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you swallowed me whole

by marms



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Tue Jan 30, 2018 8:51 pm
wendylau98 wrote a review...



Hey there marms, here for quick review! Hope my quick review will be a quick review. If there are any disagreement or misunderstanding, feel free to reply me or PM me!

A forbidden fruit was all it takes to consume you all right?
But this story speaks the truth because they are times we know the danger of doing it, but the temptations of doing it triumph over your resolution. But once we get to taste of what it is. You have bitten off what you can handle and it slowly kills you from the inside.

The second phrase, I love it, this poem really speaks of life and how people blindly do what they did and seem to not care of what will happen and the consequences.




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Tue Jan 30, 2018 2:26 am
StupidSoup says...



Very nice. Beautiful use of metaphor and imagery. It is a bit vague though. Try explaining what happened and how. I'm sure this would make your work much more evocative.




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Sun Jan 28, 2018 8:59 pm
alliyah wrote a review...



Hey marms, I see you've gotten quite a few reviews on this one so I'll stay brief.

I actually really enjoyed reading this poem, and I think it's one of your strongest that I've read.

I especially love the last few lines of the poem "how long do i have to wait / until you become nothing / but poetry" -- perfect line breaks there too. It's heartbreaking and poetic and it just says a lot in a relatively short piece. You very aptly describe the crumbling of a relationship that the speaker knows needs to end, and now they're just wishing the they could be completely gone of this disaster that seems to still linger within them. We find out in the last line of the poem that even this poem itself is part of that release. Ironic, because obviously they are still lingering on the person for this poem to come to fruition.

Great expression overall in the poem and the metaphor of the "poisonous fruit" which can be taken as a Biblical allusion (of the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil) or just a really descriptive rotting food is used well throughout the piece. I also liked how physical this poem's description was, the breathing, the nauseousness, and pain are all there and fit together well.

One critique: I think this poem is a bit wordy. I already mentioned that this poem is actually relatively short - but I think it could actually be shorter and that taking out some of the unneeded words might help the flow out as well (and make the poem feel more concentrated).

I'm going to strike-through the words I don't think are necessary because of redundancy or wordiness, feel free to ignore because these are just suggestions but are examples of some of the areas you could reduce some language {and I'm not recommending you take out all of the words I striked, but striked all the words I thought were unnecessary}. Other changes, if any, will be marked in blue.

you were a poison fruit that seemed so sweet
until i dug in my teeth and broke the skin.

i believe you were soft somewhere inside
if i just kept digging, chewing through sour--

but you swallowed me whole

you invaded my mind with acid till i could
feel nothing but myjust teeth rotting and my
cheeks corroding away, bloody and sore.

and now

i'm finally leaving the haze.
i can't wait until the day i can look at you
and feel nothing in my gut.

maybe then i'll be able to breathe:
feel my throat open up,
feel my shoulders ease.

how long do i have to wait
until you become nothing

but poetry?


Nice work again! A truly enjoyable poem to read. I look forward to reading more of your poems in the future.

alliyah

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marms says...


thanks



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Sun Jan 28, 2018 8:39 pm
ZeldaIsShiek wrote a review...



Hey there! It's ZeldaIsShiek here to review another quintessential piece of literature that made my day and win this Review Day by helping the Red Pandas stay in first place and reaching my goal of 80 reviews. I might even get to 100, if I work hard enough. I am really excited to review this amazing piece of art that you have created, and maybe add some witty humor as well. Anyway, that's enough idle chatter from me. Let's get into the review.

This poem is metaphorical in a way that is very hard to capture in words. I love the way you worded this poem and I love how it was about a one-sided relationship. I also like how you formatted it by creating an image somewhere other than Young Writer's Society and then uploading it here. I think that you were very clever in that way and that this poem is very interesting because of it.

The imagery of the fruit being poisonous but looking delicious is very interesting because it allows the reader to picture this person as visually appealing and exciting but being internally corrupt and one-sided. This poem was very interesting and I loved it very much.

That's all for today. Keep writing amazing literature that inspires me to read and review them, and have a great Review Day! Let's beat the Blues once and for all!

~ZeldaIsShiek




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Sun Jan 28, 2018 3:12 am
Ashley602338 wrote a review...



The poem kind of repeats with the I’s and the me’s and the you’s I kind of got stuck on that fact. And I didn’t get why you stopped after the word sour and started on a whole new topic. And swallow me whole just doesn’t go with the one sided relationship and the fruit metaphors definitely don’t go with the one sided relationship. And the forth paragraph was just kind of there not adding to the paragraph but not making it bad, personally I think that if you took out that paragraph it would do nothing to the poem. And the “finally leaving the haze” line is kind of confusing and doesn’t add to the depth of the one sided relationship. And the ending isn’t strong. Other than that it was good. 6/10
~Cheers




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Thu Jan 11, 2018 3:00 pm
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DarkPandemonium wrote a review...



Hi, marms. I don't usually review poetry but I thought I'd drop in for a quick critique. This is a great piece - clear message, nice imagery, well paced, overall a really good read. I'm going to break it down into three parts and give you my thoughts about what I liked and what you could work on.

you were a poison fruit that seemed so sweet
until i dug in my teeth and broke the skin.

i believed you were soft somewhere inside
if i just kept digging, chewing through sour--
but you swallowed me whole.


This is a strong opening; my favourites are the third and fourth lines. Fruit metaphors aren't exactly uncommon in poetry, and I do feel like the whole sweet/sour distinction is used quite a lot too, but I love the image of chewing through the fruit with the conviction that you'll find a soft centre. It's symbolic and visceral and fits the theme excellently.

I feel like you could get a bit more mileage out of the fruit metaphor. I'm not as crazy about the 'you swallowed me whole' line - it's the weakest bit of the stanza for me. It does tie into the idea of eating, but it doesn't link up that well with the more overarching theme of fruit, even though it easily could. I thought you might make some kind of reference to the acidity of fruit, and how the more you eat of it the more it stings your lips and mouth and throat. I feel like that could play well into the poem's message. It is completely up to you, of course.

and now
my mind is finally leaving its haze.
after spending so many lonely nights
with a bitter taste on my tongue.

i can't wait until the day i can look at you
and feel nothing in my gut.


(Small note - I don't think you need the full stop after 'haze'. 'My mind is finally leaving it's haze after spending so many lonely nights with a bitter taste on my tongue' is grammatical, and you do seem to be following standard grammar in this poem aside from the lack of capitals).

This section is generally okay, but not quite as good as the opening. I feel like what you see is what you get here, whereas in the first section the language was more creatively metaphorical. While I don't like poems to be too ambiguous, I do like there to be a little more room for interpretation, and I like to see things expressed via more imagery. Here, it's quite on the nose. It feels more telling than showing, I suppose.

maybe then i'll be able to breathe:
feel my throat open up,
feel my shoulders ease.

how long do i have to wait
until you become nothing
but, poetry?


I like this ending, especially the last stanza. I don't mind that it suddenly mentions poetry; to me, it's just like a successful fourth wall breakage, like the narrator is waiting for the day where this poem will only be a poem, not a reminder of something painful. It gets the message across really nicely and draws the whole thing together.

My only suggestion would be to get rid of the comma after 'but'. It upsets the rhythm and there's not really any reason for it to be there.

Overall, I think this is a great piece; it just needs a bit of fine tuning to bring out the best of it. I'd like to see you extend the metaphors explored in the first two stanzas a bit further into the poem, as you let them fall away in stanza three and substitute them for much more literal language that doesn't have as much impact for me. I really like the ending, though. The whole message is simple and poignant and real.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




marms says...


Thank you! This review really helped <3



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Thu Jan 11, 2018 5:41 am
Rascalover wrote a review...



Hey!
I love writing poetry because I feel as though it's great when you have those burst of creative genius! I'll assume the lowercase letters are a creative option and go from there.

In the first line, I think you meant to put a poisoned fruit because the word were would indicate you were writing in the past tense. I love the first two lines and their metaphorical meaning! The forth line kind of gets me though. "chewing through bitter sour" are you chewing through bitter than a sour taste? Is bitter sour suppose to be one taste wrapped in one? It just sounds a bit off. In line eight, it should read "until the day I can look AT you."

I love the fact that you added poetry in there. Poetry is a release of emotion and breakups are full of emotion! I personally think you did a fantastic job! Keep up the wonderful work!

XOXO
Rascalover





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