Listen Along: Indila - Tourner dans le Vide
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A/N: So Nobunaga wouldn't kill me, I made a part two for Danser. There's going to be a part three and four and so on, too. This chapter is very dialogue-driven, and nothing really happens. So if that doesn’t appeal to you, there’s always a door. (Just kidding, please review this.)
~x~
A shiver goes down your spine as you recall your flaws, every last doubt within the twenty-four hours. How have you offended Her Majesty? Oh, and what would you have to do in order to please her again?
“Your husband isn’t here?” Empress Maria asks again, and you keep yourself from releasing a very unladylike sigh of relief. It could’ve been worse, after all.
“No, Your Majesty,” you answer diligently. “At least I cannot find him.”
“Good,” she snaps, twirling a blonde curl of hers. “I don’t care.”
The Empress’s words sting, but you bow your head in respect. There is no need to cause more of a ruckus than you already have.
At this point you and the Empress have attracted the attention of others around you, because the two of you have kept such a distance while conversing. And as common sense concludes, you had to speak up.
“Y-Your Majesty, if you feel like my presence has offended you, I will gladly leave-”
“This party is cancelled,” Empress Maria declares, her voice rising above everyone else’s. “I have other business to take care of. You, there. In the ugly, pale blue dress. Stay.”
The Empress’s brashness has always shocked other members of the court, yet they stay silent for the fear of being snapped at. If you want to become like them, you will quiet your thoughts and abide to authority. All around you, dancers scuttle out, murmurs among them rising like wind before a thunderstorm. Some eye you suspiciously, while others throw you looks of envy. To be worthy enough to be called upon by the Empress is a daunting feat itself, but at the same time, it could mean the end of your life. Yes, you notice that their dresses and suits are all fairer than yours, but the color dismays you once again. Why must it be this way?
The girl on the throne too large for her waits, hand on her chin while gazing to the left of you where someone left a mess. Her unsignaled discontentment alone is enough to have several waiters come out of the corner of the room to clean the mess up.
“You will speak nothing of this day,” Empress Maria orders as the waiters exit from the very place they came. You nod obediently, and she beckons you with a dainty finger to come closer. After a few, hesitant steps, you look the Empress in the eye.
“Natalya Taciana Ivashka, now Natalya Taciana Natadova. Wife of a merchant, daughter of a farmer. Age thirty-one. I have a very important task for you,” the Empress says, stepping off her throne. Empress Maria wouldn’t cancel parties for a reason, even though she had little reason to partake in them, you realize, a dead weight falling on your hope of leaving unscathed. What if I’m in danger? The Empress is known for her tricks.
“You seem worried,” Empress Maria smirks, tossing a pigtail over her shoulder as she strides towards you. “Do you not want a sum of one million natulys?”
One million natulys. That would surely bump you up a few social levels and comfortably secure a place there as well. You’d get the respect your family once had generations ago, and you’d restore it for more generations to come.
“Y-Yes, Your Majesty. I will accept your task and whatever follows it,” you blurt, the conviction in your voice still not enough to sway Empress Maria that you’re into the task she’s about to receive. But you don’t know what the task is, and the mystery of the whole situation is beginning to kill you.
“Bring in the girl,” Empress Maria barks to what seems like no one, and a pair of guards roll in a whole other sight.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Yay! Literary spotlight!
Heya, manilla!
Getting around to this, now. Too bad it's not in the green room anymore, but a review's a review.
I'll dive right into the usual grammar stuff, and then try to note content at the end.
The “oh” feels unnecessary and much more... personal, I suppose? than the previous part of Danser. It's also kind of like the story just remembered something and went "oh yeah! what about this?" Even though it's in second-person, the style of part one wasn't quite so personal. We didn't have things like “Oh,” in the prose, reminding us of things that we should probably think. These things tend to pull me from the story; not terribly, but a slight pull is still a pull.
I'd suggest removing it, but it might work fine to just leave it, as well. These are just suggestions, after all!
I'd recommend a comma after “At least”. Without the comma, it reads a bit differently and feels rushed. Commas don't call for very long pauses, but I think it could even out the pacing of this dialogue as well as benefit the speaker's tone.
The dialogue from “you”, the reader, thus far has been a tad more dignified? That's the tone I feel that you're going for, at least. In this case, I'd suggest changing “if you feel like” to “if you feel that”.
“If you feel that my presence has offended you” sounds more appropriate for the setting, and if you're going for a more dignified dialect, this works in favor of that!
I vaguely recall the description of our dress from the first part, but it's been too long since then, and parts are slightly separated, so I'd suggest having the Empress point at us, or give an insight into how we feel at her command that we stay.
I can't tell if this is a general you, or a second-person reference you. If it's the first, then maybe swap out the 'you's for 'one', or something similar?
I suppose the “if” at the beginning may help to distinguish that it's a general you, but I'm not entirely sure on which you mean here.
This was awkward to read, and took a couple tries before I got it. Is there a clearer way you could word it? The sentence as a whole, (this and what I did not quote), is also just winding in general.
Unsignaled discontentment? This sounds as though she didn't show any signs of discontent, but she must have for them to go out and clean it. I don't think “unsignaled” is quite the proper word here.
You may have meant that she didn't signal anyone to do anything about the mess, or she showed discontent but didn't do anything beyond that, but it's still bumpy to read.
She is speaking to us, but the wording sounds vaguely as though she's ordering the waiters to keep quiet about this scene. Maybe you could add in a word of clarification? “Empress Maria orders you, as the waiters [...]” might work? Although “orders you” isn't great.
I'll leave this up to you!
Wouldn't cancel parties for a reason? Or do you mean wouldn't cancel parties without a reason? Or--? It's a confusing concept, and I'm not sure exactly what you meant to convey here.
Perhaps try “You'd regain the respect” than “you'd get”? Since the family already had the respect once before, regain is more proper. “Get” implies, more, that it's something new. The meaning in the sentence is clear, but I think swapping out the word could make your sentence stronger.
But the Empress is not the one receiving the task, we are? I don't know whether this is a typo or a case of mistaken definition, but I thought I'd point it out for you!
Overall, the pacing of this was nice. The style felt different from the previous chapter, but this one had a lot more dialogue, so that may be why. There wasn't as much imagery, which is what particularly drew me into part one of this story, but I'm intrigued as to what the Empress wishes “you” to do, so you can be sure I'll be reviewing part 3 soon.
I hope this review was helpful. Great work, and keep writing!
- Hatt
Thanks, Hatt!
(Some of these were just typos. And if the color of the dresses matter, I should put more emphasis on them than I already have.)
Hello again!
/puts knife away/I'm so glad to see you've posted a second part! One of the things that I love about this story is the tension. It's so intriguing to read about how effortlessly Empress Maria enforces her rule. For example, I loved this line:She gives orders with nothing more than a glance. It's amazing. It also shows how everyone is always watching her, making sure that she's satisfied. She reminds me of the Red Queen, just not as... erratic.
And I'm going to have to disagree with Aley on the point he made about your chosen POV. Personally, I've not read many things written in second person. I honestly didn't think I liked second person povs, but I really enjoy it in Danser. It adds to that tension I mentioned earlier, and makes me feel like I'm really there in the story.
On that note though, I think you could really kick this story up a notch by adding more descriptive elements - sound, smell, etc. Especially with this being written in second-person, adding those types of descriptions and details could really help your reader become completely immersed in your world.
Okay, aside from that, I don't have much more to say. I do have one thing to mention, though.
I'm sure this was likely just a mistake, but I think "a" is the wrong word here. I think you might have meant to write "no" or something like that.
And that's all I have for you, Mani! This was another really enjoyable read for me! And I won't pressure you to release another so soon
i love red queen asdfghjklffsadfThanks for the
reality checkreview, Nobunaga!You write so many howwwI usually forget sensory elements in my story even though I yell at my friends a lot when they write about them.
Hello, manilla. I am here to provide you a review. Let’s get started, shall we?
I did read the first chapter before you coming here so I know somewhat is going on with the story so far.
I. Characters
Empress Maria: She seems like the type who does not care about others, or at least puts up a strong front. She is very demanding. I love her already. I can’t tell if she is evil or she is just that demanding because she is an empress. We shall see.
It seems like the people are nervous around the Empress. Are they afraid of her? Or are they just nervous because of how she is?
II. Plot so far…
Seems like the plot so far started with a royal dance with high class people, I am assuming. And now, Maria has tasked someone to do something. I am intrigued onto what will happen in the next chapter. I don’t really have much to say because this is mostly dialogue, but you portrayed the scene amazingly.
III. Conclusion
I do apologize that my review is so short, but this is all I can say for you right now. Hopefully, in future chapters, I can provide more insight on your novel. Keep up the great work.
Keep writing and enjoy the rest of your day!
- Kanome
Thank you for the review and summary of my piece. <3
Ohhhh my, she's going to be a governess isn't she?
That's probably the Empress' daughter and "we" have to tend to her and she's going to be a little brat who "we" have to teach to be a good person, and she's probably going to get us nearly killed a bunch.
If I'm wrong, this story isn't cliche. If I'm right, this story Is a bit cliche. That doesn't mean don't write it, it just means it's predictable. You'll have to make it entertaining to avoid losing readership. You'll also have to read more. I suggest starting with Jane Eyre if you haven't read it, that's a little similar to that but it doesn't have a naughty bad child or a woman who is summoned to be a governess, she chooses to be a governess on her own. That's probably not what you're going for though.
Anyway, great writing! I loved how you kept me involved. I didn't like the "you" pov, second person, because I used to read fanfiction in second person when they were quizzilla fanfics where I first encountered fanfiction. That sort of turned me off. I also don't like being bossed around and that pov makes me feel bossed around.
So often I wouldn't do what the MC does that I get jarred out of the story by saying "Uh, No, I don't do that, YOU do that."
Anyway, I liked this!
Thank you for the review! I'm just going to say that your prediction for the next part of the story is, well, off. But it's good! Yes!
*claps*
sorryOh yay! I'm so glad I'm off <333
Was that sarcasm? :')
Not at all, i was worried it was cliche but if i got it wrong it is more original which i love
ok
Please remind me to review this when I have time.
OK!
...do you have time lmao
Oh I didn't get a notif for this. And oops I meant, kinda, like, tomorrow lel. Sorrz - I'm wiped right now, but I do plan to get to this!
so um