bring me home

Although I cannot give you a true poetic review, since I am not up to par with the review below mine, I can give you my general thoughts about this piece.

I thought that it was absolutely beautiful. I do not often enjoy modern poetry because I believe they lack the beautiful words that once were used frequently in the poetic sense. However, your words were wonderful. I was enthralled by your imagery and your phrases. My lord, they were entirely too wonderful.

I thought the ending was a bit disconnected from the rest of the poem. It seemed out of place. The ending also seemed abrupt. Maybe that was simply because I wanted to read more of your writing. Which I do. Keep me posted. Happy Writing!

Hey there! I don't think I've happened upon anything by you before, so this is a nice treat.

I love the opening line absolutely. Nothing will ever make me dislike it, but for me the rest didn't live up to the simple truth of that first line. Now, you have the makings of a poem that can, but I'd consider some of these changes:

First, avoid repeating the structure of the first line just for the sake of continuity. You can keep continuity through the tone of the poem, the diction you choose, and the subject you continue on. Repeating "I thought..." moves away from the first thought too quickly, which is what most of the rest of the poem wants to be about. There's no reason to suddenly think life is a merciful thing, when that emotion is tucked up in "delicate", I think.

Next, the trees and buds need to be brought closer to the meadow. This greenness, the animals, the the shepherd, is the main strength in your poem: the main point, the main metaphor, so you need to keep that strong as a team. That said, the turning point in your philosophy is in that couplet:

I thought that a shepard would guide me
But I learned he could not leave his sheep.

Hey, it's Pix and I'm here to review~

I absolutely love this poem. And you're thirteen...to think I could never write this good. I love it. I love the title to.

And I'm not just kissing up to you.

So, anyways, back down to the reviews.

In the title, maybe capitalize it? It would look way more..sophisticated.

I didn't see any grammar mistakes.

I loved this. <3

Hello luckystar3000,

Clearly you've experienced problems when trying to format this. It goes almost without saying that poetry always has some sort of layout to it and it's extremely rare that the writer would every present the poem in just a plain bulky paragraph like this. So I'm going to make a far assumption that the awkward layout was purely a technological failure and not intentional. I cannot be entirely certain how you intended to space this out but I'm assuming it wasn't in stanzas, because all of this kind of flows together and stanzas would interrupt that. Another obvious problem for the reader is the lack of punctuation in this. Without punctuation to break up the lines it turns into a guessing game for the reader as they try to figure out what you mean. This often leaves the reader bored and sucks and emotion out of the poem. It also makes it more tempting for people to skip over lines and again, makes it less powerful or emotive.

Next you also have spelling errors, some of them could be typos but regardless it's still looks just as messy. It's essential to check your work before you publish it to avoid confusion. Spelling errors also make things appear less professional on your part. So next time keep an extra focus on correct grammar. I've just included a few spelling corrections below:

"mericfull" -> "merciful"

"asheapard" -> "a shepherd"

"learner" -> "learned"

Also I've corrected the layout and fixed punctuation and grammar for the whole poem below, just to give you an idea of what it should look like. Assuming this layout was unintentional.

"I thought the world was a delicate thing,
With it's swaying trees and flower buds.
I thought that life was a merciful thing,
With miracles and dreams coming true.

I thought I was lost in innocence,
Never leaving the meadows in which I grew.
I thought that a shepherd would guide me,
But I learned he could not leave his sheep.

The ancient ivy covered walls
Are where my heart shall lead me.
And when I'm there I'll ponder in despair-
Oh what could be behind them?"

Despite those few errors though I really think you have a good poem here. Once the layout, punctuation and grammar mistakes are fixed it really does have an impact on the reader and is powerful and emotive. I particularly liked the themes and messages behind your writing. You clearly based it on something meaningful to you and it does show. In terms of the repetition I can't say it worked entirely for me. It definitely added a rhythm to your poem but it was also kind of dull and restraining. It was certainly a positive attempt though and that was just how I felt, I can't speak for anyone else reading your poem. I mostly liked the middle part but you also had a powerful beginning. Work on strengthening your beginning, the phrases you used were cliche and it made it feel weak and, to be honest, a little cheesed.

Overall, you have a good foundation for a poem and clearly have poetic abilities. Work on trying to improve these abilities and I'm sure your talent and potential will show, the more you write. Keep up the writing, I can't wait to read more from you.

From Enchanted Panda <3

I really liked this ... but it should be in lines. It kind of looks like you meant to do that because of where the capitals are ... so maybe if you formatted it like this:

I thought the world was a delicate thing
With its swaying trees and flower buds.
I thought that life was a merciful thing with miracles and dreams coming true.
I thought I was lost in innocence
Never leaving the meadows in which I grew
I thought that a shepherd would guide me
But I learned he could not leave his sheep.
The ancient ivy covered walls are where my heart shall lead me And when I'm there I'll ponder in despair -
oh, what could be behind them?

I fixed a couple of spelling mistakes in there (m-e-r-c-i-f-u-l and s-h-e-p-h-e-r-d) and added some appropriate punctuation on the last two lines. Other than that, your poem is really good. Keep writing!