Hi, marms. I don't usually review poetry but I thought I'd drop in for a quick critique. This is a great piece - clear message, nice imagery, well paced, overall a really good read. I'm going to break it down into three parts and give you my thoughts about what I liked and what you could work on.
you were a poison fruit that seemed so sweetuntil i dug in my teeth and broke the skin.i believed you were soft somewhere insideif i just kept digging, chewing through sour--but you swallowed me whole.
and nowmy mind is finally leaving its haze.after spending so many lonely nights with a bitter taste on my tongue.i can't wait until the day i can look at youand feel nothing in my gut.
maybe then i'll be able to breathe:feel my throat open up,feel my shoulders ease.how long do i have to wait until you become nothingbut, poetry?
Hey! I love writing poetry because I feel as though it's great when you have those burst of creative genius! I'll assume the lowercase letters are a creative option and go from there. In the first line, I think you meant to put a poisoned fruit because the word were would indicate you were writing in the past tense. I love the first two lines and their metaphorical meaning! The forth line kind of gets me though. "chewing through bitter sour" are you chewing through bitter than a sour taste? Is bitter sour suppose to be one taste wrapped in one? It just sounds a bit off. In line eight, it should read "until the day I can look AT you." I love the fact that you added poetry in there. Poetry is a release of emotion and breakups are full of emotion! I personally think you did a fantastic job! Keep up the wonderful work!XOXORascalover
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