A Titleless Story (4)

Thank you very much for reading this, and I shall fix that as soon as!!
--Lucyy xx

She was no longer the Rosaline Radley Jared and her sister once knew; she was now a heartbroken soul, lost in a big city.

fun4eva --
Of course I'm not angry, I'm still pleased you took your time to read and review this, so thank you & thank you for your thoughts, I will definitely look at emotion when I go go through this again. Thank you for your review - it was helful, so thank you again (: and sure I can PM you, no problem

Jemima --
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing this & I'm glad you liked that part, it was kinda difficult to write, it was like I knew what I wanted to happen but it was hard to put on papaer if you know what I mean, but I got there in the end hehe. Thank you again for taking your time to read and review it

Lucyy xx

I thought ur first chapter was good, you're writings has improved. I like how u gave ur main character more of personality. I liked this part she really seems parnoid. Rosaline straightened up and mentally reprimanded herself for letting herself get into such a state, and let the strong padlock of her forbidden thoughts lock them back up again. She dropped the silent phone into her purse, and pulled it firmly onto place on her shoulder. Rosaline turned round and inspected her rather distressed self in the empty shop window. Her piercing blue eyes instantly locked on the blonde roots peeking through her regularly dyed black hair; she needed to book a hairdresser’s appointment. After doing a mental checklist of her appearance: high shoes I can hardly walk in? Yes. Horrible black hair tied back? Yes. Boring black pencil skirt and jacket combo? Yes. Entirely unrecognisable from my old, fun, colourful self? Yes, yes, yes. Rosaline carried on her walk to the office block, her pained expression turning into a blank mask, so that if anyone was to glance in her direction, they would think she was a cold, boring woman. Which was true. She was no longer the Rosaline Radley Jared and her sister once knew; she was now a heartbroken soul, lost in a big city.

hey luccy!!
hope you aren't angry for delaying so much!!
Really really sorry..
well...you might find my review completely worthless but I guess you don't even need it anymore anyways here goes:

How tragic.

Taking a quick sip of her latte she picked up on her walk in to work, she waved a polite hello to Heidi, the receptionist and made her way up the winding staircase, her black patent heels click-clacking on the marble surface.

CJeanene --
Thank you sooo much for reading this & I'm glad you like it!! I must admit, that I do love that last sentence as well hehe. And of course I'll check your work out, no problem, it's the least I can do & I love a bit of romantic fiction
Thanks again,
Lucyy xx

I am so not going to say anything negative, because I bet most of that is above. But I am going to say that I am completely hooked to this story.

This is amazing and terribly tense and wonderful.

I really can't wait to hear more.

I loved the part where you said she was about to unlock the paddlock for good. It just was such an awesome sentence that caught me. It left me dangling.

I am really looking forward to seeing more. Please let me know when you do.

Maybe you could read my Romantic Fiction as well. It is No Title... A work in Progress..

Once again, that was such a great story and I can't wait to read more.

ashley --
Thank you for your second review, it's going to come in so handy when I edit it again - I love detailed critiques Thank you for your help and for reviewing it a second time

emma --
Aww, you are too sweet, your reviews always make me smile *extra happy lucy* & thank you so much for reading this & I'm glad you enjoyed it!!

Lucyy xx

Wowowowowow! this one was even better then the last one, and thats saying something!!! Great work!.. and seriously, once again, if you EVER plan to make this into a book, pm me asap, okay? cuz this is great stuff! I LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey, lucyy! Here is my review #2 Be warned, I'm am going to be SUPER SUPER nitpicky because this is your second rewrite so...if I sound harsh, I apologize ahead of time.

lucyy wrote:Rosaline Radley stepped out of the bright yellow taxi and onto the sparkling How is is sparkling? Is it because of the sun? Be more specific. side-walk. She paid her driver, tipping him generously as she felt sorry for him having to put up with her moody looks all journey. Why is she moody? And why would the driver care? He drives moody people all the time... She gave him a bright, false smile and turned on her heel into the huge throng of people making their way into work. Rosaline couldn’t see left or right for the swarm of chatting, rushing, tired Lots of descriptions here, making this sentence kind of choppy. Work on making it smoother. people all around her.

Rosaline always loved the short walk to her office block. She loved to lose herself in the sea of people; it was a chance to become anonymous, not the point of curious stares and glances of her co-workers. I'm not sure what you mean by this last part of this sentence..."not the point of curious stares and glances of her co-workers"? Try to make more clear about what you mean?

It was a very hot day today, the sun [s]was[/s] beating down upon Rosaline and the crowd of New York; the heat was forming slight beads of perspiration on the back of her exposed neck. She had just placed one of her cool hands on the clammy, ivory skin of her neck, when she felt her cell phone vibrate from the depths of her purse. Again. Sighing, Rosaline came to an abrupt halt, causing a few people to shout out or glare at her, annoyed at her lack of thought of those around her.

Completely oblivious to the looks she was receiving, Rosaline moved over into the cool shade of a shop window and pulled open her purse. Delving into the untidy mess in her bag, she managed to fish out the flashing phone.

Rosetta.

Rosaline felt the threatening tears forming again at the corner of her eyes as she read the name that had called her for about the tenth time that morning. Can’t she just leave me alone? Rosaline thought to herself as she rejected the call and also turned her phone off for good measure. Couldn’t Rosetta just get the message that she didn’t want to hear about the perfect little family she and Kenso had created; she didn’t want to be reminded constantly of what could have been between her and Jared. It could have been her pregnant. What do you mean by the pregnant comment? Is Rosetta pregnant?? I know you said in the previous rewrite that she was but I would be more clear here. Also, I thought you did really well with this paragraph, describing her feelings and what-not, but you could even expand more, if you wanted. Just a thought to think about

Rosaline shook her head agitatedly to try and remove the torrent of thoughts and what-if’s she so very carefully kept locked away and out of bounds. Time to lock them back up again.

Rosaline leant against the glass shop window, pushing her neatly straightened fringe from her sticky forehead. Why was it so difficult? Why wouldn’t Rosetta just leave her alone, instead of constantly reminding her of what could have been?

Rosaline straightened up and mentally reprimanded herself for letting herself get into such a state, and let the strong padlock of her forbidden thoughts lock You use "lock" a lot. Find differnt words to use. them back up again. She dropped the silent phone into her purse, and pulled it firmly onto place on her shoulder. Rosaline Use "she" instead here turned round and inspected her rather distressed self in the empty shop window. Her piercing blue eyes instantly locked on the blonde roots peeking through her regularly dyed black hair; she needed to book a hairdresser’s appointment. After doing a mental checklist of her appearance: high shoes I can hardly walk in? Yes. Horrible black hair tied back? Yes. Boring black pencil skirt and jacket combo? Yes. Entirely unrecognisable from my old, fun, colourful self? Yes, yes, yes. Rosaline carried on her walk to the office block, her pained expression turning into a blank mask, so that if anyone was to glance in her direction, they would think she was a cold, boring woman. Which was true. She was no longer the Rosaline Radley Jared and her sister once knew; she was now a heartbroken soul, lost in a big city.



As Rosaline stepped into the huge office block, she was instantly reassured; work always helped her forget her problems. She waved a polite hello to Heidi, the receptionist, and made her way up the winding staircase, her black patent heels click-clacking on the marble surface. How can she be so nice to Heidi but be rude to the taxi driver?

“Rosaline, your sister left you an urgent message and wants you to ring back as soon as possible!” Rosaline’s secretary blurted out the moment she appeared at the top of the staircase.

Rosaline sighed inwardly and made her way over to Sienna’s wooden desk, which was placed conveniently outside her office door.

This was now getting beyond annoying. Why was Rosetta being so persistent? All the previously forgotten anxiousness that had disappeared was now reappearing rapidly. She had to get away from Sienna’s curious expression, no need for comma here before she crashed and burned again: she couldn’t let what happened earlier happen again infront of Sienna.

“Okay, thanks.” comma instead of a period after "thanks" Rosaline said to Sienna, handing over her expensive, but boring office jacket, We already know her jacket is boring. No need to repeat it. before heading into her secluded office, without giving her a second glance.

Sienna stood up with Rosaline’s jacket on her arm and shook her head disbelievingly at her boss’s lack of response to her sister’s distress. Rosaline had always seemed detached whenever her sister or her home life in England was ever mentioned, which Sienna found bizarre and couldn't quite understand, she was always talking about her family. Awkward Sentence. Rewrite needed

Rosaline closed the office door behind her and made her way over to her desk, placing her purse in the corner of the room. She sank down into her high backed leather chair, burying her hot face in her hands.

Moving over here to New York was every day proving to be harder than she ever thought it would have been. Even ten years on, she couldn’t get rid of the constant longing she had to see both her sister and Jared’s faces and to be back in England, where she undoubtedly really belonged.

Rosaline sat up and took a deep breath, blinking back the tears that had glazed over her eyes yet again. "Pull yourself together", she whispered to herself firmly. Thinking this, Rosaline turned on her computer monitor, desperate to rid her mind of those unwelcome thoughts threatening to break free.

When the computer had booted up, Rosaline clicked on the internet icon: she had decided to look at some news on the internet, to occupy her buzzing brain. Tapping in the address bar bbc.com, Rosaline opened up the BBC’s news section and clicked on the first headline she saw, without even registering what it said. Slowly she read the article, the unprepared for shock appearing on her face as she read it. Awkward Sentence againd. Rewrite needed.


A PREGNANT WOMAN WIDOWED BY TRAGIC CAR CRASH

Rosetta Leah, 29, was informed in the early hours of yesterday morning that her husband had died at the scene of a car crash on the M20 involving three cars.

Kenso Leah, 30, a leading journalist, was pronounced dead at the scene by Emergency Services, leaving his six-month pregnant wife, Rosetta Leah, and twin brother, Jared Leah, in complete despair.

The occupants of one of the two other cars were a family of three: Jaydn and Austin Miller (28 and 31) and their nine year old daughter comma Ashlyn. The occupant of the third car, Roger Karr, 25, was reported to be the cause of the crash.

On Thursday 23rd October, at 11pm, following extended investigations, Roger Karr was arrested and charged on three counts of drunk driving, dangerous driving and the manslaughter of Kenso Leah. It has also been reported that the family of three involved in the car crash, who only suffered minor injuries, will be pressing charges on Roger Karr for ‘putting their nine year old daughter’s life in jeopardy’.


The court case for Roger Karr will be held on Wednesday 29th October, where the fate of Roger Karr will be decided whilst the grieving family of Kenso Leah will be hanging on the hope that justice will be served.

By Christian Lee. Reported on the 24th October

Wow, this article was much better. So much more passionate. Good work, Lucyy!

“Oh … my … god …” Rosaline gasped. As though in a trance, Rosaline picked up her office phone and dialled Rosetta’s cell phone number.

“Oh, Rosetta!”

The padlock was about to be unlocked for good.

This is now edited, different and hopefully better than the original post. Would love your thoughts on the new version!!
Lucyy xx

Thank you so much In_the_Moonlight for reading this & I'm soo glad you think my writing's improved thank you also for following this story & I totally agree with you, more description is definately needed

Thank you so much again everyone for taking your time to read and review this, I appreciate it soo much

Lucyy xx

Lucyy, I loved this chapter. What a great way to start off the story. Your writing has improved so much since I last read your prologue. Very well done. Right when I saw Rosetta and Kelso's name I knew something bad must've happened. Although I do think you should've decribed more what Rosaline was feeling when she first saw her sister's name in the paper. Awesomeness (is that a word?). Hurry up with more!

A-

-Moony

P.S. More description would've been nice.

Thank you KJ for reading and reviewing this. I'm glad you think my writing's improving (:
& I totally agree with you, I don't like this chapter at all, so I'm going to redo it. And as for the names, I just chose them to make them seem similar, but to show the contrast of their personalities, if you get what I mean? I've also grown too attatched to the names now to change them hehe oops d:
Thanks again for reading this, your review was very helpful
Lucyy xx

WARNING to Luccy: I am going to be extremely nitpicky, considering I'm in the mood. So WATCH OUT!

Chapter One

Another tragic car crash was splashed across the headlines of every English newspaper [Eh. DOn't lime 'every English newspaper. It tells us in the next line that your setting is in New York, so that detail is unnecessary.]. Carefully, the people of New York scanned the headlines, shaking their heads in astonishment [Every single person in New York is reading a paper? And they all have the same reaction? Huh. Seems kind of unrealistic...]: one man killed, leaving his six months pregnant wife behind. How tragic. [Okay, I don't think newspapers would write about this; there are bad car crashes pretty much every day, and they're so common that NONE of the newspapers write about it.]

Rosaline Radley was one of those people, her bright blue eyes gazing upon the horrific headlines, shaking her head in disbelief [You said the people were shaking their heads. We don't need to know this again. Give us another detail about this character you're introducing.]. Sometimes life could be really unfair, but didn’t she know that already?

Rosaline [I don't thing you need to use her name here, because you've just told us what it is. Use 'she' here.] picked up one of the English newspapers that were being sold outside her office block, [Comma unnecessary here.] before tucking it securely under her arm, [Again, no need for comma.] and pushing open the heavy glass doors.

Taking a quick sip of her latte [Comma here] she [Okay, now you should use her name again.] picked up on her walk in to work, she waved a polite hello to Heidi [Do it like this: Heidi--the receptionist--and made... Get it?] the receptionist and made her way up the winding staircase, her black patent heels click-clacking on the marble surface.

“Rosaline, your sister left you an urgent message and wants you to ring back as soon as possible!” Rosaline’s secretary blurted out the moment she appeared at the top of the staircase.

Rosaline sighed inwardly and made her way over to her secretary’s wooden desk, which was [Cut the 'which was'.] placed conveniently outside her office door.

This was now [Don't need the 'now'.] getting beyond annoying. Her sister was forever pestering and ringing her, but for some obscure reason today more than anything else. She had left several messages on both her home and cell phones, which Rosaline had deleted before listening to. [If her sister was calling her so often, you'd think the MC would listen to at least ONE message just in case it was an emergency. Pretty cold if she doesn't even bother to listen, if you ask me.]

“Okay, thanks,” Rosaline said to Sienna, handing over her smart work jacket, [Cut the comma.] before heading into her office, without giving her a second glance.

Sienna stood up, [Cut this comma.] with Rosaline’s jacket on her arm and shook her head disbelievingly at her boss’s lack of response to her sister’s distress. But she [Getting a little confusing. I know who 'she' is, but you need to specify here.] had always seemed detached whenever her sister or her home life in England was ever mentioned, which was slightly weird.

Rosaline closed the office door behind her and made her way over to her desk, placing her handbag in the corner of the room. She sunk [Should be sank.] down into her high backed leather chair, placing the newspaper on the mahogany desktop and buried her face in her hands. [Awkward sentence. Reword.]

Moving over here to New York was every day proving to be harder than she ever thought it would have been. Even ten years on, she couldn’t get rid of the constant longing she had to see both her sister and Jared’s faces and to be back in England, where she undoubtedly really belonged.

Rosaline sat up and took a deep breath, blinking back the tears that had glazed over her eyes. Pull yourself together, she whispered to herself firmly, it’s no good wishing of what could be. It’s the here and now that matters. Thinking this, Rosaline turned on her computer monitor and opened up the newspaper in front of her and started to read the short article about the car crash that had happened in England.

A woman, six months pregnant, widowed by tragic car crash

Rosetta Leah, 29, was informed in the early hours of yesterday morning that her husband had died on scene of a car crash on the M20 involving three cars.

Kenso Leah, 30, a leading journalist, was pronounced dead at the scene by Emergency Services, leaving his wife, Rosetta Leah, and twin brother, Jared Leah, in an agony of despair.

The occupants of one of the two other cars were a family of three: Jaydn and Austin Miller (28 and 31) and their nine year old daughter Ashlyn. The occupant of the third car, Roger Karr, 25, was reported to be the cause of the crash.

On Thursday 23rd October, at 11pm, following extended investigations, Roger Karr was arrested and charged on three counts of drunk driving, dangerous driving and the manslaughter of Kenso Leah. It has also been reported that the family of three involved in the car crash, who only suffered minor injuries, will be pressing charges on Roger Karr for ‘putting their nine year old daughter’s life in jeopardy’.

The court case for Roger Karr will be held on Wednesday 29th October, where the fate of Roger Karr will be decided whilst the grieving family of Kenso Leah will be hanging on the hope that justice will be served.

By Christian Lee. Reported on Friday 24th October

“Oh … my … god …” Rosaline gasped, as her shaky hands dropped the newspaper onto the desktop.

As though in a trance, Rosaline picked up her office phone and dialled Rosetta’s cell phone number.

“Oh, Rosetta!”

[Whoa. Names are just too similar, and make it too confusing. Please - even if it's a key to the story or something - change that. I just won't be able to keep up and will mix up the two characters f their names are so close.]

Heyy Merry (:
Thank you for reviewing this and as for what's going to happen next .. you'll have to read on to find out & I haven't yet decided whether Rosetta's baby is a boy or a girl ... (:
& no, I like your ramblings (: I like to know what people think after they read my stuff
Anywho, thank you for reading this & I'll see you around (:
Lucyy xx

Lucy-

Taking a quick sip of her latte she picked up on her walk in to work,

I will try and grab the reader at the start when I alter it .. I may just overdo this chapter as I'm not too pleased with it ... hmm ...
But anyway thank you for reading and reviewing this ashley. And nope, his name is Jared (: hehe
Thanks again
Lucyy xx

Hey, luc! Here by request and ready to review!

Carefully, the people of New York scanned the headlines, shaking their heads in astonishment: one man killed, leaving his six months pregnant wife behind.

Thank you new readers for reading this, I'm always happy to get advice from new people

chichi --
Thank you sooo much for your really helpful review (: it's so kind of you to take the effort to read this and do a detailed review, so thank you (: Also, thank you for helping out with the newspaper report (journalism writing is not my speciality ) and good point on the headline - I'll definitely be using that as a headline instead!! Thank you again for reading and reviewing this (:

noigexx --
Thank you for reading and reviewing this!! And I do totally get what you mean, although I have to say this isn't the best chapter I've ever written - the stuff that I needed to put in the chapter didn't want to cooperate with me d: hehe.

Thank you both again for reading this. Your critiques will come in very handy!!
Lucyy xx

It's like an english essay written in a rush. You need to try harder not to look like your trying to hard.... if you know what I mean.... still it's good for your age

I've never been to America, although the bombardment of American influence on TV, in books and just about everywhere tells me that your portrayal is quite accurate, although it may seem like it's based just a little in the past (about 3, 5 years?). But take my opinion with a grain of salt, because I've never been to America, as I said.

I'll start with the newspaper, because you say that's what you had the most trouble with. Usually the headlines are in capitals to grab more attention. Also, I would shorten the headline. Instead of "A woman, six months pregnant, widowed by tragic car crash" (which is too many words to catch the eye of the busy readers of modern newspapers) I would write "PREGNANT WOMAN WIDOWED IN TRAGIC CAR CRASH". The details like that she was six month pregnant will come in the story.

By Christian Lee. Reported on Friday 24th October

Kenso Leah, 30, a leading journalist, was pronounced dead at the scene by Emergency Services, leaving his wife, Rosetta Leah, and twin brother, Jared Leah, in an agony of despair.

But she had always seemed detached whenever her sister or her home life in England was ever mentioned, which was slightly weird.

“Oh, Rosetta!”

That sounds great daytripper - the article was the most thing that I struggled on so I would love for you to help me out on that And thanks for the tip on English news, I wasn't too sure if you could get English papers over there or not - so I just chanced it, hehe d:
& thank you for your crtiques - I shall get to changing them ASAP!!
Thank you again for reading this,
Lucyy xx

HI!

okay here we go.

leaving his six months pregnant wife behind. How tragic.

Rosaline Radley was one of those people, her bright blue eyes gazing upon the horrific headlines, shaking her head in disbelief. Sometimes life could be really unfair, but didn’t she know that already?

Heidi the receptionist and made her way up the winding staircase

smart work jacket

“Okay, thanks,”

But she had always seemed detached whenever her sister or her home life in England was ever mentioned, which was slightly weird.

placing her handbag in the corner of the room. She sunk down into her high backed leather chair, placing the newspaper on the mahogany

Pull yourself together, she whispered to herself firmly, it’s no good wishing of what could be.

Rosetta Leah, 29, was informed in the early hours of yesterday morning that her husband had died on scene of a car crash on the M20 involving three cars.

Kenso Leah, 30, a leading journalist, was pronounced dead at the scene by Emergency Services, leaving his wife, Rosetta Leah, and twin brother, Jared Leah, in an agony of despair.

The occupants of one of the two other cars were a family of three: Jaydn and Austin Miller (28 and 31) and their nine year old daughter Ashlyn. The occupant of the third car, Roger Karr, 25, was reported to be the cause of the crash.

On Thursday 23rd October, at 11pm, following extended investigations, Roger Karr was arrested and charged on three counts of drunk driving, dangerous driving and the manslaughter of Kenso Leah. It has also been reported that the family of three involved in the car crash, who only suffered minor injuries, will be pressing charges on Roger Karr for ‘putting their nine year old daughter’s life in jeopardy’.

The court case for Roger Karr will be held on Wednesday 29th October, where the fate of Roger Karr will be decided whilst the grieving family of Kenso Leah will be hanging on the hope that justice will be served.

By Christian Lee. Reported on Friday 24th October

on scene of a car crash on the M20 involving three cars.

23rd October

I would also love to know if my portrayal of America is correct or not. The only time that I've been to America was Disneyland at Florida when I was five, which I don't think quite counts, as I can hardly remember it anyway hehe. I have also not yet had the pleasure to visit New York (although it's one of my lifetime aspirations - to go there and shop ), so I would like to know whether or not my setting of New York is okay or not - although I didn't do much setting at the beginning, but I would love to know what I could improve on to properly describe the city etc.
Thank you all so much for your help and for reading this!!
Lucyy xx