Young Writers Society

Hello there life! Dogs here with your review. Ok I like this piece, you have a good theme going on here with only a few bumps in the road. For the most part, your wording doesn't really need much changing because it's pretty good. Although, you do use some over used words that you could spice up a little by looking them up in a thesaurus. It helps immensely trust me. Anywho, let's dive in now shall we?

Okey dokey, first issue I have is with the lack of grammar that you write with. Of course, grammar is entirely up to the poet, but I argue that it should be used in your writing. Especially because without the periods and commas, reading your piece becomes difficult because the reader is unsure where each sentence and flow of the line ends. Also, on a minor note, you need to capitalize all you "i" and "i'll." Unless you using lower cased "i" adds to your piece, which I don't think it does.

Also, I think your imagery is stellar, I love the path you're taking with that. Although, I think you need to stay true to that general path. You originally have the starting theme of the winter and frost. Stick to that theme of cold and everything, that needs to be a defining point for the entire piece. You drift away a little bit with the line:

"like tears that trickle from my eyes"

You need to keep to that original theme and push it more. How does the cold feel to you, does it inprint spiderwebs of frost into your skin? Do snowflakes dance across your eyelashes and trip down your body? Give us a little bit more imagery in that regard.

What you have now is great, but with some more work you could make it excellent. I enjoyed reading your piece. I hope my comments were helpful! Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh

Hey! So I have mixed emotions about this poem, and I'll do my best to explain why.

On one hand, you show the potential for a good concept - the wintry vibe somehow really works for me. While I'm not a particular fan of simple love poems, this wasn't by any means unbearable, whereas I'm typically pulling my hair out at the constellation of cliches.

That being said, this definitely needs work if it is to develop enough to stand on its own two feet. Writing a good poem can take time when the concept isn't fully-formed in your mind yet, and I feel as though that's the issue I'm seeing here; you've got a general idea but don't know quite what it is you're saying yet, and you're lacking a voice as a result.

Here are some suggestions for revisions, but feel free to make your own decisions, of course:

frost. [[Get rid of this line. It lacks impact and has no emotional connotation.]]

the day where i no longer see your face [[The day WHERE? I think not. Besides this, I've always found it a little strange that we use the term "See your face," as though not seeing all of this person...it's actually a bit of an unmentioned cliche, and not even a good one. Just say "the day where I know longer see you."]]

is like the night where snow dwindles from the sky [["Dwindles from the sky" is another line that just doesn't quite make sense. I think that you mean the snow is kind of looming over,failing to fall, but you've stated this in a rather clumsy and awkward way.]]

white and unforgiving[[,]] it falls

like tears that trickle from my eyes [[I have an issue with this line due to its severe crossing of the cliche line. You've probably noticed that I label things as cliche a lot, and with romance, this is often the most difficult thing to avoid; it is, however, also the most important - after all, you don't want your words to lose poignancy.]]

i’ll keep your memory[[,]]

my eyes of brown look into your blue [[I've never understood why eye color was such a popular poetic topic. It's almost as though everyone's trying to tag their current lover by mentioning this very general quality that they happen to possess. Anyway, my advice? Omit this line completely. It's a metaphorical dead limb.]]

ice can never steal a frozen kiss on your skin

and fire will never tempt you[[.]]

i’ll always hold you close[[,]] [[Another unoriginal line that I'm not too fond of.]]

so no matter where i go

i’ll never forget to come back for you [[Can you forget to come back for the person you love? Seems odd.]]

like december is always waiting for the snow[[.]] [["Just as December is always waiting for the snow" would probably be more appropriate. Anyway, all in all, this poem is just lacking in concept and originality. Make sure to make this your own, and it will have much more of an impact.]]

If you have any questions, feel free to message me!

Keep writing, and best wishes. xxx