A Titleless Story (6)

1stViolinS.C. -
Thank you so much for your review and taking your time to read this, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. I'm so glad you like my story, you've made me extra happy by saying that, so thank you!!

Ashley--
What can I say, ash? You're one of my most faithful critiquers, so thank you so much for reviewing this for a second time, you really are too nice to me, so thank you, thank you, thank youuu!!

And an extra thank you to all you lovely people who take their time to read and review my pieces, I really can't tell you how much it means to me *beams happily*

Wow, Luc, I’m sorry that I haven’t read this yet. I’ve been so bad with reviews lately. But here I am. Hopefully it is some help to you.

Slowly, she slumped up in the very unfamiliar bed, her head cloudy and confused.

She looked around the unfamiliar room before her, trying to separate the memories in her muggy brain.

“I don’t know Rosetta … I just don’t know.”

AUGH!!! I can't believe the chapter ended! I can't believe that Jared has a new girlfriend!
Anyways, I like your story. I really couldn't find much to critique about it. It was pretty good. (sorry, this is definitely not a helpful review ) Please write more before I go into Titleless Story withdrawal!!!

Thank you, Sky sooo much for your detailed review, it will come in extremely helpful when I start editing it. Thank you for all of your suggestions, which I promise to work on, and just thank you so much for taking your time to R&R this - I really can't thank you enough

--Lucyy xx

Hey there, Lucy! Here as promised. I read through the previous chapters and chose this one. ^_^
On with the reviewing. (I can be really, really harsh, but it's only because I care. Don't be offended. )

“Rosaline, breakfast! ROSALINE!”

A writer as good as yourself should not have to use Caps Locks to express a character speaking in a loud voice. Nix the Caps.

Slowly, she slumped up in the very unfamiliar bed, her head cloudy and confused.

Dont use the word 'very'. It kills the flow.

She looked around the unfamiliar room before her, trying to separate the memories in her muggy brain.

You've repeated the word 'unfamiliar' again. Here would be an ideal opportunity to insert some description of the surroundings. The room - what can she see? what's the furniture like? does it smell of anything distinctive? are there any strange traits about it? what does the bed feel like underneath her? describe her emotions, etc. Show the reader it's unfamiliar, rather than just saying plainly, 'it's unfamiliar'. It would improve it miles.

Scrunching up her eyes against the pounding in her head,

You can't scrunch your eyes up AGAINST pounding. I'm not sure what you meant by this. I would rephrase as, "Scrunching her eyes up as the pounding in her head intensified" or something like that.

Rosaline groped at the bottom of the big bed that was taking up most the space in the little bedroom, trying to find her dressing gown.

Awkward sentence. Rephrase: The big bed was taking up most of the space in the little bedroom. Rosaline groped around at the bottom of it, trying to find her dressing gown.
I think here would be another opportunity to insert details, descriptions, surroundings. Embellish, elaborate. 'Big' and 'little' are plain, insignificant words that primary school children use in their description. You're a good writer, you can think of better!

“Rosaline, I-” Rosetta came banging into the bedroom, but stopped abruptly at the sight of her sister ambling aimlessly around the bedroom, obviously trying to look for something.

The alliteration of 'ambling aimlessly' sounds off, ludicrous in the situation. Also, ambling seems the wrong word as she's hardly casual - which is what ambling is related with. She's more bewildered. I'd change it to 'fumbling' or something along those lines.

Rosaline just answered her with a disgruntled groan, clutching her head.

Nix the 'just.'

“Well, I’ll just go then … Breakfast is ready by the way,” Rosetta ended, exiting the room swiftly and silently.

Nix the 'just'.

Rosaline collapsed back onto the bed, feeling the pain in her head subside a little. After a few seconds, Rosaline got up and pushed the bedroom door open, having given up entirely on looking for her dressing gown. She just wanted some food and a nice hot shower.

This is all a bit rushed and lacks description. It doesn't urge the reader to continue reading, as it were. Flesh it out a bit. Describe her emotions and the surroundings.

As Rosaline made her way down the stairs, she spotted numerous photos of Rosetta, Kenso and Jared and on occasion pictures of a blonde haired little girl with dimples, whom Rosaline had never seen before.

Comma after 'occasion.'

Quickening her footsteps, Rosaline walked through the brightly furnished lounge (which showed off Rosetta and Kenso’s rather eccentric interior design) and froze in the middle, next to a bright green beanie bag.

I would not reccomend the use of brackets here. Brackets always tend to make the story sound like a diary entry, like it's suddenly become personal and the main character is addressing the reader. Which is virtually impossible, as this is in the third person. ^_^ The content inside the brackets is insignificant, so get rid of both brackets and their contents.

Jared looked as though he nearly dropped his.

This is really awkward. I'd rephrase as : Jared nearly let his drink slip out of his hand.

Simultaneously, Rosaline was aware of three things: her black hair was sticking up at odd angles and was in need of a wash; her face was pale and drawn from a restless night and a pounding headache; and she was wearing her pyjamas.

Yay! Description! XD

She had never looked the least attractive in all her life.

Awkward. Rephrase: She had never looked as unattractive in all her life.

Why did Jared choose to show up at this moment?

This should be in italics, as it's her thoughts.

Admittedly, she rather he hadn’t of shown up at all, but why did he have to pick this moment of all moments?

Grammatically incorrect. Rephrase: She would rather he hadn't shown up at all. But why did he have to pick this moment? Of all moments possible?

“Hey, Rosaline,” Jared said, his voice just as soft and deep as Rosaline had remembered it, but quivering slightly from the shock of seeing her.

Nice detail.

“H-h-hey,” Rosaline stammered, staring at the neon yellow rug Rosetta and Jared were both standing on. “I … erm … just going to get that breakfast. See you, Jared,” Rosaline looked up into those emerald green eyes that she had never forgotten for a fleeting second before fleeing from the room and into the kitchen.

Fleeting and fleeing sound too similar. Replace one of them.

“Well, that took her by surprise.” Jared gave a nervous chuckle. “I maybe should have waited?”

Rephrase that last bit: "Maybe I should have waited?"

She turned the TV on for background sound and turned her blue eyes towards Jared’s motionless form.

Detail about the TV sound = insignificant.

Rosaline slumped against the open doorframe, gasping at the thought of this girl: Cerise. She let the name roll round on her tongue: Cer-isse, dragging out the last syllable. The name felt dirty and unwelcome upon her tongue.

Good narrative control.

Straightening herself up, Rosaline made her way out of the kitchen and back upstairs. She needed a nice hot shower to help wash away the unwelcome thoughts dirtying her brain.

This is the second time you've repeated, 'nice hot shower'. Never use the word nice unless a characters saying it, it kills all emotional atmospheres. Mabye have Rosaline say this in her thoughts, in italics? If you really want to keep it in.

Rosaline didn’t like the thought of Jared with another woman. She couldn’t believe he’d betrayed her like this. Her, of all people.

'Her, of all people' is a bit of a cliche. Nix?

[b]Right, Lucy! The end was a bit melodramatic for my liking, but good.

Your character Rosaline is very well developed. You've obviously taken great care in getting to know her well; knowing how she'd react in the different situations and interact with different characters, according to who they are. Her personality itself isn't coming across that well, but you still have time for that. Just work on conveying her emotions more to the reader. You could have made this chapter a lot more bittersweet and less simplistic. Just engage with the reader by adding emotions and your character will be good.

You need to work on description of surroundings and making it seem less simplistic. You have a lot of tiny sentences that don't serve their purpose and slow down the story. Elaborate, embellish, engage with your reader and this story will improve so much.

The dialogue was good, realistic in most parts. Just make sure that you don't have your characters say insignificant things that do not really matter to the story, do not have any symbolism, or aren't helping the story progress further.

Good luck, Lucy! This story has real potential and you have great ideas. You just need to flesh it out a bit.

Sarah

xxx

I really liked it! I looked at your previous chapters and I thought you improved too.

You will just have to find out
And thank you for pointing that out, I will change it ASAP Thank you so much for reading this and I'm so glad you think I've improved, so thank you (:
--Lucyy xx

lucyy-
I have a feeling when I read this chapter that Cerise is a little girl and not a grown woman. It's just a thought that came upon my mind.

All I found for mistakes were...

“Of course, of course! Rosetta flapped her hands at him, gesturing for him to go. “Say hi to her for me!”
I think you're looking for a " after of course. Because that's where the converastion has ended.

Other than that, I found no further mistakes. You've improved quite well, Lucyy. Keep me posted for chapter four.

-Merry

Thank you daytripper and zonked basically means knackered - I wasn't too sure whether word would let me use it, but it did (: I apologise for any confusion =P
--Lucyy xx

2/2 thorough review!

“I maybe should have waited?”

zonked

what with the jet lag,

“Of course, of course!

Thank you so much for the review, ash. I will sort out what you pointed out, adn just thanks again for reading this!! =D
--Lucyy xx

lucyy wrote:Chapter Three – His girl, Cerise

“Rosaline, breakfast! ROSALINE!”
Rosaline awoke with a jolt, her head pounding.
Slowly, she slumped up in the very unfamiliar bed, her head cloudy and confused. She looked around the unfamiliar room before her, trying to separate the memories in her muggy brain. Then something clicked – she was in Rosetta’s house. Although, she still couldn’t quite remember how she came to be in this slightly small bedroom. It must be jet-lag kicking in. I think this last sentence should be in italics, just because it sounds like one of her thoughts.
Rosaline swung her legs to the side of the bed and stood up a little too quickly. Her head spun momentarily, causing her to grip the bedside table and groan aloud.
Scrunching up her eyes against the pounding in her head, Rosaline groped at the bottom of the big bed that was taking up most the space in the little bedroom, trying to find her dressing gown.
“Rosaline, I-” Rosetta came banging into the bedroom, but stopped abruptly at the sight of her sister ambling aimlessly around the bedroom, obviously trying to look for something.
“What’s up?” Rosetta asked, dropping her voice an octave lower.
Rosaline just answered her with a disgruntled groan, clutching her head.
“Well, I’ll just go then … Breakfast is ready by the way,” Rosetta ended, exiting the room [s]swiftly and silently[/s] This last part isn't needed because it makes the sentence drag.
Rosaline collapsed back onto the bed, feeling the pain in her head subside a little. After a few seconds, Rosaline got up and pushed the bedroom door open, having given up entirely on looking for her dressing gown. She just wanted some food and a nice hot shower.
As Rosaline made her way down the stairs, she spotted numerous photos of Rosetta, Kenso and Jared and [s]on[/s] an [s]occasion[/s] occasional picture of a blonde haired little girl with dimples, whom Rosaline had never seen before. I'm guessing the girl is Rosetta's daughter, right? If it is, maybe hint at it in some way, like maybe she resembles Kenso or Rosetta or something like that.
Rosaline’s footsteps slowed as she studied the photos, and she felt a sudden pang of longing and pain for the years she had missed out on. There were about two pictures displayed of her and Rosetta, but they were pictures taken years ago; there were none of them together as they were now.
Quickening her footsteps, Rosaline walked through the brightly furnished lounge (which showed off Rosetta and Kenso’s rather eccentric interior design) and froze in the middle, next to a bright green beanie bag. She had just heard a male’s voice drifting to her from the kitchen.
Jared’s voice.
Rosaline was just about to slip away when both Rosetta and Jared entered the lounge, both holding a mug of coffee. Jared looked as though he nearly dropped his. This last sentence is really awkard. Maybe try: Jared nearly dropped his as the sight of her or something like that.
Simultaneously, Rosaline was aware of three things: her black hair was sticking up at odd angles and was in need of a wash; her face was pale and drawn from a restless night and a pounding headache; and she was wearing her pyjamas. She had never looked the least attractive in all her life. Why did Jared choose to show up at this moment? Admittedly, she rather he hadn’t of shown up at all, but why did he have to pick this moment of all moments? This probably should be in italics since it is her thoughts.
“Hey, Rosaline,” Jared said, his voice just as soft and deep as Rosaline had remembered it, but quivering slightly from the shock of seeing her. Okay, this is her frist time seeing him in years. What does he look like? Does he look different? The same?
“H-h-hey,” Rosaline stammered, staring at the neon yellow rug Rosetta and Jared were both standing on. “I … erm … just going to get that breakfast. See you, Jared,” Rosaline looked up into those emerald green eyes that she had never forgotten [s]for a fleeting second[/s] Again, this part isn't needed before fleeing from the room and into the kitchen.
“Well, that took her by surprise.” Jared gave a nervous chuckle. “I maybe should have waited?”
“I won’t say I told you so …” Rosetta said, moving over to the black loveseat, placed opposite the TV. She turned the TV on for background sound and turned her blue eyes towards Jared’s motionless form.
“So, what are you going to say to her?” Rosetta asked him softly.
Slowly, Jared closed his emerald gems and pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers, as though experiencing a headache. He scrunched his face up and whispered, so quietly that Rosetta leant forward on the sofa to hear, “I don’t know comma Rosetta … I just don’t know.” Jared sighed, opening his eyes, and moved over to sit on the leather loveseat, beside Rosetta.
“Have you had a chance to talk to her yet?” Jared asked, his head inclined towards Rosetta’s.
“Not really, Jared. She’s totally zonked out at the moment, what with the jet lag, so I haven’t had a proper chance to talk with her.” Rosetta answered, pushing her hand through her straggly blonde hair.
Jared sighed for a second time, burying his face in his hands. “It’s all such a mess,” he mumbled, falling silent.
So suddenly, that he startled Rosetta, Jared was on his feet, placing his coffee mug onto the bean-shaped coffee table. “I’ve got to get back to Cerise, she’ll be wondering where I am …” Jared trailed off awkwardly,
“Of course, of course!" Rosetta flapped her hands at him, gesturing for him to go. “Say hi to her for me!”
“Sure,” Jared replied, leaving the lounge. Rosetta stayed seated, listening to Jared slam the front door close and then drive out of the driveway, and back to his girl, Cerise.
Turning back to the TV, Rosetta turned the volume up and switched over to some mindless sitcom, letting her mind wonder to Kenso and the love they both shared …

***

Rosaline slumped against the open doorframe, gasping at the thought of this girl: Cerise. She let the name roll round on her tongue: Cer-isse, dragging out the last syllable. The name felt dirty and unwelcome upon her tongue.
Straightening herself up, Rosaline made her way out of the kitchen and back upstairs. She needed a nice hot shower to help wash away the unwelcome thoughts dirtying her brain.
Rosaline didn’t like the thought of Jared with another woman. She couldn’t believe he’d betrayed her like this. Her, of all people.
Oh, shut up you stupid bitch, Rosaline mentally shouted at herself, you’re just a clingy person who can’t and won’t move on. You should be glad. You should have known it would happen – that Jared would end up in love with someone else. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself and move on, just like Jared has. But as Rosaline said those words to herself, she still couldn’t help the feeling of betrayal and disloyalty that was filling her every bone: angering her to the point of screaming. How could Jared love someone else?
How could he betray her this way?

Thank you both soo much, I really can't tell you how much your comments mean to be *beams* so thank you
I'm glad you're both enjoying the story and just yeah ... thank you (:
--Lucyy xx

you're writing has improved. I really liked this chapter because you have used more detail and emotion. I cant wait for the next chapter. I like this bit the best because it is really what some1 would really feel.

Oh, shut up you stupid bitch, Rosaline mentally shouted at herself, you’re just a clingy person who can’t and won’t move on. You should be glad. You should have known it would happen – that Jared would end up in love with someone else. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself and move on, just like Jared has. But as Rosaline said those words to herself, she still couldn’t help the feeling of betrayal and disloyalty that was filling her every bone: angering her to the point of screaming. How could Jared love someone else?

How could he betray her this way?

Oh. My. Gosh. That was such a good chapter; way to continue it. I loved how you smoothly slided the point of view from Rosaline to Rosetta, it made the chapter so much more.....interesting. There's a lot of drama in this story as it is, but when I heard the name "Cerise" my jaw like hit the floor. Nice forshadowing, too.

How could he betray her this way?