Engulfed By My Flames

This piece evokes a lot of imagery, that of a person being burned alive, and a sort of satisfaction of the narrator for the others pain. It started out with a nice flow of rhyming lines, but it felt a little forced, like you were only writing each line according to what would rhyme with the last word. I like the overall idea of the poem, but I feel it could have more powerful effect with less rhyming and a more sensory feel of emotions. Well, that's my thoughts! You know what's best for your writing and I wish you the best of luck!

-Butterfinger!

no offense but how do you sleep at night? this poem seemed to rip the soul out of my cat and yeah...

Hey Life, here as requested. ^^ This all ready seems to have quite a few reviews, so this one may be short and somewhat useless. I apologize in advance for any lack of quality or repetition.

The first thing that I want to say is that in the beginning, I found this really interesting. The descriptions were good, but the further on it went, the more the rhyme scheme started to annoy me. I loved the imagery, though-- more in the beginning than at the end.

The rhyme scheme started to irritate me quite quickly, and it wasn't long before I lost interest in what you were saying. I had gotten the feel of things all ready, and I didn't feel like swimming through all of rhymes just to get to the good parts. Of course, those seemed to be rarer as the poem progressed, too. The end was starting to seem a bit on the repetitive side, and it started to feel like you were rushing through it.

There were also a lot of places where it felt like you were having trouble finding rhymes, which often leads to resorting to clichès and using words that don't make sense. This was getting more and more evident as I neared the end of the poem.

You did a really good job with the beginning. If you want my suggestion, you could probably lose the rhyme scheme all together. It's a fairly powerful piece without it.

lovethelifeulive wrote:I laughed as you had got caught in my flames. Instead of "had got," try "were."
I laughed because I was tired of your games. Nice.
You cried out to me in agony, Semicolon, maybe?
too bad, I had already lost my sanity.
You continued to yelp "Yelp" sounds extremely forced and odd here.
but I couldn't help.
You see, you were already too late.
There was no time for a clean slate. I like this line.

My flames flared. "Flames flared" is quite the tongue-twister.
But I couldn't have cared,
because you were never there.
How could you dare,
to stare
with your face so scared. I don't know about this line....
For this, you were unprepared
as you slowly became impaired. Not sure about this use of "impaired."

I didn't cry as I watched you burning in my flames. "Didn't cry" is pretty weak.
I pretended not to hear as you called me names.
Anger filled my mind. There are so many alternatives for "filled:" "clouded," "fogged," "eclipsed," "blanketeted..." the list goes on.
As the fire shined "Shined" isn't a word (it's "shone"), but it's not the most original of words anyway.
in my glossy eyes
as I thought about all of your disgusting lies. Instead of "thought about," consider "pondered."

In you I had implies. Um, "imply" is a verb....
My eyes held the despies. Do you mean "despise?"
This is what I would devise. Great line.
This is how I would revise.
It's not a surprise.
You could no longer give me goodbyes.
And meaningless replies.

I could finally smile as you were engulfed in my fire. I love this line.
The fire of in my eyes. Get rid of "of."
The fire in my heart.
My fire pulled you apart.
Eating, chewing, swallowing you whole.
The heat would overtake your soul.
Excellent stanza.
Don't worry.
There will be no pain. Eerie.
Because now all of the ugly scars are gone. I don't think you need "of."
For you had played me like a pawn.
These comforting words were not for you.
For this I could not undo.
How could I have ever loved you?
Again, fabulous stanza.
What you did was unwise.
So to you I advise
that before you burn in flames
you should take back the peircing aims I would put a line break right here. and lifeless blames.

Hey! I'm going to start by saying I really like this line: "in my glossy eyes", because it makes the narrator sound like he is a bit staring, sort of vacant, and a bit mad. I think the poem leaves the reader wondering if he is really crazy or if the person deserved it. I don't think you need the word "had" in the first line. But I think the main thing is that some of your lines are longer than other and it breaks up your flow a bit, so count the syllables in each line and make each line roughly the same. I like your idea, though. Keep writing!

This is a very good poem. I like how you had a rhyme scheme when most other poems that I review don't. You had amazingly perfect sensory imagery. You explained what was going on in the poem, and I really got the meaning. The words flowed like a river (Sorry, I just had to use a simile.) This was overall an amazing piece.

Great job, Tyler.

Hey there!

So, this poem was definitely fun to read. If there weren't so many rhymes and repetition of concepts, I would be very, very pleased with this poem. I think that where you went wrong with this is that you overthought it. I really don't like rhyming poetry, so I'll try not to be biased, but you went a bit too far with the rhymes. As I was reading it, it seemed like you were changing your thoughts and your lines just so the rhyme would fit. That's fine, but some of the lines turned out awkward.

Also, some of your lines are completely repetitive. Here's an example:

You cried out to me in agony,
too bad, I had already lost my sanity.
You continued to yelp
but I couldn't help.
You see, you were already too late.
There was no time for a clean slate.

Okay. This poem sounds like it is a mixture of fights with friends and boyfriends... so here goes my re-write...

"You called me names, teased me about guys

blackmailed, so I had no choice

I threatened you, but you didn't listen,

were to caught up with your own precision

you told his best friend, or so i thought,

so you ended up in my wrath.

The flames that surrounded you, were soo soo strong,

or so I thought.

I didn't speak to you, and he wouldn't speak to me.

Because of what I thought you did.

But then the unthinkable happened.

You broke through the flames,

I got lost in silly little games.

You tried to tell the truth, but I wouldn't listen.

Eventually, he stopped talking to me at all, but you were there.

You told me the truth, and I relied on you.

I never really believed you at all, but I pretended to,

all because you were everything.

You were a shoulder to cry on,

a person to rely on.

and now i rely heavily, and hope that he will forgive me."

So what do you think? I should be a poet right? Yeah, thats what I thought. Write more poems... cuz I enjoy doing this! Its fun!
CassidyRose

Greetings I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer for today. I shall begin by saying I liked idea here, using fire as the major theme in a break up, not quite original, but tis isn't cliché at least. I shall begin now and warn this may sound harsh but it's only help and improve you I swear, not a personal attack on you.

I shall begin by saying the title is weak and gives away idea too quickly of what your theme is. It would make sense if you're trying to evoke the image so poignantly. You should only hint not give away idea in the title. Some people often argue that the title is actually the most important part of the poem, you have to choose something that both hints but doesn't spoil -- you want people to have a reason to read it after all.

Now on to what destroys this poem the rhyme scheme is torturous. it's simplistic, entrapping and leaves your overall message less serious. It comes across as a kiddy song. Rather than say a heart felt break up poem drawing all your emotions -- sad thing is the word choice can't save a poem from this either. You want us to feel the searing pain not wonder did we crash land in a playgroup in hell with kids singing a song about fire.

If I had to choose one line I can stand it would be:

In you I had implies.
My eyes held the despies.

One of the many joys of poetry is subtly, mostly with the rhymes. The rhymes here are so sing-songey that it almost hurts. try lengthening out the phrases so that way you don't take a breath at the end of every line. That'll help a lot. Also, try using slant rhymes instead of straight ones, it'll go with a focus more on the purpose of the poem rather than the focus being on the rhyme.

Sorry it's short, but I think if you did this you'd have a really great second draft for the poem to jump off for. It's got potiential, and a lot of it.

~Alice~

This has a nice flow to it. I like it, up to a certain point. I don't understand the last two stanzas very well, or, really, just the first first line of the next to last stanza. "In you I had implies" kinda threw me for a loop. Lol. Other than that one line, I liked it...you did a good job of expressing yourself. There were a few grammatical errors, but nothing that can't be fixed. Thanks for posting. -Clay