Heyo manilla! Happy Review Day.
I read your other parts of this, but a little lightly and a little while ago, so if any of my comments were actually cleared up earlier, please forgive me!
"Why the hell is a woman here?" A man spits in your general direction, and you hastily pound him in the face. "I have the Empress's special request."
Oof, does she (you? XD I'm not sure how to say that) really punch him in the face? That seems like a bit of a strong reaction!
Aristocrats certainly lie better than you do, but at least you know not to meddle.
Meddle in what? She seems to be meddling a little right now. Maybe add "in politics" or some other descriptor?
Jerazal, goddess of harmony, is losing her millennium-long fight. Her inner light is dimming; a representation of her being's essence. She doesn't recall when she was honored, with sacrifices and festivals and shrines in her name.
Interesting thought here--the goddess is dying, but is harmony itself actually dying out as a part of the goddess's death? It's a little unclear and you don't have to explain it, but that would be super cool.
Jerazal, or Viktoriya, hears a crack.
I feel like you could just go with Jerazal here? Because that's who she is in this little section, and switching back and forth between the two names like that takes away from the impact a little in my opinion.
She trembles, pulling herself into the fetal position.
Is she still a lynx?
Blood spills out onto the floor. Everything is cold, oh, so cold.
Her heart races. It beats until the end.
Love the use of your short, solid sentences here! I think it really works to create drama at the end of her life.
You bought yourself a series of nice dresses, brooches, miscellaneous items. The phrase, "Money cannot buy happiness" is starting to reveal its true effect.
These things seem to contradict each other...? She's seemingly happy about all of these items. Maybe a word like "however" could lead you into talking about why this money doesn't buy her happiness? Because I don't see much indication of unhappiness right now.
Your husband says its a bit plain, but beautiful nonetheless.
The person or what she's wearing??? I hope he isn't criticizing her!
And of course, as the girls laugh and sing together, a creeping feeling begins to tell you otherwise. All of this will come back again.
spooky!
So, from my reading of the other parts, I understood that Anzhelika was actually the Empress and also the narrator's daughter? (if that's totally wrong please disregard this!) I'm just not sure how she could go on to happily living with Viktoriya and the narrator as if nothing happened, so that's a little confusing for me, especially since the Empress was so brutal?
Other than that, I really liked this! There was a really intense battle, then a slow return to normalcy--but not quite. I love how you wove in the sense that there were still questions and secrets, and, more than that, the possibility that all this could happen again. I think that's just about all I have to say about this, nice job with your writing! <3
-Q
Points: 5916
Reviews: 498
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