A/N: Sorry for the one-month long wait :/
--
The hall outside of your recovery room is ancient, as if hundreds have walked through it generations before you were born. The whites of the hall are no longer white, for traces of ebony wood and beige show through. You imagine the former grandeur of the palace, the grandeur that the Empress has failed to restore. Stained glass of long lost gods and goddesses shine colored light into the drabness of the place. A long Siapakhan rug lies on the floor, with skillful hand embroidery in shades of regal reds, navy blues, and dashing purples. It seems to you that the rug is the only new thing in this room. One of the goddesses on the stained glass piece catches your attention. She has raven black hair and a strand of it across her face. She has storm gray and purple eyes.
"Put on this hood. The girl must not recognize you, miss," a scullery maid says to you. She's breathless, having sprinted this journey forward. It's as if everything and everyone in this palace appears and disappears in an instance. Yet you like the idea of being treated like royalty, so you willingly take the hood and slip it over your plain brown hair. "The girl? You mean the one with the strange eyes?"
The scullery maid nods obediently and gestures you to follow her. The rising clamor of roaring shouts enters your ears. The sixth sense of yours tells you there's a fight going on. Why would your "child" fight? She is but a girl...
"Miss. You must walk faster," the scullery maid whispers. Her doe eyes radiate terror. "Please. I have to get everyone else to safety."
It's as if the hidden meaning of the maid's words bounce off of you, because your focus dulls away to your back. The pain has ebbed away by Yulian's painkiller by now, but everything aches nonetheless. The scullery maid glances warily to a set of double doors and scampers off in the direction you came. Why have the Empress's tricks taken such a toll on you? What does she want? Only time will tell. With a shaking hand, you pull open the door. What lies behind these doors that she seems to be afraid of?
The scullery maid at least had a purpose. You, you decide, are only the Empress's pawn.
---
You will not remember any of what happens after this day.
The mass of people is growing, some wielding beer bottles and others wielding cheaply-fashioned weapons. Some are placing bets, and not a single coin is placed on Viktoriya's end, while Yulian's pile threatens to topple over. In that, what would be the purpose of betting?
The Empress is nowhere to be seen, but Yulian leers above Viktoriya. That only fuels her fury against him.
Yulian. God of Discord, Viktoriya seethes, covering her thought in a layer of rock-solid ice. Discord cannot live without harmony.
Yulian takes a step closer, still composed. Viktoriya's hackles bristle as Yulian responds. Jerazal. Goddess of Harmony, soon-to-be-mortal. Ah, what I am to make of you.
Viktoriya decides that Yulian would not take her immortality from her as she propels herself forward, claws unsheathed.
If you're going to die, Jerazal, I guess you're going to have to fight for my life. You know, the average.
You betrayed the last of us immortals to a mere human sovereign. Yulian, this isn't the last of me.
Viktoriya remembers herself as Jerazal, before she got herself into this predicament. She doesn't wish to look back, not to the time where her worshippers lie in bloody chains.
--
You understand this is no place for any lady of good manner. After a hesitant moment and a bloodcurdling screech from one of the albino lynx, you request for Viktoriya. A guard takes a bulky hand and shoves you out. "You should be recovering under the Empress's orders."
The Empress this, the Empress that. Why are you staying so dreadfully silent? The door closes in front of you with an ominous creak. Something dangerous is going on in there, and you want part of it...Partially because it does involve you in some way. Recalling Yulian's message, a cold shiver makes you tremble. Maria has the right to execute you.
Claws meet fur.
Claws meet flesh.
Claws spill blood.
Your thoughts drift back to the scullery maid as an earthshaking roar erupts from the crowd.
This mess will be hard to clean up.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hey manilla! It's me again, back for some more reviewing
Since the maid is the one talking in the first dialogue, but Natalya is the one talking next, the lines should be split up. Lines are changed when there is a new topic, person, time, or place, and since it applies to the second, Natalya's dialogue should be on a new line
enters* (boy, do I add unnecessary, extra 's's everywhere :p)
I think I'd prefer if this line said 'her doe eyes are wide with terror/fright' rather than radiate, since I think of radiate = light, and eyes that shine with light make me think of happiness or joy or something comparable. Y'know?
This sentence doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, just by the way it's worded and what it conveys. Actually, it might be the repetitive 'by' that's bothering me, but there is that slight contradiction from the pain being gone but everything aching, which does make some sense, I just feel like this sentence doesn't work as a whole?
Maybe this is just going over my head, but I don't understand what Yulian is saying? If Discord can't live with Harmony, and Yulian is the former and Victoriya/Jerazal is the latter, then it sounds like Yulian will hurt/kill himself if he hurts/kills Jerazal. If so, then why fight her at all? Unless I'm missing something? Or is Yulian not the one saying this? I'm assuming they're like, telepathically communicating anyway. Ahh, this whole bit isn't too clear overall in general, but this part especially confused me.
-This part was foggier then the other parts, in which I mean some of it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But of course, I have trouble reading between the lines sometimes, so it could just be that it's all going right over my head, in which case, I apologise for that.
That's all I've got for today, I hope there was something in there to help you and your work <3 Keep up the good work!
I hope you have a lovely day!
Thank you for the review
Ash her for a review!
I must say this was so far something I have enjoyed the most reading. I haven't read parts 1-5, but now I have a plan to. Onwards with the review!
In the first sentence, "The hall outside of your recovery room is ancient,...." You don't need to have the comma at the end of ancient.
In the next sentence, "....for traces of ebony wood and beige..." you could possibly use "with" instead of "for"
In the fourth sentence, "Stained glass of long lost gods..." in between long and lost, you should include a hyphen.
In the fifth sentence, "A long Siapakhan rug lies on the floor...." A and long should be connected.
in the 5th paragraph, first sentence, "...meaning of the maid's words bounce off of you,..." here, you don't really need "of" or the comma.
I'd love to finish this review, but I sadly have to end it here. But there are some beginning errors. But I did enjoy this and I hope you have an amazing day, and I hope this helped you!
Thank you for the review
Also, this might come in handy:
[quote][/quote]Part 5 is still in the Green Room!
"Danser" Pt. 5