Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,812 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hi lucky star! First off, this doesn't seem like a song at the moment, as it lacks a chorus and verses. I like the contrasting ideas of warmth and winter, but I feel like you could do more with it. Show us someone feeling warm and loved despite the chill outside and it would add depth. Also, I don't know if the dragging out of January was intentional, but if it was, I'd rethink it, as it looks like a cheerleader cheer and I don't think that's what you're going on here.
I really liked this part:
It gives us an image and some alliteration, both of which work well.
Overall, this is nice, but I think you could add concrete images to make it stronger. Keep writing!
Hey!
I love this poem about January but was the "J a n u a r y" supposed to be like that or did you do it by accident, I am confused. I always wanted to see something like this and now I have. I hope you write more lyrics.
Hello, lucky dear.
Here to review!
So, this is a nice little song. Though, I'm not sure if it's really as song as much as it is a poem. You see, most songs, have verses and chorus'. Of course, it's purely a stylistic choice, so I can understand that if you choose to leave it like this. But it's just food for thought. Three things really stood out to me when I read it. One, that the 'January' formats are all messed up. I don't know if you meant it that way, or if it was an accident, but it feels weird to me. Secondly, the two words 'serene' and 'serendipity' side by side. Even though these words mean different things, they look similar, and putting them together looks messy and repetitive. Lastly, I see that you have no punctuation. Once again, I can't tell if this is a style choice or if you don't know how to use it. I personally like punctuation everywhere in writing, but you make have decided to go down a different route with this song, I don't know. But think about how that reflects next time you decide not too. No punctuation and still using capitalization looks just as weird as no capitalization and punctuation. You have to have a balance for it too look clean and classy.
But, I gotta go finish school, so I hope this review helped, PM me if you have any questions.
xx
Sparkles
Hey there, Lucky! Isha here to review for you. c:
First of all, this is a nice little ditty you've got going. It was a little hard to see it as a full song, because it lacked verses, and a chorus, and all of that technical nonsense (that isn't really nonsense, mind you), but if it isn't meant to be that kind of a song, then it's not meant to be that kind of a song. However, if it is meant to be that kind of a song, it feel more like a single verse, or maybe the chorus. Normally, you'd see the first verse marked as the first verse, and then the chorus is (usually, but not always) pretty close after. You have your second verse, and then (typically), it's indicated to repeat the chorus, and then onto the third verse. But, as I said, nobody can define that for certain, and what the layout of a song should look like isn't something that's set in stone.
Now, onto the song itself.
I'm assuming that you mean to drag out the word? Hold a note, or whatever, and not actually spell the word out letter-by-letter? I don't know for sure, because it was hard to tell.
Other than that, the song in general was... alright. It wasn't anything spectacular, but it wasn't necessarily indecent, either. It was an ode to January, and I think you covered all of the necessary ground, with that. Really, there's not a whole lot else that I can ask for. It just seemed a little lacking in creativity. It basically stated a few things that January is, sentimentally, to one individual. It explained what the month should do for people in a way that was almost a little bit dull.
There isn't really much I can say to expand on that, other than that I'd love to see you expand on the idea a little bit more. I would personally like to see more 'why.' Don't tell, necessarily, but show it to us. Use words that, instead of flat-out telling us the 'why,' wield emotion and description to their advantage. But, that is a personal opinion, and it's your song, and I don't know what your own, personal expectations or intentions for it were.
If it was meant to be a very simple little diddy, then good job. It'd be nice to sing as a short winter lullaby, that much I'll give you.
Feel free to PM me with any questions!
Good job and keep writing,
-Isha.
Okay! Honestly I thought this was more of a poem then lyrics.
"Warm winter nights
In J a n u a r y"
(Okay so J a n u a r y, were we meant to read it as the word January or as every letter? I also think you should add punctuation to this)
"When you feel safest
loved
and content"
( Loved looked odd and out of place on its own little line like that.)
"and your heart is warmed
from serene serendipity"
( This had to be my favorite line!)
And that's where I am going to end! I liked this alot!
~Mari~