Young Writers Society

Hiya!

Gonna dive right into grammar things and yadda yah-- then content. You know the drill by now, yeah?

I will live. I have to live. Your thoughts are a muddled mess of raw human instinct and inescapable fear.

Given that these are thoughts, I'd put “I will live. I have to live.” in italics, otherwise it feels like a spotty indecisiveness off perspective in the prose.

Oh, and, Miss Natadova, you’ll still have take the girl with you.”

*Still have to

At this point, you just want to die and see your mother.

This line seems to imply that the mother is dead as well, in which case an “again” at the end of the sentence wouldn't be inappropriate. It's also not entirely necessary, but I think it creates a nicer flow of things. As it is, we can infer that the mother is also dead, but it feels out of place when it's not quite stated so. Not that you need to go “wHA your mom's dead”, but “again” would fix this up right quick.
It just feels like two separate ideas, and the “again” patches it all up. So yeaah-- Just suggestions, though, as usual!

In your slight agony, you lay back down with a harrumph. Where are you?

Agony is extreme pain and/or suffering. “Slight” feels like a contradiction to this. Perhaps swap agony out for a lighter synonym, to play off the use of “slight”?
Or use “soreness” or something else to indicate that some time has passed and the pain is mostly in your nerves' memories? Than being consciously experienced now. Like, there's no longer any new pain being added, it's just what you've got left over from the Empress's strike. That's the feeling I get from this scene, at least, but oops if I'm wrong!

Also, the “Where are you?” is kind of choppy. Maybe go with “You don't recognize your surroundings” or even a simple “You don't know where you are”, to avoid these portions that slightly ebb at my immersion. Wanna keep readers in the flow of your words, and these phrases don't really do it so well.

A blond figure steps into view, his blue eyes popping into the corner of your vision.

Oh, yay, you used “blond” without an E for a male character, nice. I get reprimanded for that sometimes, but *brandishes dictionary* So, haha, nice work.

He appears to be not too much older than the girl’s age. Possibly he's the nurse's apprentice, or something of some sort...

The first sentence is worded poorly. It could be reworded to “He appears only slightly older than the girl” (though then we might need clarification on which girl; the Empress? The witch? I'm assuming the witch, but it's been a while since she was explicitly named).

As for the second sentence, “something of some sort” is... Not good, I've gotta say. I was jettisoned right out of the story and halfway across my room by that line. You could keep the character's confusion by this man's occupation without wording it like this. Going with “He looks to be the nurse's apprentice, or something of that sort,” even, could be better.

It's the “of some sort” that particularly gets at me. Even “something” could be considered lazy writing? But I can see how it works here, so don't worry about it. Try to focus on the “of some sort...” (ellipses as well. I'm not a fan of ellipses in prose, and they're sketchy, even, in dialogue, so I use them sparingly, or never at all. (As you can see, I'm a big, fan, of, commas)).

I'd also suggest keeping an eye on that “Possibly he's” because it's not a strong sentence start either.

But good luck working that sentence out! I hope these notes help.

It's only now you start your surroundings beyond the strange boy that stands in the middle of the room.

Start what? Looks like you're missing a word here! I'm also not sure if it should be “that stands” or “who stands”, since it's in reference to the boy.

Oh, also, our character realizes that she's in a hospital room right after this, but given that she presumed the boy was a nurse's apprentice, it seems like she almost already knew that? Unless the boy is dressed like a nurse's apprentice (which I assume he is, but you didn't quite specify), then her assumption if kind of odd and makes her sudden realization that it is a hospital room feel... fake?
Back-tracking a bit, maybe you could say “Based on his attire, he seems to be the nurse's apprentice, or something of that sort.” for the sentence in the previous quote. Then, bang-a-rang, that's all fixed up nice.

Moving along!

Empress Maria was merciful enough not to let you die.

This is wordy and an awkward way of saying it. Maybe just go with “merciful enough to let you live”? Or some variation of that, that isn't “not to let you die”. Try mentioning life instead of death. It feels more natural, I guess?

(i.e. “Oh she let me live” instead of “Oh she let me not die”)

"A girl...And a boy?" you murmur deliriously. "Do I have to take care of you both?"

Hahaha, poor Natadova.

"Gods, no," the boy smirks. "Who would want a crone like you for a mother?"

And then roasted!

The boy sighs. "I'm Yulian. Pleased to be your acquaintance."
Acquaintance!? He just called you an old crone!

I'm not a fan of these two lines. Yulian's sigh feels out of place, but I'll leave it be beyond that note. I'm more concerned with the second line. Acquaintance indicates someone you know, or have met, but haven't formed a strong enough bond with to consider them friends, more-or-less. Whether they've teased you (as I didn't take Yulian's “old crone” comment to be so malicious) or not, doesn't change their stance as acquaintance? So Natadova's “Acquaintance!?” and then the reasoning behind her aversion to the term here-- it isn't quite practical.

She seems to have lost a lot of blood, and she's not in her right mind entirely, but it's still not a great way to portray your character and it pulls me from the story for what seems like a cheaper attempt at humor?

It might not have even been an attempt at humor, but that's the vibe I got. The story is good, and you've got a few parts that (whether intentionally or not) are kind of funny. But I wouldn't want to see you undermining all this for a cheap joke here or there, especially when the joke breaks the flow of your story.

I'd recommend removing this line entirely, or rewriting it to perhaps simply state that Natadova is adverse to the term here? The “He just called you an old crone!” is the worst offender here, so if anything, at least change that.

Hopefully that didn't come off too harshly! Moving on--

He acts a lot more mature than his physical age, and his open mouth had revealed fangs.

I'm assuming “had” here meant, like, possessed, as opposed to “it revealed”. If it's the latter, then you should fix it to apply to the story's present tense. Even if it's the former (like I guess it is), it threw me off a bit on what the tense was, but it can probably be left. It mainly depends on your meaning.

(*If “open mouth had revealed fangs” is in the sense of, like, “his mouth held [now] exposed fangs”, then you can leave it. If it's “his open mouth had revealed his fangs”, then you should change it to fit the present tense.)

But they are both children, your common sense argues. At least they appear to be.

I'd slap a comma after “At least”.

"I assume you know who I am," you croak, your cheeks flaring red at the hoarseness of your ruined voice.

Well he did just address her by name, lel.

Perhaps he does, and the past twenty-four hours have only been a mere, fleeting dream.

Also, how can she be so sure that she wasn't out for longer?

You were nearly executed the other day. It couldn't get too much worse. A chill runs down your spine. Maria has the right to execute you.

This line immediately contradicts the 24 hours thing from the previous portion I quoted by saying it was “the other day”. You should try to fix this so as to avoid timeline confusion and keep consistency.


And that's all for grammar! This was a decent addition to the story, content-wise. Not a lot happened, but we got a little more information on the circumstances with the witch girl? The pacing and flow were both pretty good, and aside from the few mistakes I mentioned above, it was written quite well.

It did, however, verge on simply being filler, and you want to avoid that with an entire chapter (even as short as this). I understand you were trying to get something out, anything out, but in the future, try to make sure that your chapters progress the plot even just a little. This didn't so much progress the plot as it showed us that our character isn't dead and it gave us a morsel of insight into what's to come.


Anyway, keep up the good work! I hope this review wasn't too harsh, and if you have any questions, feel free to message me!

-Hatt