z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

"Danser" Pt. 7: Finale

by manilla


Quick recap: You, a middle-class married woman, are summoned by the Empress for a special request you didn't even sign up for - To secretly bring up this heterochromatic girl under her request and this strange boy named Yulian's until they tell you otherwise. Apparently, Yulian and the girl, Viktoriya, have other connections, for they have turned into lynxes and are taking godly matters out on each other. (At least, that's what you know.)

Listen Along (until the flash forward): Karma (English version) - Yianna Terzi

--

You cover your ears as the sound of earth-shaking screeches ring out, as the lynx lunge for each other. One of them radiates a sickly purple light with light from its stormy eyes, slamming her right forepaw into the other lynx's ear, a golden liquid spilling out. You bite your tongue, taking a step back as one of the burly, unruly men in the back throws an empty rum bottle in the center of the ring, brown glass fracturing in the center. The shards manage to cut Viktoriya, the purple one, more badly than the blue-eyed lynx. 

"Why the hell is a woman here?" A man spits in your general direction, and you hastily pound him in the face. "I have the Empress's special request."

Aristocrats certainly lie better than you do, but at least you know not to meddle.

"Lady, look out!" another cries, as Viktoriya is hurled mere inches past your arm. Yulian is panting, but his lynx face cries for victory that will be his, and only his.

--

Blows are exchanged, ground is taken and recovered, and the noise is all the deafeningly same. 

Jerazal, goddess of harmony, is losing her millennium-long fight. Her inner light is dimming; a representation of her being's essence. She doesn't recall when she was honored, with sacrifices and festivals and shrines in her name. Golden ichor is creating puddles along with patches of her matted fur. Trembling, she backs up slowly as to not stumble. 

Chaos. Chaos is forcing her to succumb, and perhaps she will.

Claws rake her cheek from the left, and she throws herself forward. 

"You will forget everything about you, Harmony. Everything that you know and love will be lost."

She bites down and tears a section of Yulian's ear off before getting knocked to the side, hitting the ground. Jerazal, or Viktoriya, hears a crack. And then, there is a bolt of pain. Lights flash. She trembles, pulling herself into the fetal position. Men are yelling, for if she loses, they lose their bets. Little do their ignorant selves know that there's more than that at risk. Blood spills out onto the floor. Everything is cold, oh, so cold.

Her heart races. It beats until the end.

--Two months later--

The one million natulys only made you a subject of constant interrogation, being asked how you won the Empress's upper hand. You bought yourself a series of nice dresses, brooches, miscellaneous items. The phrase, "Money cannot buy happiness" is starting to reveal its true effect. 

You admire your reflection in the mirror. Your husband says its a bit plain, but beautiful nonetheless. But when your daughters come around, all the riches you own go into the cabinet. 

"Anzhelika? Are you hiding?" Viktoriya smiles as she peers under the couch. Girlish giggles erupt from the other corner of the room, and a small blonde leaps from behind the curtains. "Right here, Vika!"

The Empress had told you specifically that Viktoriya's memories had been wiped after the battle. If you spoke a word of Yulian's standing, the Prosecutors would know and find you. There was no possibility of Viktoriya striking again in any form other than a human. She would be normal, the Empress promised. You hoped that she was right.

And of course, as the girls laugh and sing together, a creeping feeling begins to tell you otherwise. All of this will come back again.

-

Fin


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Sun Jan 27, 2019 2:02 am
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Que wrote a review...



Heyo manilla! Happy Review Day. :)

I read your other parts of this, but a little lightly and a little while ago, so if any of my comments were actually cleared up earlier, please forgive me!

"Why the hell is a woman here?" A man spits in your general direction, and you hastily pound him in the face. "I have the Empress's special request."

Oof, does she (you? XD I'm not sure how to say that) really punch him in the face? That seems like a bit of a strong reaction!

Aristocrats certainly lie better than you do, but at least you know not to meddle.

Meddle in what? She seems to be meddling a little right now. Maybe add "in politics" or some other descriptor?

Jerazal, goddess of harmony, is losing her millennium-long fight. Her inner light is dimming; a representation of her being's essence. She doesn't recall when she was honored, with sacrifices and festivals and shrines in her name.

Interesting thought here--the goddess is dying, but is harmony itself actually dying out as a part of the goddess's death? It's a little unclear and you don't have to explain it, but that would be super cool. :)

Jerazal, or Viktoriya, hears a crack.

I feel like you could just go with Jerazal here? Because that's who she is in this little section, and switching back and forth between the two names like that takes away from the impact a little in my opinion.

She trembles, pulling herself into the fetal position.

Is she still a lynx?

Blood spills out onto the floor. Everything is cold, oh, so cold.

Her heart races. It beats until the end.

Love the use of your short, solid sentences here! :) I think it really works to create drama at the end of her life.

You bought yourself a series of nice dresses, brooches, miscellaneous items. The phrase, "Money cannot buy happiness" is starting to reveal its true effect.

These things seem to contradict each other...? She's seemingly happy about all of these items. Maybe a word like "however" could lead you into talking about why this money doesn't buy her happiness? Because I don't see much indication of unhappiness right now.

Your husband says its a bit plain, but beautiful nonetheless.

The person or what she's wearing??? I hope he isn't criticizing her!

And of course, as the girls laugh and sing together, a creeping feeling begins to tell you otherwise. All of this will come back again.

spooky! :)

So, from my reading of the other parts, I understood that Anzhelika was actually the Empress and also the narrator's daughter? (if that's totally wrong please disregard this!) I'm just not sure how she could go on to happily living with Viktoriya and the narrator as if nothing happened, so that's a little confusing for me, especially since the Empress was so brutal?

Other than that, I really liked this! There was a really intense battle, then a slow return to normalcy--but not quite. I love how you wove in the sense that there were still questions and secrets, and, more than that, the possibility that all this could happen again. :) I think that's just about all I have to say about this, nice job with your writing! <3

-Q




manilla says...


thanks! maria is just pretending to be the narrator%u2019s daughter, and viktoriya isn%u2019t just %u201Cbeing%u201D the narrator%u2019s daughter too for now...i may publish the actual story



Que says...


Ah, that makes sense! :)



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Sat Jan 05, 2019 9:13 pm
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Shady wrote a review...



Hey manilla,

I see this chapter has been kicking around in the Green Room for a while, so I'm here to put the first review towards rescuing it! I know I haven't read the previous chapters so I probably can't do this chapter full justice, but I'll still do my best to find helpful things to say about this chapter (and I really appreciate the summary! That definitely help :) ) . Let's get started...

One of them radiates a sickly purple light with light from its stormy eyes,


So, one of the things that i'm a big stickler for is not having words in close repetition with each other, and here you have the word "light" twice in the same sentence. In addition to, in my opinion, not being a great stylistic choice -- this sentence doesn't make a ton of sense with the way it's currently written. It radiates light with the light from it's eyes? Like... it's repetitive and doesn't make a ton of sense.

~ ~ ~

Ooh! That was an ominous ending! I like it :)

So I didn't fully follow what this chapter was talking about -- but that's to be expected since I jumped in at literally the last chapter, it appears. I do like the emotions you weaved so beautifully into this story. It's powerful.

I really like your names in this chapter. They are borderline excessive with the creative spellings and how long they are -- but I still really liked them and they were really pretty names.

I also liked how you linked a song to listen to while I was reading this. I don't have Spotify so your link wouldn't let me listen -- but I looked up the song on Youtube so I was still able to listen to it as I was reading. You might? want to consider doing that in the future -- linking via Youtube rather than Spotify, since everyone with an internet connection can access YouTube but you actually have to have a Spotify account to access the link you shared.

I think that's all I have for you this time! Hope you're having a lovely day!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




manilla says...


Thanks for the review! Viktoriya and Anzhelika are spellings of common Russian girl names, and Jerazal is something I just made up.



Shady says...


Ahh! Good to know, thanks for telling me :D I didn't realize that. I am guilty of changing the spellings of common names because I thought they look more interesting, so I thought that that's what you'd done here. But using Russian names is super cool :)




By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach.
— Winston Churchill