z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

"Danser" Pt. 1

by manilla


Listen Along: Indila - Love Story

~x~

You enter, and a grandeur sight awaits your sleep-deprived eyes. Greek-style columns line the walkway, with spaces in between for dancers to weave in and out. The lights are dimmed, yet you see people wearing jeweled masks with exotic feathers poking out from the sides. Your own dress, of chiffon lace and the finest cerulean satin, bounce with every step you take. Your painted nails find themselves on the brow of your mask, not concealing the powdered tufts of navy blues and shades of silvery purple around your eyes. A bust of Pallas flanks each side of the doorway. Music begins, starting off in the minor key, with simple motifs dotting the rest of the melody. Many meters in front of you is a raised dais, and a throne sits on the top. A small girl reclines, and you take a respectful curtsy, satin meeting satin as you lift up your skirts the slightest. This girl is Her Royal Majesty, Empress Maria Petrova the II. As the lighting of the room shifts, you see the glimmering of the jewels that embedded themselves in her tiara.

“Rise.”

Her voice startles you, her being nearly a silhouette in the dark. It rises above the dull, aimless murmurs of your fellow aristocrats, like a small light in the dark. Waiters rush around carrying drinks, one bowing lowly and handing you a glass of sparkling water while doing so. Without a thank, the waiter scurries off, and you find your gaze at Empress Maria’s level again. The plush velvet carpet beneath your feet feels like it’ll be snatched away any moment, a crevice opening in the ground for you to fall through. A strange chill settles through the room, your diamond-sapphire necklace feeling heavy and cold upon your neck, feet trembling in three-inch heels.

You proceed onwards, looking for your dance partner, supposedly clad in midnight blues and blacks. Something about this seems off, because in the capital, all the prominent figures of society would stand out. You would stand out. And the music’s a blur, like the lights and how every other dancer wears an outfit that blends with the night. But yours is the color of a clear, midday sky. And maybe for that reason, the Empress is watching you. 

She pushes aside her guards and steps down the dais, her gaze not leaving you for a split second. Her eyes are furious, and blonde pigtails swing at either side of her face. Empress Maria Petrova the II is but a child, yet her grip on the country is firmer than any king’s. You step to the side, startled, expecting her to pass through the door to handle royal matters that do not concern you, but what she does is unsettling.

“You do not belong.”


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Tue Apr 03, 2018 12:11 am
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Elinor wrote a review...



Hey manilla!

Sorry this took a while, but I'm getting to your review as per your request! The song is really beautiful. Was the story itself inspired by it as something that could be standalone or something that functions alongside it? I think it works either way.

I also wanted to commend you for conveying second person effectively, because it can be really hard to do. Even though not much as happened, I'm intrigued by the world and tone that you've set up. Your prose is really strong, so I don't have a lot to stay in that regard. I was a little confused as to who the protagonist is supposed to be. Is she really supposed to be there? What is her plan? You spend a lot of time describing the setting but I want to know a little bit more about this was going.
Nice twist with the Empress being a young girl, though.

Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions.




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Thu Mar 29, 2018 6:21 pm
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TheBlueCat wrote a review...



Hello manilla! c: Cat here for a review as requested! Let's get started then, shall we? Sorry if I repeat anything said previously; I prefer to not write my reviews based on what others have already said. :3

Hmm, this is an interesting thing for me! So far I've never read any works that are in second person, so this is new! I usually steer away from works with second person in them because they usually aren't executed well. I can't say the same for this! I think this was executed beautifully and I don't have a single complaint regarding the POV. c:

Characters
So far we have two characters, Empress Maria Petrova the II and, oh, myself I guess! xD We don't know much yet about the empress, only that she is a child(which was a pleasant surprise!) and a powerful empress. The only thing I can pick out about her personality is that she is, for lack of a better word, bossy and wants things to be her way. It's not a bad thing that we don't know her yet, especially since this is only part one of a novel.
Now, just because it's super weird for me to say 'myself' in a review when talking about a character, I'm going to call this character J for no reason whatsoever. Now, I would have loved to know more of what she is thinking, but she did have normal reactions, which is good. I'm just not sure of what J's personality is. Is she kind? Is she arrogant? Is she shy? The list goes on. I won't pound you too much on this considering this is only the first chapter of a longer work. I will have to say though, so far J is me, which is super weird xD I love the way you described what she was wearing, but I'm also wanting to know what she looks like physically. I'm sure that will come naturally in later parts.

Plot
This part was short, so it's natural that not a ton would have happened yet. I do really like where this is headed, and it all feels very natural and nothing feels forced.

Pacing
Very nice pacing for the length of this piece. It felt as if I was experiencing this myself, which I think is part of the point. It was paced as if the night was naturally going on at a normal time pace.

Setting
Oh <3 So beautiful and elegant. I feel as if I'm really at a ball with all the lovely things you described. Not much else to say here to be honest. I love your imagination here.

Specific line thoughts

Your own dress, of chiffon lace and the finest cerulean satin, bounce with every step you take.
I think it works better as 'bounces'. If you take out the interjection thing, and read it, it should definitely be bounces.

, you see the glimmering of the jewels that embedded themselves in her tiara.
I would go for either 'that have embedded' or 'that are embedded in her tiara'. Currently, it doesn't feel structured properly. Even 'that embed themselves' works better, but not that much, so I would go for one of the previous two I suggested.

Her voice startles you, her being nearly a silhouette in the dark.
Also feels clunky. Maybe 'Her voice startles you, with her being nearly a silhouette in the dark.' would work better? It does for me at least.

Waiters rush around carrying drinks, one bowing lowly and handing you a glass of sparkling water while doing so.
I thing this is a change of tense. I would personally change the part after the comma to 'one bows lowly and hands you a glass of sparkling what while doing so.'

Without a thank, the waiter scurries off, and you find your gaze at Empress Maria’s level again.
This one line feels off. I get what you're trying to say, but I think it's just arranged weirdly. First off, who is thanking who? I'm assuming J is thanking the waiter, so I'm going to try to rearrange the first part of the sentence based on that. 'Without so much as a thank you' works better, but it still feels like the waiter is the one thanking J. 'Without waiting for thanks' may be more of what you are going for, and I think this is that best I have at the moment.

And the music’s a blur, like the lights and how every other dancer wears an outfit that blends with the night.
First off, I would recommend trying to not start a sentence with a conjunction. Secondly, this feels like it should either be two separate sentences. This who paragraph that this sentence is in is just a bit confusing.

Overall, a wonderful piece! You definitely have gotten yourself a new reader, although I may not review all the time. c: Great work and keep writing!
~Cat




manilla says...


Thanks for the review, Cat :D



manilla says...


Thanks for the review, Cat :D



manilla says...


Thanks for the review, Cat :D



TheBlueCat says...


You're welcome! c: I hope it helped!



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Thu Mar 22, 2018 7:31 am
Hattable wrote a review...



Hey there!

I'm not great at content-based reviews, so excuse me if this is choppy.

You're an impressive wordsmith! This was beautifully written, and practically entrancing. I'm not one to wear satin dresses and makeup, but you almost had me accepting that I was dressed in such a fashion! haha

Typically I do grammar-based reviews, but this was so well-written and barren of grammatical issues - I only have two notes to make.

Without a thank, the waiter scurries off, and you find your gaze at Empress Maria’s level again.

"Without a thank" sounds odd. It might just be me, as I've never heard it phrased this way, but I point it out in case you come upon any ideas on how to rewrite it, should you want to. It may not be necessary to, so don't worry! Just a suggestion.

You step to the side, startled, expecting her to pass through the door to handle royal matters that do not concern you, but what she does is unsettling.

I'd recommend adding "instead" to the end of this, ("but what she does instead is unsettling"), simply because it feels more natural? But it also unfortunately feels like it messes with the flow of this already long sentence, so I'm not sure.

This was fantastical and intriguing. The imagery of the ballroom, as well as the descriptions of what everyone was wearing were both great. The description of the character's (mine, I suppose) feelings were also very nicely done.
I also notice that this is labelled as a chapter, so I'm quite interested to see how you go along with this story. Honestly, reading this part alone, it felt like a perfectly independent short story (or flash fiction, I suppose, given the length? Something in between, perhaps?)

The colors and lines like "the music's a blur, like the lights" were fun. The pacing felt like it sped up leading to the end of this chapter, and then stopped nicely with the Empress's accusation. It was exciting. I could feel the confusion about the others' clothing, and the excitement (not necessarily positive excitement) leading up to the final line.


Again, I apologize for the tackiness of my notes on the story's actual content. I'm more used to grammar, but I'm just now getting back into reviewing.

I hope you continue writing, and please do let me know if you post another part to this!

- Hatt




manilla says...


I read every word of your reply like it was the last thing I read, to be honest.

Thanks for the comments and appreciation! Treat yourself to a cup of tea, or any drink of that matter.



Hattable says...


"I read every word of your reply like it was the last thing I read, to be honest."

Oh, was it repetitive? I was worried I'd accidentally repeated myself a few times, oops



manilla says...


Oh, no. Repetition helps get the point through



Hattable says...


Oh, alright!

Btw, I just recalled a thing I forgot to point out in my review - at one point you misspelled "dais" as "dias"
She pushes aside her guards and steps down the dias,



manilla says...


Urgh...Thanks for catching that *thumbs up*



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Wed Mar 21, 2018 7:26 pm
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Nobunaga wrote a review...



Hello! Welcome to YWS!

I'm already in love with this story. I haven't read many things written in this sort of perspective, so as soon as I saw "you", I was immediately intrigued. Followed by the beautiful prose, you have me hooked! You can really tell that you have a clear sense of setting, and then with the music track added in the background - I felt like I was right in that ballroom.

I only have two pieces of advice for you.

One, this part

you see the glimmering of the jewels that embed themselves in her tiara.


is quite awkward to read. It makes it seem as if the jewels have a life on their own and have willingly placed themselves in Empress Maria's tiara. If this story contains sentient jewelry then that's freaking awesome! But, I don't think that's what you were going for here :P I would suggest writing instead, "you see the glimmering of jewels embedded in her tiara."

Lastly, your verb tense seems to change a few times throughout your piece. For example, in the beginning we have

Music begins, starting off in the minor key,


but then, later on, we have

one bowing lowly and handing you a glass of sparkling water while doing so.


The alternative would be to write, "one bows lowly and hands you a glass of sparkling water while doing so."

This change in verb tense does happen a few more times, but I'm sure a good, careful edit will catch most of them. I'll be happy to point them out myself if you'd like, but I don't want to bog down this review.

Now, onto that ending! Such a powerful statement. I have no idea where this could possibly go from here.

I love Empress Maria's character. I feel like I have a good sense of who she is already, and this was such a short first chapter! How did the Kingdom come to be ruled by someone so young? What's the reader's status in all of this? Where's our date?!

I honestly can't wait to read part two of this.

Hope to see you around!




manilla says...


Hi!
Thanks for the review!

I meant "embedded" but I think AutoCorrect might've done something (I didn't go back and correct much...Confession). That also blames for the verb tense change, which I'll try to catch next time.

Anyways, thanks again. There will be a chapter 2.



manilla says...


(oops, posted in wrong thread. this site is confusing at first!)

@Nobunaga
I wrote this on Google Docs before shifting over after halfway through.



Nobunaga says...


It is >.< I've posted in the completely wrong thread like twice so far.



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Wed Mar 21, 2018 7:13 pm
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123pinkrose wrote a review...



I really like the use of second person in this. It works really well, to get the reader into playing the part as a character in a way. It also is amazingly detailed as well. I would only suggest is making "feet trembling in three inch heels" its own sentence instead of a phrase. Because I think that "Your feet trembled in your three inch heels" sounds better. But other than that this is really good and I cannot wait to read more of your writing.




manilla says...


Thank you for your amazing review! <3



manilla says...


@Nobunaga
I wrote this on Google Docs before shifting over after halfway through.




No spring nor summer beauty hath such grace as I have seen in one autumnal face.
— John Donne