I’m in a grainy black and white screen.
Inhaling the dusty smoke of a cigerette in heels and dark lingerie.
It feels like standing in the middle of a field at midnight.
Watching a strange figure come toward you in the shadows, but not being afraid.
It’s putting on red lipstick, knowing your about to be kissed.
It’s when not even a mask can help because you have too much to hide.
It’s having a dirty little secret that’s killing you inside.
It’s eating, chewing, swallowing you whole.
But it secretly calls for you to ignite it, to lean over and part your lips.
Let the words tumble out.
It’s having his hands tug at your hips.
His lips drag across your skin.
When his eyes look at you so intensely, you think you might burst into flames.
It’s every song you’ve ever heard and forgotten.
It’s having his body over yours, skin on skin, and then opening your eyes.
And realizing it was just a dream.
It’s wanting to be good, but being so bad.
It’s loving so hard, but knowing you shouldn’t.
When you wonder who you can trust, who tells the truth, who knows what’s right.
It’s like staring at the painting and can’t understand the meaning to save your life.
It’s the feeling of highs, of lows.
Wondering who you are, what’s up and what’s down.
Being a writer and suddenly can’t find the words.
It’s the fantasy you have, that you wish you didn’t.
Not trusting a word anyone says.
Feeling hopeless all the time.
It’s hearing your phone ring when it never did.
Hoping he feels just a fraction of what you feel.
It’s the misunderstanding.
I want to have him so bad but I know I can’t.
But I can. But I can’t.
It’s the blinking light in the distance that frightens you, but it calls you still.
It’s the danger of leaning against the edge of the building.
You’re only scared because you might let yourself fall. You wouldn’t be scared if you knew you wouldn’t let yourself.
It’s the feeling of falling, falling, falling. Down. Down. Down. Forever.
It’s standing on the railroad tracks, the sound of the train in the distance.
No.
It’s a smile on a sunny day.
To stop letting the past dictate you future.
Take off your heels and put on converse.
Stop thinking that you heard the unspoken words.
Let go.
Trust your heart to give you what you need.
Stop thinking about the bad stuff.
Live life for all it’s worth, take what you’ve been given and leave your mark upon this Earth.
Be who you are, because you’re beautiful in every single way.
Let it be. If it was meant to be, it’ll happen.
Play the guitar next to the open window.
Forget broken promises and half-finished loves.
Find yourself.
You’ll find the one you don’t have to fantasies about.
Because he’ll be real.
The screen isn’t grainy and dark.
It’s clear and in Technicolor glory.
So let go.
GRT POEM...............in starting ur character's dream of being in lingerie is litle awky....but u mentioned the truth. but i suggest u not to use such type of words. but it's totally depends on u.
overall nice poem.......ur starting is so nice and bottom of ur poem was mindblowing. specially the part when u say..............."let go"......grt piece of art!
keep it up!
Hi lovethelifeulive! Niteowl here to get this piece another review for Team Dreamwave!
Now, overall I like this. It has some strong images and a good message. I like how after drowning us in all this sadness, it takes us back to a happier concept.
However, I'm not crazy about the "It's blah blah blah" pattern in the first part. It just seems like you're trying to keep us distant from the emotion, but then the use of second person implies you want us to feel this emotion. Did you notice the first line said "I'm" and the rest didn't? That seemed odd to me.
Put on red lipstick, knowing you're about to be kissed.
Not even a mask can help because you have too much to hide.
You have a dirty little secret that’s killing you inside.
Eating, chewing, swallowing you whole.
This is what I did with the second stanza. I think this makes a stronger impact because it's direct actions and emotions.
I pointed these two lines out because of the adverbs. Adverbs tend to come off weakly in poems, especially because a verb can often say the same thing better. Instead of "secretly calls", why not "whispers"? Or "his eyes threaten to set you aflame"?
I'd also rework the second part a bit more. There's not many images, just platitudes.
This message has been stated this way many many times. I think this could be stronger if you did more tie-backs to the darker part, like you did with "Take off your heels and put on Converse". Maybe something like "step off the tracks and get on the train"?
Overall, there's some good stuff here, and with some cleaning up, it will be great! Keep writing!
Hi lovethelifeulive,
I guess your username suits this piece incredibly well! I really liked this poem, especially it's meaning. It meant something to me personally, and the message you were trying to convey was just brilliant. You brought it along wonderfully.
But the layout of this poem is a bit uninviting. I think you should break it down, and chop it into stanzas. This'll make it look neater, and easier to read, no matter how long it is
I also think that the sentences were sometimes a bit too long. Lastly, I would just like to point out that the beginning gets a bit samey. First of all, I love the idea of it's like... and all the examples you gave. Like putting on red lipstick before your first kiss. Brilliant examples. But after a couple of sentences, things got a bit too similar and I started to feel bored, until you switched up the idea and said 'let go'.
In my opinion, to make this poem wonderful, just put it into stanzas. And then cut down a bit in the beginning, or add a new pattern that makes it more intriguing. It'll keep the reader interested. But you have a great message going on here, and I think it should be one heard by more people! Keep it up!
Deanie x
I really liked this piece. It has an interesting format. It feels like a really long riddle, and I guess I never really found the answer to it... but the real point of this to me is to ignite a feeling within the reader... I felt what you wanted me to so that's great.
!
Okay, so my critics are more like suggestions and general guidelines that you can choose to follow but I'm not trying to tear you apart or be mean. (just saying)
The sentences were kind of choppy. Maybe this is how you wanted it to sound, and if you did that's fine by me. However, it would help if there was some fluidity to it. Some joining sentences... whatever would help how it reads.
I would also like some more description. Like instead of saying smoking a cigarette in heels and my lingerie, you could say inhaling the dusty smoke from my cigarette, feeling the pain serge from my high-heeled feet, while the silky lingerie gave my skin goosebumps. I don't think what I wrote is necessarily the best example of what to write, but something like that.
Anyways, good job with this, I'll be reading more