** I am no longer using YWS but I'd like to say thank you to everyone who commented on my work and helped me to improve it - you guys are seriously amazing and I love you all. Thank you!! 
xx **
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
This made me giggle, he seems so proud of himself!
Ok, why were they in her sisters room?!
Again, this was great, well done!
Thank you so much *beams at your comment* - you're too kind =D. Thank you also for taking your time to read and review this, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it!!
--Lucyy xx
Hey.
Well. this was great. I have never reveiwed something from one of the "Romantic Fiction" pages but i will definatly be back for more of this. I LOVED it. Its a really interesting plot and im not going to waste your time telling you what mistakes you have made because a lot of people above me alreay have. Well done. You have talent.
Thank you so much for reading this, and your suggestions, I will definitely take into account what you said, and work on improving her character's depth, so thank you for pointing that out!!
--Lucyy xx
Hey there luccy!!!
Here are some things that I liked...
Rosaline and Jared are adorable together. I also like how both the couples are twins, it makes the story more interesting. I always used to wonder about how this would work out mean. I mean, if one couple gets married it would be kinda weird....
You also have a very simple, elegant way of describing things. Its not too overwhelming and it doesn't poke the reader in the eyes, if you know what I mean? I think they call it purple prose?
Things that can be improved...
I felt that Rosaline was like a robot. I mean you described what she saw perfectly and you can feel her every emotion, its just that I can't get inside of her head. I feel like Edward wondering aimlessly what Bella is thinking (sorry about the Twilight comparison ^_^) Make us hear what she feels instead of seeing. Make her real.
Other than that, your characters are developed well and with a few more tweaks here and there this can be greater than it already is.
Keep writing,
~Angie
Haha no problem!
Yeah I got my quote html thing ready and I was like oh my god - nothing's wrong!
Yayy so pleased thank youuuu (: I worked so hard at the improvement, I'm glad you liked it woop woop, so happy
& lol i know, i would never have thought so many people would read and review my work - it's surreal d:
Thank you daytripper for reviewing this for a second time & i'm so glad you like it
Lucyy xx
Look at Lucy go with all her reviews, Little miss popular over hurr(:
:D:D
Haha okay let's see...
Oh.. wow. Just, wow - great job. There's nothing wrong with it (from my perspective)
you mastered it all, Lucy!
WOW! Great job
Thank you so much ashley, I'm glad you like it yayy so happy
& thank you so much for reading it and just thank you (i say that too much d: )
Lucyy xxxx
Hey Luc! I'm back and ready to critique! Hope this one is just as helpful as the last one
You did so well with the rewrite. So much more description and expansion.
And I'm afraid it won't be because I found absolutely nothing wrong with this!
Wonderful Work!
Thank you everyone for your critiques, they came in soo helpful in the process of altering this. I hope this is alot better, but critique is still very much welcome!!
Thank you all very much & off I go & make a start on altering part two!
Lucyy xx
The promised critique. Sorry it took so long.
Should be all right.
Can't smile words. Period instead of comma.
I believe you mean she scolded (the S should NOT be capitalized). Also, there is no need for comma after ballroom.
This doesn't add up. She acts like a prude, but then a moment later she's inviting him back to her place?
Small h
.
Comma instead of period.
First off, you could have made the tension in the moment where Rosetta announced the engagement much more tense. There were two things that did not make sense to me: One, Rosaline freaked out when she heard her sister come home. So why did she suddenly not care and they walked in half-naked. The second thing is, why are they both so upset at the end? Just because the other two are getting married doesn't mean they can't.
Otherwise, I can honestly say I wasn't bored. I also didn't skim. So you're doing something right.
Keep writing.
Having just got back from holiday I'm so overwhelmed at all the comments I've got & I can't thank you all enough for reading my story & critiquing it to help make it better, it means a lot to me so thank you ....
Anyways, thank you for reading & critiquing this & I will get to altering what you've pointed out straightaway. It was very helpful, so thank youuu (:
& thank you so much for reading this (:
& I will alter this to make sure I have detailed descriptions of my characters as you all pointed out (rightly so) there was hardly any, oops hehe
In the moonlight:
No problem, I'm glad I remembered to PM you hehe & thanks so much for your critique, I will get to altering it straight away. Thank you for your help & I'm really glad you're enjoying this (:
ashleylee:
No problem, I extremely enjoyed reading Poisoned Roses & I've spied that you've posted another two chapters, which I must read
night mistress:
yeah, they could still be together if they wanted to, but Rosaline doesn't see it like that, I think I need to make that more clear, which I will do ... & yeah, any ideas or tips for me is totally welcome & i shall be looking at the next chapter to Poison Love as soon as, thank you for telling me
salashanno:
I'm glad you liked the size, I was a bit worried that I had made it too long & thank you for pointing out the punctuation, I shall definitely get to altering that straight away & yeah I really think I need to make it clear about the whole issue of being related by marriage and stuff, so thank you for pointing it out & thank you again for reading it (:
wiggy:
thnak you & i know its probably legal but I'm trying to address the ethical issues that Rosaline has of the whole being in love with my brother-in-law thing, which I really need to make clear lol & thanks for reading (:
emmasweetie100:
You are too sweet, thank you so much, you've made my day (: hehe & thank you (again)
praisejoe:
I'm glad you like the story & yeas I'll definitely be addressing all my punctuation problems hehe & thank you for reading this
Thank you all so much for your kind comments & ever so helpful critiques, it made coming back to dreary england worth it hehe. I will try & alter everything as soon as possible & thank you again for reading this,
Lucyy xx
nice cute story. i think there are few punctuation problems. do erase them
really cute story
OMG that was the greatest romantic fiction story i had ever read! if u are writing a book, or have already written one, tell me, okay? you have some raw talent! your sooo good! it brought tears to my eyes
Hey! Cute story, and I really enjoyed reading it. Unfortunately, I don't think your premise will work. As far as I know, it's allowed for people to marry if they're brother and sister-in-law. Correct me if I'm wrong...but I have seen a case where that happened! Two sisters married two different brothers, and it was perfectly legal! They told their story at some family conference thing we went to.
Any questions, feel free to pm!
Hiya! Sorry it took me so long to get over here and review this. I've had your PM sitting in my inbox far too long.
Also, I didn't think that this was too long. It was a good size for a chapter. My chapters are always wayy too short.
[quote="lucyy"
“Well he won’t be seeing it ‘till we get to the party, I’m keeping it a surprise, but I’m glad you like it.” [/quote]
This seems a bit long. Maybe put a semi-colon before but?
You should be your.
For some reason I can't picture someone giggling after saying that. It just doesn't fit, you know? Just a suggestion, keep it if you like.
Wait! They're two sets of twins? I didn't know that! Maybe you mentioned it in the prologue and I didn't pick up on, or you never mentioned it at all. Either way, I think you could mention this beforehand.
Overall: This felt like a second prologue. The writing was good, but a plot seemed to be lacking. And why were they so upset that they were getting married? I'm assuming that's something you'll address in the next chapter. The descriptions were pretty good, the writing was good, but I was beginning to loose interest halfway through. However, the potential is definitely there, and it seems like you'll expand more on everything in the coming chapters. When you post them, PM me! I'd like to see how everything plays out.
-Shannon
ummmm...they could still be together even thought his brother and her sister are together. i know that kinda of sick.
i don't see anything wrong with this chapter. But can i share some of my ideas with you? it's totally up to you sinee this is your story.
by the way, chapter four of Poison Love is up.
Hey, Lucyy! I wanted to repay you the favor of reviewing, since you read my whole series, which I greatly appreciate by the way
But, back to your story…
I thought it was good. You had all the elements of a wonderful love story. But I do think that you rushed to the end, as though excited to get there. I felt that you skipped over some important details, like the relationship between Kenso and Rosetta. I think you could have gone into more detail there.
Also, I felt that at the end, where you were describing both twins was VERY confusing. You have to somehow make the twins unique from each other. Like maybe Jared has a mole on his cheek that Kenso doesn’t….or Rosetta has dimples. Something like that because I was kind of lost there.
I did notice with your sentences that you use semicolons when you don’t need to. Here are a few that I noticed:
These two sentences with the semicolons are incorrect. Just simply change the semi’s to normal commas and it will work
Now, you seem to do the opposite as well. Here are a few sentences that instead of commas could use semi’s:
The comma after “expression” should be a semi.
The comma after “sitting beside her” should be a semi.
Another thing is with dialogue, you missed using a comma instead of a period in a few spots:
Should be a small “s” on “she”
Comma instead of a period after “dancing”
Small “h” on “he”
Comma instead of a period after “toast”
Then I noticed just a few spelling things:
“away” is one word
“graveled” instead of “gravelled”
Otherwise, I did find this extremely adorable. I loved the part where Jared was making her breakfast. Very cute
Keep up the good work, Lucyy!
Hey. Just letting you know that WILL get back to this - I'm out of time right now, and I can't even glance at it. But know that I will give you a cirtique, as requested, soon
Gosh- I love this story so far. Thanx for private messaging me or I would have missed out on this great chapter. Although I loved it I have to critique it so that it can get much better. I mean, not that it wasn't already great, but.......okay I'm just gonna critique.
CAN'T WAIT FOR MORE!!! 
Jared’s hand froze in place at the top of Rosetta’s thigh and he felt Rosetta’s profile stiffen beneath his hand. [quote]
Shouldn't his hand be on Rosaline's thigh. That confused me, but it's probably just a typo. And in other parts of the story I thought it moved to fast. You could have described the romance between Jared and Rosaline a bit more. Plus I didn't know Kenso and Rosetta were so close that they wanted to get married. Maybe you should explain their love a little bit more as well. On the flip side I think you did an excellent job on the first part of a really good story.
P.S. The Titleless Story is actually growing on me as a title. Oh, and describe the characters more. I really only knew that rose and rosa had blue eyes and blonde hair.
Daytripper --
yayy hehe. Aww, you're so sweet (:
Thank you so much for your help, I will alter those mistakes straightaway (: & thank you so much, I'm so glad you like the story already
Merry --
Haha, well i'm just a nit-picky reviewer, but i like your reviews too hehe
Lol, my friend loves 30 seconds to mars & I'm just starting to get into them, lol so weird you mention the band hehe
Lol thank you so much, glad you like it & don't worry I won't tell you what happens yet.
Thank you so much both of you for reading & revieiwng this & I'm so glad you like this!!
A very happy lucy (: xxx
Lucyy-
First off...his name's Jared. Hehe. Like 30 seconds to Mars Jared...Leto. Anyway, let me start. you know that I don't do what you do when reviewing. I do my own thing...just to let you know.
well I don't think it was that long, it gave you more insight of the characters.
dude, so they're like twins? both the guys and girls? that's so cool! {never really met a twin}
I just love the chemistry between Jared and Rosaline. The moonlight dancing, those desirable kisses and just the passion they have for each other.
okay, I have to say that the breakfast was hilarious! For me, I guess it's hard for men to make breakfast.
The wedding thing was maybe a little to fast for Kenso and Rosetta. But I guess there's a purpose behind that.
oh, and I like how this is 15 yrs. into the past. it gives you what happened back then.
What's going to happen for Jared and Rosaline? STOP! Don't tell me. I wanna read on...
so yes, this is how I review. it may not be helpful, but it's how I do it.
-Merry
~pm me when the next ch. goes up~
Hiya, I'm back [ again ] and as requested, I will review your story!(:
Alright - I think you have a coma fever. d: Take out the coma after 'who' and 'always'.
Actually, you're doing fairly well with your coma's now!(: but the coma after party should be a dash.
None
Take out the coma after ballroom and change 'Christmas-y' to Christmas - like music.
How would she know this when she just woke up?
Since you've already used that say "...of them together."
Characters:
Rosaline and Jared: They are an adorable couple. Rosaline should show more thought though, and Jared should show more thought. Maybe even some description on what they look like would help too.
Rosetta and Kenso: Interesting names, but they seem happy all together. I can feel the sisterly vibe between her and her twin sister which is great. They are obviously not your main characters, but they are given a great deal of participation which is also great.
Plot: Wait... if they get Married, then that means Jared and Rosaline can't be together because they'll be brother and sister in law?! WOW! I would have never had thought of something as creative as that! Good Job!!
Overall: Lucy, you did amazingly well on this. I can't even say how much, sorry, better this was from your other pieces. You really seem to want to make this a good story and you have. Your run-on and coma nazi is pleased with how well you were able to control that fever! haha. The overall story was amazing and I'm proud of you!(:
Any questions, you know what to do(: