such sorrow and emotion in this poem.
As a girl who is very, very close to her mother, this hit me hard. I can't imagine losing my mom. Is this about you? If so, I am very sorry for your loss.
I nearly cried just reading this; I can only imagine the reaction of readers who actually have lost a loved one to death.
Just one technical error:
You aren't required to capitalize every line. It's a little distracting for each line to start with a capital letter; it breaks up the rhythm. It's perfectly fine to just capitalize at the beginning of new sentences.
That's all I've got for you.
Great job on this, really! If I were you, I would definitely try to hone in on whatever you were feeling when writing this, and try to maybe use that inspiration again. I've read a few of your works, and this is my favorite.
Keep writing!
-Rae