Young Writers Society

Heya!

The present tense of this work feels odd, but present tense is so difficult to do right, and I rarely ever read it, so that may be why. I'll try not to get any tenses mixed up in my grammar notes!

Speaking of...

Yet I do not suggest the people with those born with determination, the fire that drives people to do amazing things. With fear, the fire dims, and we stay silent.

This is confusing. I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say here, or if there's accidental extra words, or what--

A war is soon to be waged, lest there be terrible bloodshed.

This kind of makes sense? But also, wars tend to have a lot of bloodshed, so it sounds a bit redundant? And backwards, even? “Bloodshed to stop bloodshed”? (Though, oh man, that sounds almost poetic in a way, lel)

The people cannot know, knowing that their beloved queen is a barbarian will strike them dead in the heart.

I would either break this into two sentences (between “know” and “knowing”), or replace the comma with a dash or semicolon. “know, knowing” is repetitive but breaking it into two, or changing the punctuation, might help that. The comma also feels a bit too fast? Whereas the other options call for a slightly longer pause and smooth out the pacing of it?
'The people cannot know. Knowing that their beloved queen is a barbarian would strike them dead in the heart.”
I think phrases such as this are also meant to be in past tense (with how the people would react, at least, like I wrote above), no matter the time of it being said or when it's referring to? Because it, like, considers an alternate array of events? I'm not sure, but that sounds better to me – switching “will” for “would”.

We need every single one of them for this cause, for this cause will sweep across the entirety of Alinys.

This is another instance of repetition that can be evened out with breaking the sentence. Otherwise I'd suggest rewording it so you don't have “for this cause” twice in a row. I get what you're trying to say, but it doesn't read well the way it currently is.

I scribble my signature quickly with my scarred hands on the letter, stuffing it away in my desk drawer.

There's a lot crammed into the middle of this sentence. You could chop it into multiple small sentences, trying to keep the hasty atmosphere, or you could exclude some parts. I'm assuming her scarred hands are an important note, otherwise that part can be omitted.
Alternatively, you could rewrite the whole thing to something smoother. Here's an example:
“I scribble my signature quickly, scarred hand racing the [pen? quill?] across parchment, stuffing it away in my desk drawer when it's finished.”

It's entirely up to you how you deal with this, or if you even decide to, but I think it could use some work.

“Why, Lady Ivanah…”
Her Majesty is right by the door, unassisted. Alone.
“A secret affair?” Empress Maria smiles innocently.

Oh heck, spooky.

“No, m’lady,” I say curtly. She nods, clasping her jeweled hands together, her delicate face framed by blonde, curling pigtails. A simple silver crown sits on her head, glimmering in the firelight. “Why don’t I have a look?”

Here, you should put her dialogue on a separate line, otherwise it reads as though the narrator is saying “Why don't I have a look?” and that could cause for some confusion.

When I hesitate, her face turns cold from calm to storm.

It sounds like you couldn't quite decide whether to say her face turned cold, or turned from calm to storm. I'd recommend choosing one and fixing this. Having both mushed together doesn't work very well. (This could easily be a mistake, I hope this note doesn't sound harsh. It's not meant to be harsh at all!)


And that's all!

Between this work, and Danser, this Empress seems... perceptive beyond human reason, or to things that others can barely see? (Much less in this work than Danser, as she probably saw the narrator writing here, but yeah).
She's ominous and spooky. I'd be very much scared of her if I lived in her world. Both works have ended with her in a threatening position. I'm interested in her overall effect on the world this takes place in, and whatever plot you've got intertwining it all.

The pacing in this one was decent. The shift from the dramatic monologue-esque beginning to the letter writing and an actual scene was probably why the pacing felt off, but it's only slight and not much to worry about. As far as I could tell, you kept the tense consistent – props on that. I frequently mess up and shift tenses when I try to do present tense. First person often screws with my writing as well, lel. But you've done a good job with both!

The imagery in this work wasn't as immersive and intriguing as in Danser, but I probably shouldn't be comparing them. I only do so because of their apparent shared world.


I hope this review helps you out some! Keep up the good work!

- Hatt

Manilla, my dear, I have to admit I'm a little disappointed that this isn't a Chapter 2 for Danser. That's just my little fan-girl heart breaking though, I'm not saying anything about this actual piece yet. But seriously you need to post a Chapter 2 to Danser. I will come for your life.

Anyway, moving on. Story wise, I'm already in love with your world. I'm absolutely digging this idea of an insane, murderous, cute little Queen. You can tell that she holds so much power and I'm very interested to learn about how she came into power and to hear more about this war that is being waged. Amazing. I'm so into this world.

Okay, now let's get into some grammar things and what-not.

First of all, if the opening two paragraphs are supposed to be the letter Lady Ivanah is writing, I would suggest putting them in italics in order to distinguish them from the regular writing here.

Next, there was only one sentence that I really had a problem with. This,

Yet I do not suggest the people with those born with determination, the fire that drives people to do amazing things.

didn't make any real sense once I read it. I tried reading it over and over again, and going back after I'd finished the prologue to read it again, but it still didn't click with me. I would suggest re-writing it to make your intentions more clear.

All in all, I'm not quite sure what is happening in this Prologue. I understand your wish to introduce some of the main plots of the story - the war, Empress Maria's reign, etc. - but I believe most of that could be introduced in just a regular old first chapter.

However, I did love that exchange between the Empress and Lady Ivanah. There was so much tension in that scene. You just knew the Lady was screwed.

All right, that's all! I'm anxiously awaiting your next post here! Specifically, a sequel to Danser - obviously, I'm obsessed.

Bye!